


kanya

by thefullergirl



Series: tayo [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, Coming of Age, Fluff, Graduation, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, isko au, just a bit, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 10:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 48,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25967761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefullergirl/pseuds/thefullergirl
Summary: “You know, if I didn’t know you, I’d think I was just your type.”Well. Jisung is not sure if Chenle could physically hear his heart stop, but he thinks the whole world just might. It screeches to a halt, just seconds away from disaster. Jisung presses his mouth closed, trying to make sure he doesn’t say something stupid.“That’d be weird, wouldn’t it?” Chenle asks, shaking his head at him. “If you liked me.”Park Jisung does have a type. And it’s fun, patient, ever-understanding, laid-back, comforting, pretty, glowing, absolutely heart-breaking Zhong Chenle.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Series: tayo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826008
Comments: 37
Kudos: 129





	kanya

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonpower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonpower/gifts).



> aaaaa this is the last installment to the tayo series! my isko au series has come to an end ;;
> 
> dw, you don't need to read the other two works in the series before reading this one! this fic can stand alone. if you do want to read them though, the series is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826008)
> 
> this one does not just have a few filipino words, it has whole filipino phrases/sentences. i will have the closest translations i could find at the end notes soon, but it's still not easy to get the same feeling. there are also cultural references, and if you're confused, i've linked my cc in the end notes as well!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this fic as much as i've enjoyed writing it ♡
> 
> dedicated to hannah, who saw (and screamed about) all of this before anyone else did~
> 
> [tayo series carrd](https://tayoseries.carrd.co/)

**[ KANIYA ]** **  
** **pronoun (gender-neutral, singular)** **  
** **\- of theirs, belonging to them**

It’s not very often that Chenle accompanies him to the jeepney terminal.

Jisung’s class ended early, so they both had a chance to go have some milktea over at the nearby mall. Sitting at their little table, both of them had stayed mostly silent, tired after their long day. It was understandable.

Then, Chenle doesn’t go his usual way afterwards. He silently stays at Jisung’s side, walking with him to the footbridge so that they could get to the jeeps. Jisung thought not to question it. He likes that he was being accompanied anyways.

Wordlessly, they get on the jeep that would take them to where Jisung could ride another one to get home. It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, but Chenle makes sure that Jisung is at least fully seated.

Across from him, Chenle looks exhausted. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he leans his blonde head on his backpack as the vehicle moves. Even with the loud music, Jisung thinks Chenle could fall asleep like that.

When a handful of people get off, Chenle claims the space beside Jisung. They’re kind of squished together, but it’s okay. Jisung doesn’t mind at all.

“You didn’t have to come with me,” he says, over the noise of everything.

Chenle purses his lips, rifling through his bag for his coin purse to check if he has enough for the trip to his condo building. “Why, am I not allowed to?”

If Jisung could, he would nudge him with his elbow. “It’s just weird.”

In the dark, orange and blue light on his features from the buildings, Chenle chuckles. “Can’t I just come along to make sure you get home safe?”

Scrunching his face even though he’s not sure his best friend can see, Jisung asks, “Did you eat something off?”

Chenle does his best to shove him playfully. “Dammit, Jisung, I’m just coming with you. Nothing wrong with that.”

For a while, Jisung just studies him. The laugh still reaches his eyes, he sees. Even if he’s bone tired, he can at least still see that.

“Oh, I know,” he pipes up. “You have a crush on me, that’s why you’re coming with me.”

The face Chenle gives him is enough to make him burst into a fit of giggles. Jisung is vaguely aware of the lady across him staring at them.

“Okay, I won’t come with you again.”

The trip to the jeepney terminal isn’t a long one. Jisung now has that god-awful remix of Baby Shark embedded in his mind for the rest of the week. They get off once most everyone has shuffled out into the night. It’s cold tonight, and Jisung gives Chenle his hoodie by habit. 

Walking on yet another footbridge, Jisung finds his wrist held by a sweater paw, as if Chenle just wants to make sure he doesn’t wander off or anything. As if Jisung hasn’t walked this same path every single day to get home ever since he started uni.

On the other side, as they wait for a ride that Jisung can get on to get home, Chenle bumps shoulders with him. Jisung turns, trying to discern his face in the weak light of the streetlamps.

“I won’t do this again,” he says softly.

Jisung doesn’t expect him to. He tells him this. Chenle does that smile of his that makes his lips form a straight line as he nods.

In the next minute, Jisung finds a ride. He says goodbye to his best friend, goes in for a hug. Chenle is a little startled at this since they haven’t hugged in a while, and if he were to be honest, Jisung is surprised too.

Through the window of the UV Express, Jisung watches as Chenle waves a little goodbye, Jisung’s hoodie still on him.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** hey  
you got home safe right  
just checking  
let’s get ramen tmrw, been a long week **  
  
**

◑

Scowling at him, Jeno throws the box of Salonpas onto the table. “I can’t believe you had me come here just to buy you this.”

Jisung grins up at him, breaking the seal of the box so he can get to the pain relief patches. “Thank you, hyung!”

Jeno rolls his eyes, steps away for a moment to buy himself taho. Somehow, Jisung opens the pack without difficulty this time, and he gets two of the patches for his shoulders. It will have to do for the day.

When Jeno sits back down on the stone bench, he tilts his head at Jisung reaching into his shirt to put the patches on. “You alright?”

Nodding, Jisung smoothes out the first patch. “Mmhmm. Just did more reps yesterday, and now I’m suffering.”

The older boy huffs out a laugh. “Be careful. Also, I don’t want to be called all the way here to bring you Salonpas again.”

With a foot, Jisung nudges him. “How about food?”

Jeno gives him a look.

It’s been a couple of months since Jeno started working at the office of the university registrar. He was mostly in charge of encoding student data and guiding the students through the basic stuff. Sometimes Jisung and Chenle go to the office just to see Jeno, who promptly shoos them away (while smiling. Jisung always notices that he smiles when he shoos them away).

Things may have changed, but it just doesn’t feel like that sometimes.

After a few spoonfuls of taho, Jeno asks, “How’ve you been, Jisung-ah?”

And honestly, how does one answer that? He’s been alright, about as alright as a junior can be. So yeah, not much. Truthfully, he’s got papers due and he knows his semester is going to run him ragged, but in general, life’s not _terrible._

Then, well, he’s a little upset over the last few chapters of the webtoon he’s been following. He respects the author’s decision to take it that route, even though he nearly ripped his hair out at the updates. Again, he doesn’t have a say in it, but he’s still going to mope about it.

Then, uh, his random moods when he just lies in bed and loops Taylor Swift for no reason. Hey, it happens to everyone, he reasons. He’s lost some sleep, though, because he’s stared at his ceiling for too long while _Belong with Me_ played. That’s fine.

Also, he kind of dropped his phone while he was trying to do a dance cover. There’s now a long hairline crack down the screen, and he’s not going to admit it to his parents yet. They’ve just gotten him the new tempered glass screen.

“I’m okay,” he answers. And really, he is. He smooths down the second patch.

An eyebrow raises. “You can tell me you’re not okay, you know.”

Jisung makes a face. “I mean… I’m as okay as I can be.”

The older boy narrows his eyes at him. Then, he sighs. “I guess we’re all as okay as we can be.” He stirs at the remaining half of his taho. “It could always be better.”

Jisung agrees with that.

“And you, hyung?” This whole small talk thing wasn’t really enjoyable for either of them, he knew, but sometimes life just becomes a series of small talks with the people you used to be the closest with. Jisung doesn’t think of it as too sad. It happens, and it’s okay. Sometimes the small talk is a way back to how it used to be.

Well, sometimes.

Jeno shrugs, drains his cup. “Doing okay. Nothing much happens to me these days.”

“Is being an adult really that boring?”

Huffing out a laugh, the older boy says, “You say that like you’re not an adult yourself. You’re _twenty_.”

Scrunching his face, Jisung replies, “I meant post-graduation adulthood.”

Jeno laughs at this, really laughs. Then, he shakes his head, the remnants of his laughter still in his breath. “I’m just going to say that no part of it is fun at all. Five out of ten, I do not recommend.”

They lapse into silence after that, Jisung taking out his Lock n Lock full of grapes to munch on while Jeno idly scrolls on his phone. It was alright, whatever this was, because as awkward as it may seem, it was still nice to see a familiar face again.

He wasn’t going to admit it, but he does miss his hyungs. Although Mark and Jeno are the only ones that’s graduated so far, he just hasn’t seen much of the others either. Everyone was busy, he understood that. Still, he can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness when he looks at their group chat, the promise of meeting up soon repeated but never going through. 

Probably not too long from now, he’ll be the only one still left in uni, which he didn’t think he’d mind. However, with the reality of what could happen after their graduation, how he feels about it has made a turn.

Not that he can do anything about it. Park Jisung will be the only one in their friend group left in college, and he’ll watch them have lives he just might not fit into anymore.

Breaking the silence, Jeno asks, “How’s Chenle? I’ve seen him even less than I’ve seen you.”

Jisung rolls a tiny grape between his thumb and index finger, trying not to answer right away. Well, Chenle’s fine. Or at least, he thinks he’s fine. Jisung has long since allowed himself to admit that he just does not know everything that happens with his best friend.

“He’s okay,” he answers. The memory of Chenle accompanying him on the way home even though it was completely unnecessary comes to the forefront of his mind. “He went with me to the Katip station.”

That makes Jeno furrow his brows. He must find it odd too, so Jisung feels a little bit validated.

“Why?” His hyung’s voice sounds incredulous. It really isn’t something he expected to hear, then.

Shrugging, Jisung pops the grape into his mouth. “Said he wanted to make sure I got home safe.”

Jeno considers this for a moment, studying his face. Then, his eyes widen a fraction, and he nods. “Okay, okay. Well, that was...cute of him to do.”

Pursing his lips, Jisung pushes around the little purple orbs in his container. “He said he wouldn’t do it again.”

His hyung chuckles at that. “Ah, that sounds like him.”

With a hum, Jisung just agrees, finishing the rest of his fruit.

◑

In his three years in uni, Jisung hadn’t visited the Vargas Museum. Barely anyone believed that he hadn’t gone there, not even once. But well, he’s here now.

He snaps a few photos of the new exhibit by the entrance. Beside him, his partner is reading the description of the exhibit.

Well, museum dates seemed a lot more interesting when his Renjun hyung told him about it. He had proposed it to his partner, and she had just agreed to it.

Truthfully, Jisung has no idea what to do on dates. He’s simply never been on one. And really, it’s not like he can go and use whatever he’s seen on webtoons, right?

Their Speech 30 professor is quite imaginative. She said that going on a date with a complete stranger from the other class would get them to practice their persuasive speech skills by trying new things together. And now he’s on a “date” with a freshman, who very obviously doesn’t want this either.

Wonyoung is nice though, which is great. She messaged Jisung first, saying that she saw his name on the spreadsheet and that they were partners. They had tried to think of what to do on the date, and after some consultation, Jisung suggested that they go to the museum, as they both haven’t gone and it was an opportunity to do it. Wonyoung agreed.

He had a feeling that Wonyoung would go and agree to pretty much whatever he proposed, primarily because she wants this over with. Jisung feels the same.

So, they take photos of the exhibits, standing about two feet away from each other, pausing to read the descriptions as they moved around. Wonyoung confesses that she didn’t do any research on any of these things, and it gets a laugh out of Jisung. She’s a pretty cool partner. Date. Whatever.

While they go up the stairs, Jisung runs through his usual list of questions. He asks these to anyone he’s just met, just to fill the silence.

“So, what course are you studying?”

“I’m currently in Journalism!”

“How is it there?”

“Well.” She snickers. “Got mostly old professors. You know how they are.”

“Horrible, most of them.”

“Ding ding ding, you’re right!” Her grin is blinding. “God, I hate them.”

“Mmm, wait until you go through the other GEs. They’re even worse.”

Wonyoung clicks her tongue. “Thanks for the warning.”

Once on the second level, they’re met by several panels of paintings. They kind of separate here, going their own way as they explored. Jisung is thankful that she understands how awkward this whole thing is. 

At some point, they do meet again, to look at a series of paintings by the same artist. Jisung reads the description this time, while Wonyoung googles the title of the painting for a little more info.

Renjun had told Jisung that it was best if they just enjoyed the art at their own pace, not really get too much into impressing one another and taking photos. Jisung thinks they both aren’t into this to impress one another at all.

“Are you an athlete?” Wonyoung asks as she’s photographing some well-preserved documents in a glass case.

“I’m part of the pep squad.” Jisung takes photos too, hoping this will be enough for documentation.

“Oh wow. What’s that like?”

Jisung sneers, shaking his head. “Very busy and very tiring. Also most of my allowance now goes to muscle tape.”

“But you love it?”

“Yeah.” He smiles. “I do. I love it, even though it’s pretty shit sometimes.”

“What do you mean by that?”

They’ve moved to another section of the paintings. Wonyoung doesn’t even raise her phone anymore, probably thinking that she has enough for the documentation part of the essay they’re going to write.

“Ah, second date first?”

Jisung immediately regrets that, and wonders why he even bothered trying something he saw in the webtoons after promising himself that he won’t.

Good thing that Wonyoung bursts out laughing at that. “You’re funny, Park Jisung.” She punches him on the arm, and it’s stronger than Jisung anticipated. “You and I both know we’re not going on a second one ever.”

And she’s right. It’s great that they’re on the same page.

On the third floor, there are rooms with different exhibits. Often, they’re minimalistic compared to the rest of the gallery, with either a film playing or a chair in the middle of the room. They both agree not to linger there.

It’s still pretty early when they leave, so they both decide to get milktea. Apparently Wonyoung hasn’t tried the milktea shop in Area 2 that eternally has the buy 1 get 1 promo, so Jisung takes her there.

On the jeepney ride to there, Jisung accidentally drops his water bottle out of the moving jeep, so he has to get off and leave his partner in the first jeep while he gets his water bottle and gets on another jeep. It’s embarrassing, and he’s sure Wonyoung is laughing in that other jeep.

Well, at least his bottle isn’t cracked.

When he gets off the jeep, Wonyoung is waiting just by the post office, grinning at him. He tries his best not to cringe from the shame.

He leads her to the milktea shop, just a tiny stall tucked into one side of the street. Jisung asks her what she’s going to get, and she chooses the chocolate one, same as his order. They split the cost of one in half, and she fishes in her coin purse for change to make it exact.

Jisung can tell she’s trying not to laugh at the memory of what happened at the jeep, and he honestly can’t blame her. They sip at their milkteas, the sun starting its descent behind them.

“Do you think we did enough today for the essay?” he asks, chewing thoughtfully on a boba pearl.

Wonyoung nods. “Yeah. You got me to go to the museum, and I got you to share the cost of these milkteas with me. I think that’s enough.”

Laughing, Jisung shakes his cup. “Wow, we can probably get anyone to do anything for us at this rate.”

“Hell yeah, we should try that.”

They end the “date” at about 5, when Wonyoung has to go home. They say goodbye at the jeepney stop, and Wonyoung makes him promise not to drop his water bottle again. Jisung waves her goodbye.

In the jeep on the way home, Jisung sends the photos of the “date” to the groupchat. He gets several replies from Jaemin asking him if he thinks that he and his partner have chemistry while pretty much everyone else coos about how grown-up he is now that he’s going on full-on dates. As if he didn’t tell them already that this was for a class.

Chenle doesn’t say anything, though, just likes the slew of photos.

◑

Something that doesn’t quite seem to change is having lunch with Chenle.

They’re just in the hallway of the newer Economics building today, with their legs tucked close to them as they sit on the stone bench. Jisung still has a PowerPoint to finish reading while Chenle has his slew of worksheets out, and somehow they still manage to eat their lunch of semi-cold chicken cutlet drowned in gravy.

And as always, Chenle has a story to tell, even when he’s busy inputting figures into the blanks.

“So, the printer I have at the condo broke last night. And I mean, _late_ last night. I really needed to print these out and then the printer decided to break on me. It started making these weird whirring noises and it just didn’t print anything, no matter how many times I restarted it and put new paper in. Honestly, can printers smell fear or something?”

Jisung looks up from his laptop, just barely able to remember the last line he read. “How’d you print that then?”

A near-empty Gtech is pointed at him. “Getting to that. Anyways, so because the demon spawn of a printer won’t work, I did what I had to do: ask my friends if they can print it for me. Honestly, if I didn’t have a 7 am class when the printing shop opens at 9, I would not have had to do that. Fuck 7 am classes honestly.”

Taking a bite of his soupy rice, Jisung just nods. He knows that there’s a lot more to come, so he settles back to listen, PowerPoint already forgotten.

“My first choice: my roommate.” Chenle makes a face. He never really liked his roommate all that much, but he’s never changed roommates either. “He’s still out at ass o’clock, and I was hoping he was at least close to a working printer somehow. Chances were slim. I still texted him.”

For a few moments, Chenle doesn’t continue, only inputs numbers into his calculator. The answer he writes down is a little scrawled out, but Jisung knows it will suffice.

“And then, I find out he’s at this club!” Chenle nearly yells into his papers. “Like, honestly, who the hell goes clubbing right before his first long exam of the semester? But I was like, hey, he might be close to a computer shop for all I know, or he can crash at somebody’s place with a printer, but then he stopped replying. Because of course. That guy never charges his phone right. Never.”

He watches as his best friend flips to the next page of his worksheets, and try as Jisung might, he understands nothing of what’s there on the paper. 

“So okay, he’s out. Next choice: Donghyuck hyung.”

Chenle stabs a slice of the chicken with (thankfully) his fork, and a drop of gravy narrowly misses his papers. “I thought about how he was close to this printshop, and that maybe he could do a little late-night run or even an early morning one. After all, we have kind of the same break hours, he could just hand it over to me.”

Without difficulty, Chenle opens a bottle of iced tea. Jisung has never opened one of those on his own yet. “But, well, I forgot he doesn’t really stay awake past 12 sometimes because, y’know, signs of aging.”

Jisung nudges him with a foot. Chenle only laughs.

“It was...I think, 2 am? Even if I messaged him, he’d probably see it when he wakes up. Which, according to his reply, is 10 am. So yeah, okay he’s out of the question too.”

Straightening up to roll his neck a little and stretch, Chenle goes on. “Obviously, best option at this point would be to have it printed at the library here right?” He raises his brows, and Jisung doesn’t get the chance to give an answer before he continues. “Okay, first: I hate the librarian here. Second: I don’t have a USB with me. Third: I’d really rather not be yelled at for being irresponsible when I just want to get my shit printed. That brings me to my third choice: Jaemin hyung.”

He listens amusedly while his best friend tells him about how Jaemin was his last hope and yet also failed him, which lead him to get the worksheets printed at the library in the end. Apparently, it really isn’t a win for Chenle at all, but at least he got his worksheets.

Lunch together was almost always like this. They find somewhere to sit, preferably close to where their next classes will be. They talk about anything and everything, from annoying partners to how they were almost late for their first class that day to professors that don’t show up to random stories they hear from their hyungs. It was a catching-up session lasting about an hour each day, which is kind of funny because they talk to each other every single day anyways. Most of the time they’d see each other’s dead-eyed stares, and they’d laugh even though they were well aware that they weren’t looking all that great either.

It’s honestly some sort of miracle that their break times align more often than not. This wasn’t just routine, it felt closer to tradition now, their break times with each other. It was comforting to have this.

In his first year, they had lunch with all the hyungs. They were a group that often ate in the lobby of Palma Hall, or if they ever wanted to try new places, they’d go in a group. There were many stories always, about one or two of them cramming something, and Donghyuck coming late but always being the first to finish eating out of all of them. It was because most of their schedules aligned nicely, and they could even go to Area 2 and having lunch there before all of them getting into a jeep to go to their respective buildings.

Those times are long gone, and sometimes Jisung misses them. He misses the chatter, the way that Jaemin hyung always had some cake or cookies for everyone to share, the index cards that Mark hyung had to study for his long exams, the way that Jeno hyung always seemed to be doing crafts for his org. He misses either Renjun hyung or Donghyuck hyung passed out on the floor, getting in precious minutes of sleep during their breaktime. He misses the way that Chenle showed them all funny tweets he had screenshotted from when he was in his English class. Jisung misses that time a lot.

Still, having Chenle here, with him still, with an endless amount of stories while they eat their cold lunch, Jisung thinks it’s enough.

◑

Jisung isn’t sure if he likes org fair season.

He’s manning their booth, giving stacks of the flyers to Yukhei and Guanheng, who are their best bets at getting people interested in the pep squad. Beside Jisung, Yuna is briefing an interested group of friends who want to audition.

The good thing about this is that he can be excused from some of the other activities because he’s already done this one. That means time for a nap (super essential) or time to cram whatever he has to cram. So, he’s almost volunteered for the org fairs.

The not-so-great thing about it is sitting in the booth for hours on end, with the lone electric fan in the corner not quite enough to stop him from sweating. Also, he has to brief people every now and then, especially when he’s the only one left at the booth when the others have to go to their classes. He’s okay to talking to people, really, but saying the same thing over and over to about a dozen or so people gets old really fast.

At least the hyungs always offer to buy him food whenever he does this. That’s enough to keep him doing it.

On the laptop they’ve connected to a TV, their winning performance from last year’s UAAP Championships is being looped. He kind of doesn’t want to see the routine anymore, he’s lived it dozens of times and has seen it around dozens of times too. But it’s the only video they can loop for now, until another teammate hands over the USB with the introductory video they’re supposed to play.

With a tiny groan, Jisung reaches for the fruit shake their coach has gotten for all of them manning the booth today. It’s too hot to go more than 15 minutes without drinking _something_ , so he’s super thankful for this.

Since there’s not much to do, he rifles through his bag for his readings. There’s a Soc Sci 2 test later, and he’s only halfway through the material they have to read up on. He notes that he doesn’t seem to have a bluebook, so he hopes he remembers buying one later.

He feels a gentle nudge at his side. “Where’s that guy that’s always with you?” Yuna asks,

Okay, another not-so-great thing about this: everyone at the booth wants some sort of story so that they’re entertained.

“Chenle? He has class right now.” Jisung flips to the last page he’s highlighted.

“Oh. Did you know, I almost thought he was part of the pep squad until somebody told me he wasn’t.”

It makes Jisung snicker. “He gets that a lot.”

Yuna shrugs. “He’s always with us, that’s why. Or, well, he’s always with _you._ ”

Jisung uncaps his highlighter, goes over a line. “That’s what everyone said.” He chuckles, shakes his head. “I tried to get him to audition, but he just flat-out said no.”

Humming, Yuna looks through their sign-up sheets. She’s already noting which ones are likely to follow through and go to the auditions.

“You’re very close, the both of you. It’s cute.”

Guanheng is leaning over them, pushing his long hair out of his eyes. “Are you kidding? They’re nearly attached at the hip at this rate.”

It’s not long before Yukhei joins in, wiggling his brows. “Tell me Yuna, did you think Chenle was just part of the pep squad or did you also think that he and Jisung were a thing?”

Yuna’s eyebrows go up, and her eyes have widened. “Well…”

He’s heard this conversation countless times from them at this point. At first, they didn’t want to admit it to his face, but soon, somebody had slipped up and asked him if the boy he’d take to some of the practices is his boyfriend. Which is the farthest thing from the truth.

Scrunching his nose at them, Jisung says, “You know we’re not…a thing.”

“Oh, we know.” Guanheng flicks his hair off of his face. “That doesn’t mean you’ve stopped looking like you are. I’ve seen couples with a whole lot less chemistry than the both of you.”

Nodding, both Yukhei and Yuna agree with him. Jisung lets out a sigh. 

“Yeah, but we’re not a thing, so that’s that.”

He can practically feel the three exchange looks. “Alright, if you say so.” Yukhei gets another stack of flyers from him. “You’re prof’s Mrs. Soo right? Good luck with that.”

With a groan, Jisung just goes back to his studying.

◑

"We're gonna do what?" 

"We're going to sing a High School Musical song in public. As in, music video-style," Chaeyeon says brightly.

Donghyuck slings an arm around Jisung. He has no doubt in his mind that his Donghyuck hyung has something to do with this decision. “It’s gonna be fun! We’re going to sing it in the jeep, and at the sidewalks and in the buildings. Y’know, very homemade video style.”

Their Speech 30 professor has assigned them into groups and told them to do their task: film a video of them performing anything in public. They had to have an audience that could be clearly seen in the video, and they needed to really film everything in public. Ma’am Choi had told them that they could perform anything, be it a play or a song or a dance, as long as it reached at least 2 minutes. Then, they’ll show it to the class in the next meeting.

Jisung is thankful to even have someone he’s familiar with in the group. He could hold onto Donghyuck whenever he was cringing from the embarrassment of what they were about to do, and that is a big plus. And, Donghyuck was naturally shameless in public, it would be easy to follow his lead.

As leader of the group, Chaeyeon makes their group chat right away. They’re going to pick maybe their top 3 songs from the soundtrack, and then choose from those. Jisung is not going to admit he knows all of the songs by heart (mostly because he’s watched it half a dozen times already with Renjun and Donghyuck), lest he be chosen to lead the song.

They end their little meeting in the lobby of Palma Hall, him and Donghyuck watching as the others leave. Then, his hyung takes out his phone, and Jisung already knows what’s coming.

“Come on. Let’s refresh our memory, yeah? We’ve got like, two free hours to watch HSM 1 again.”

◑

“You’re doing what?”

Jisung shrinks back into his seat. This would’ve been better if his Donghyuck hyung were with him.

“We’re...we’re gonna sing a High School Musical song in public for our Speech class.”

Renjun stabs a siomai with his fork. He’s frowning. “Why wasn’t _my_ Speech class that fun?”

They’re at Renjun’s favorite little eatery in Krus na Ligas, a shop that sells pretty cheap meal options plus is right across the stall where they got their fruit shakes. Jisung couldn’t really argue with the fact that this place had both unli soup and unli rice for like half the amount they pay for meals in some of the places in their university.

Chenle pauses momentarily from cooing at the puppy that they have here. “I bet Donghyuck hyung proposed the idea.”

“Well, he’s not the only HSM nerd in the group.”

Jisung’s group was going to be filming the video this afternoon, at their class hours since their professor gave them the day just for that. He’s been playing _Gotta Go My Own Way_ the past few days, and he can probably sing it in his sleep at this rate. Chaeyeon had even given them a sketch of their positioning and then a document where she color-coded their parts. It was going to be a whole performance. He’s even seen another one of his groupmates reading the lyrics to himself in one of the comfort rooms.

He doesn’t think he’s nervous. It’s just the thought of them being in all those public spaces while absolutely feeling it as they sing the song (Troy and Gabriella version, of course), is kind of a lot. He can perform in front of large crowds of people, but this was different.

Renjun seems to sense his tension because Jisung feels a hand rub his back soothingly.

“Hey. You’ll be fine. Hyuckie and I taught you well.”

He scrunches his face. “I hope I make you proud.”

Chenle nudges at his side. When Jisung turns, he sees his best friend smirking. “Send the video right away, okay?”

◑

**[bunso forever]** **  
** _1 video attachment_

 **[working boi]** **  
** What’s that

 **[cutest hyung]**  
remember when i told u about us doing an hsm music video

 **[working boi]**  
Oh my god  
I didn’t think you would actually do it????

 **[cutest hyung]**  
it’s like u don’t know me at all

 **[stephen curry’s 3rd son]**  
YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE SINGING GABRIELLA’S PARTS????  
EXCUSE ME JISUNG

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** wait hold up i’m in class what’s happening

 **[cutest hyung]**  
our baby boi here sang gabriella’s parts in gotta go my own way  
he really felt it and all wow we have so much material

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** did u just say  
gotta go my own way???  
jisung….singing gabriella’s parts??????  
why wasn’t i informed that this was happening  
@Na Jaemin where are u  
even more important  
where’s jisung

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** @Park Jisung

 **[stephen curry’s 3rd son]** **  
** @Park Jisung

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** @Park Jisung

 **[direk]** **  
** @Park Jisung  
wait why are we tagging jisung

 **[working boi]** **  
** backread, nana

 **[direk]** **  
** he WHAT  
wait omygod  
look at him he’s such an actor wow i-

 _bunso forever has left the group._ _  
_ _steph curry’s 3rd son has added Park Jisung._ _  
_ _steph curry’s 3rd son has changed Park Jisung’s nickname to bunso forever._

 **[steph curry’s 3rd son]** **  
** oh no you are not escaping this

 **[new glucose guardian]**  
bro r u heartbroken  
why do u look like u are

 **[working boi]** **  
** **👀**

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** **👀**

 **[direk]** **  
** **👀**

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** **👀**

 **[new glucose guardian]** **  
** **😶**

 **[bunso forever]**  
no comment on the matter your honor

 **[steph curry’s 3rd son]** **  
** NOW he speaks

◑

After Chenle’s Sunday exam, they go to the mall near the school. Most stores aren’t open yet, but a good number of the food places are.

This is sort of a tradition now, Jisung guesses. Chenle always has Sunday exams, Jisung always seems to have Sunday practice. They always go to the mall after, eating brunch and wandering around aimlessly to get the most out of the airconditioning.

They end up at the McDonald’s of course, squeezing into one of the last remaining tables. Chenle offers to order for them both, already having memorized what Jisung usually gets here. 

While he lines up, Jisung prods at his sore muscles. Not too bad. It does ache, but not enough to warrant him going to the comfort room to put Salonpas on. He can probably survive the day.

Chenle returns pretty quickly, sliding into his seat while running a hand through his hair. His shoulders are a little slumped when he rests his elbows on the table. Slowly, his hands come up to cradle his head.

“How was the exam?” Jisung asks, like he always does.

His best friend makes a face. “Like most of the exams for my majors: terrible.”

“What happened?”

“It was half fill in the blanks, and half essays. You have to get the _exact_ answer or it’s not counted. With the essays, we had to analyze and explain the data given to us in no less than 10 sentences. I truly, truly feel like I do not have braincells left.”

Jisung reaches out to tap at his knuckles. “At least it’s done.”

“The only consolation.”

“And later you’re going to send me screenshots of stuff you’re going to order from Shopee.” He raises his eyebrow.

Often, after a stressful week or a string of exams, it could be expected that his best friend would again camp out on Shopee, scrolling through until he finds something he likes. Most of the time, Chenle would even ask him if he wants anything from the shop, so they can get the free shipping after they reach a certain amount. He could expect that it would happen again this time.

Chenle’s face blanks. “Uh, well, I can’t promise that I _won’t_ …”

Their knees knock together under the tiny table. “I’m gonna get Jeno hyung to make you a spreadsheet of all your expenses. How many packages from Shopee are you expecting this week?”

His best friend does his best not to look straight at him. “Uh, maybe 5? 6? Something like that.”

“And how much did you spend?”

With a grin, Chenle only pats his hand. “It’s better if you don’t know.”

◑

Poking him in the leg with a ballpen, Renjun asks, “Hey. I thought you were going to help Chenle pick out a suit for his brother’s wedding today?”

Jisung pauses the movie he was watching. He rolls over, lets his back get cushioned by all the pillows Renjun has on his bunk. “He has a movie date today. We’re going to the mall tomorrow.”

With a frown, Renjun asks him to scoot over. Jisung follows, closing the lid of the laptop and setting it aside so his hyung can fit.

They’re the only ones in the Huang-Na dorm today, as Jaemin’s out for an org photoshoot. Jisung came over with no reason at all, and Renjun didn’t even question it when he got up into his bunk and borrowed his laptop. 

Earlier, his hyung had just been at his desk, his readings strewn across his desk. Jisung was just reminded to keep quiet, and he followed.

Quiet has always just been their thing, Jisung guesses. Renjun needed the quiet for whatever he was doing, and Jisung didn’t talk much either when he was here. It just worked.

Now, though, Jisung knows that Renjun wants to talk. For a few moments, Renjun doesn’t say anything, just looks at his sheets like they’re interesting. Jisung can feel that he’s hesitant, so he waits.

When Renjun looks up at him, his eyes are unreadable. “How are you, Jisung?”

He furrows his brows. “People keep asking that.”

“We’re just...asking.”

Jisung picks at a loose thread at the hem of his pants. He takes in a breath, lets it out slowly. “But why do you keep asking?”

There’s no answer right away again. Like maybe Renjun is trying his best not to say what he wants to, primarily because it’s really not a great thing to say. Still, Jisung wishes that they could go on with it.

Instead of saying anything, Renjun only sighs. He takes the laptop, opens it. Jisung watches him from the pillows.

The movie is pulled up again, and Renjun presses play before he sets it back down. He opens his arms, a silent invitation to Jisung. After a moment’s consideration, Jisung sits up to settle into him, watching the movie even though he doesn’t quite remember what happened right before he paused.

It’s easy to stay like that, and Jisung does his best to relax. He thinks he knows what the other had really intended to ask about, and why he chose not to.

About two movies in, Jisung falls asleep. The last of his consciousness registers Renjun sliding a pillow under his side.

No dream comes to him. It’s just pure black, and the feeling of it tugging him into something soft. Jisung allows it, lets himself fall.

When he wakes up, Renjun is still watching on the laptop. Blinking away the bleariness of sleep, he tries to get the pink-haired boy into focus.

“How–” he manages, but he can’t get himself to continue.

“Two hours. Do you wanna get something to eat? Jaem’s done with the shoot.”

Jisung knows he nods, but he doesn’t remember actually doing it. Renjun closes the laptop, then reaches a hand out to Jisung. Taking it, he’s pulled up, and the motion makes his head spin just a bit.

When they go down to the lobby, Renjun doesn’t bring up anything from their earlier conversation.

◑

“Wait, I think I can see it. Is it this brown building?”

_“Oh my god, Jisung. I told you we should’ve come together.”_

“I wanted to try to go to it myself!”

He hears Chenle sigh on the other end. _“It’s the white and green building. Do you see that?”_

Squinting, Jisung sees the building. He just needs to cross the street to it.

“Yeah. I do. Hold on.”

He crosses with a family, reaching the mall pretty quickly. There’s not a lot of people around, probably because it’s 4 pm on a Wednesday. Jisung calls Chenle again to ask where he should go next.

_“You should be able to see the Krispy Kreme. Can you see it?”_

Turning around, Jisung looks for it. Across from where he’s standing, he can see the unmistakable green and white signage.

“Yes. I’ll go there.”

_“Text me when you’re there, I’m already walking.”_

Jisung goes over to the pedestrian crossing, waiting until a security guard motions at them to walk. Even though the day has been raining on and off, it’s still hot, and Jisung feels stuffy in his hoodie.

Once he’s arrived at the donut shop, Jisung texts his best friend and momentarily pockets his phone. He manages to take his hoodie off and stuff it into his backpack as he waits.

Chenle arrives, pushing his hair out of his flushed face. He must have walked pretty far, then. 

“Ready?”

He gets pulled along to a large department store, one that he hasn’t gone inside before. Jisung feels a little self-conscious about the fact that his P.E. uniform is soaked in sweat and the rain as he goes into what looks like quite the fancy place. On the other hand, Chenle is going in shamelessly, even though his shoes are a bit muddy from his commute to the mall and their walk to here and his hair is damp with sweat.

It smells like perfume here, Jisung notes, as he takes in everything. The store is brightly lit, and he can see row upon row of makeup, with all the shiny mirrors and the huge ads. The airconditioning here is pretty cold, and Jisung thinks about the jacket he had stored into his bag.

Taking his hand, Chenle leads him to the menswear section, a little further back from the entrance. They pass by several other sections, but Jisung barely has the chance to look.

For a quick moment though, Chenle stops by the men’s shoes, looking over the new sneakers they have on display. Jisung has to remind him that they’re here to get a suit.

The saleslady that approaches them has a wide, friendly smile. “For the both of you?”

Chenle shakes his head. “Just me.”

She leads them into a section for teenagers, Jisung guesses. He reaches out to touch the sleeve of one of the suits to know how it feels under his fingers.

“For prom?”

“A wedding, actually.”

“Oh, congrats!” The saleslady brings her hands together. “When is it?”

Jisung tries not to laugh at how Chenle has suddenly reddened, even more obvious because of how fair he is. 

“Uh, it’s not my wedding,” Chenle manages to get out. Somehow, that makes it more difficult for Jisung to hold in his laughter. “It’s my brother’s.”

“Oh! What color scheme is it going to have?”

Chenle unlocks his phone, makes a few swipes before turning his screen towards the saleslady. Jisung assumes that he’s showing her the swatches on the invite.

“We have selections in those colors. This way, sir.”

They go to one of the racks, and Jisung can’t recognize the brand. It has several suits hanging from it in a multitude of warm colors. Chenle gets closer, pulling out a wine-colored one.

In the mirror nearby, Chenle looks at how the color looks held up against himself. He hums, and Jisung knows he’s considering this as an option.

The saleslady, who has a nametag that says _Leah_ , pulls out a couple more suits that seem to fit in the color scheme. They’re all the same size, one size up from Chenle’s usual, but Chenle agrees to try them on right away.

Unsurprisingly, the dressing rooms here are larger than the ones in the malls that Jisung goes to. Before he can fully take in the nice dressing room area, Chenle pulls him into one of the rooms.

It’s large enough for maybe five or more people to fit in comfortably, with 4 hooks and a whole bench to sit on. He sits gingerly on the bench as Chenle hangs up his options. Jisung can’t exactly say that he hasn’t been in dressing rooms with someone else before, but he certainly hasn’t been in one with Chenle.

It’s not weird. He’s just not used to it. That’s what it is. He never really thought this would happen ever, but he’s here now and he’s not sure how to deal–

“You look like you’re going to pass out.” Chenle’s toeing his shoes off, setting them aside. “You okay over there, Jisung?”

Jisung can only nod. He tries his best not to look at the mirror, because he knows that Chenle is about to start undressing.

He hears him chuckle. “You’re such a teenager, Jisung.”

“I’m _twenty_ –”

“Then why are you looking away? I mean, you _have_ seen me undress, like a hundred times. I swear you’re gonna look like this first suit at this rate.”

Breathing in deeply, Jisung tries to compose himself. He most definitely is not turning red. Quickly, he chances a look at the mirror, and he not only sees Chenle grinning at him, he sees the flush that’s started to spread across his face.

“See? You’re embarrassed.”

“Just get dressed.”

Chenle laughs at him.

In the time that his best friend takes to get the pieces on, Jisung answers a few of his messages. There’s the groupchat for his org, and he reads through what was talked about and he likes the chatboxes. One from Jeno, who’s telling him that his new I.D. is at the office already. One from his mom, asking him to order something for her on Shopee.

He gets a message from Donghyuck. From the preview, he’s asking where they are.

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** where r u  
we’re gonna get dinner

 **[bunso]** **  
** @ gateway  
lele’s getting a suit

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** send pics

 **[bunso]** **  
** wait he’s not finished changing

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** oh are u in the changing room with him **👁️👄👁️**

 **[bunso]** **  
** .  
yes  
why

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** _wiggling-eyebrows.gif_  
enjoy bub!

 **[bunso]** **  
** _silence.jpg_

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** send pics of the suits! wanna see

 **[bunso]** **  
** fine fine

“Donghyuck hyung wants me to send pictures,” Jisung tells his best friend, still not looking up from his phone.

“Is he fine with pictures of my ass?”

“Chenle, no–”

“Kidding. You can look now, promise.”

Jisung does look up. Chenle is in fact, fully dressed now. It’s a deep turquoise, sleek on Chenle’s figure. A black shirt is under it, two of the buttons undone. Not his usual size, but it suits him so well. Jisung tries his absolute hardest not to stare.

Chenle’s smile in the mirror borders on teasing. “Well?”

It takes a second before Jisung realizes what he’s asking. “Oh, uh, I love that one.”

A giggle bubbles out of Chenle’s throat. “Take a photo then, because I’ll be changing into the next one.”

Raising his phone, Jisung takes a few shots. Chenle even makes a few turns for him so that he can get everything. Jisung hopes the photos don’t turn out shaky.

As he’s sending the first set of photos to Donghyuck, he hears the rustling of fabric. Chenle must be getting out of his suit already.

“Did Donghyuck hyung say anything?”

“What do you mean?” Jisung decides to just send the photos to their groupchat.

“Don’t you know?” A hanger clatters against the wall. “All of them believe that we kind of have a thing going on, just that we don’t admit it.”

Jisung nearly drops his phone. It’s good that he catches it between his knees. He really does not need another crack on his screen.

“What?”

“Y’know, like we’re a couple or something.” There are soft thuds on the floor, so Jisung guesses that Chenle’s getting into the pants. “All because we’re always together and we’re close in the way that like. Doesn’t look super platonic.”

A notification pops up on his screen. He’s grateful for the little excuse to reply to that rather than come up with something to say to Chenle.

But Chenle doesn’t stop talking.

“And usually the hyungs are gonna be like ‘Wow you’re out together again? Is this a date or what?’ or they just send all sorts of memes that basically say they’re looking. At us being...together. Which is funny to me honestly because we’re not even together like that? Like do we just give off ‘in love with each other’ vibes or something?”

Jisung has even less of an answer for that.

“So, Jisung-ah, did Hyuckie hyung say anything?”

“Uh.” Jisung bites the inside of his cheek. “He just wants the photos.”

“Hm.” Another hanger clatters. “Doesn’t sound like him.”

In the groupchat, Jeno’s the only one that’s actually replying rather than sending the eyes emoji. Jisung tells them that Chenle is taking so long getting dressed.

“I swear to god Jisung, if you’re telling them I get dressed slowly I will neck you.”

This time, it’s Jisung that laughs.

When Chenle tells him that it’s okay to look, Jisung raises his gaze, and might have just fallen off of the bench if the wall wasn’t just behind him.

This suit is the wine-colored one, the first one, and it looks even better than the first suit that Chenle tried on. It looks like it was made just for him, and he has an almost vampire-like aura in it.

Instead of saying anything, Jisung just takes the photos, sends them to the groupchat. He’s aware of Chenle’s grin at him.

“You like this one,” his best friend says. It’s not a question.

“It looks great on you. Well, everything looks great on you…”

When he looks up again, the smile on Chenle’s face is even wider. Jisung stares back with wide eyes.

“This is why people think we’re a thing. You keep saying things!”

His hands go up to his collar again, starting to unbutton, and Jisung goes right back to staring at his phone. He opens and closes the same chatbox over and over.

Chenle lets out a breath, loud in the confined space. “Thank you for coming with me today,” he says softly. “I can do this on my own, of course, but, well.”

“I’ll always come with you,” Jisung tells him. “Anywhere.”

“Anywhere?” Jisung can imagine Chenle tilting his head.

“Yeah. Anywhere.”

Jisung doesn’t have to look up to know what Chenle’s expression is like.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** ok how about this for a birthday present for myself?  
_1 image attachment_  
I mean, it’s like. half the price it used to be  
and i deserve it after my exams ugh

 **[big head #1]** **  
** sure why not  
u know i’m not going to stop you right

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** I think you really should start stopping me  
the amount i’ve spent this month  
*nervous laughter*

 **[big head #1]** **  
** if i try to stop u, will u stop?

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** **💗** no **💗**

 **[big head #1]** **  
** so why even try lol

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** oops checked it out already

 **[big head #1]** **  
** do u want me to act surprised or nah  
wait  
i thought the shoes u bought last week  
were ur bday gifts to yourself?

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** um  
hehe

 **[big head #1]** **  
** lele…..

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** what  
it’s my 21st, it’s a special birthday!

◑

He doesn’t really like the grass in the Sunken Garden. It’s itchy, even through his jogging pants. Jisung is not sure how Chenle manages to lie on it without squirming around.

It’s a Wednesday, and both of them have weirdly long breaks. They’ve decided to just hang out in the Sunken Garden, pass the time away from their stuffy buildings. Jisung is thankful that it’s not too warm today, and he can still manage to have his university hoodie on.

In the sun, Chenle stretches like a cat. Jisung snickers at it, and his best friend nudges him weakly with a hand.

“Listen, this is like the only nap I can get these days.”

“Okay, okay.” Jisung feels himself smile as he pushes the hair off of Chenle’s forehead.

Even though Chenle seems adamant on just sleeping on the grass at first, he thinks the better of it and moves to put his head into Jisung’s lap. He settles there like it’s second nature (it kind of is), his platinum hair splaying out over Jisung’s thighs.

Like this, Jisung has free rein to run his fingers through the locks, scrolling through his social media with his other hand. Chenle almost immediately falls asleep, undoubtedly tired from all the sleepless nights he’s been pulling.

It’s not long before Jisung feels his legs prickle from the lack of movement. He grits his teeth and bears it though, not wanting to disturb his best friend’s nap. Chenle finally looks at peace now, like he doesn’t have deadlines to worry about and exams to study for. That doesn’t happen very often.

Carefully, he picks out the leaves that have fallen onto Chenle’s hair and shirt when the wind makes them land on him. Chenle stirs a bit at that, scrunching his face like a kitten sleeping. _Cute_ , Jisung thinks.

Given the chance, his best friend sleeps nearly anywhere. The desks at the study areas, the lobby (usually of Renjun and Jaemin’s home college), the jeep, someone’s sofa, Jisung’s shoulder or lap. It’s just how he is, and god knows how much Chenle deserves whatever sleep he can get.

So, Jisung is used to this. The occasional mumbles, the hogging of his lap or shoulder for hours at a time, the weak batting at him if he moves or makes a noise. He lets it all happen.

Every now and then, Chenle jolts awake, looks at the time on his phone, and goes straight back to sleep. Jisung cards his fingers through the blonde locks again, and Chenle doesn’t have a hard time going back to dreamland for just a bit more.

His best friend has been under a lot of stress lately, he knows. Chenle never really shows it, but Jisung can see it, still. It was Chenle’s senior year, and he was balancing the last of his majors plus his thesis. Jisung gave up asking how much sleep he got, because Chenle wasn’t bound to tell him the truth. So, he’s trying his best not to push or anything, even when his best friend gets cranky from the lack of sleep.

Jisung wonders if he’ll be like that too. He’ll be the last to graduate from their group supposedly, and he’s not sure what he’d do without everyone else. Would he also sleep just anywhere because of stress? How would his thesis even go? It looked like Jeno and Mark had completely different experiences with their theses.

Ah, Chenle was graduating. They’ve talked about it exactly once. Chenle likes the idea of getting out of here, but not really what came after.

Well, it was scary. Chenle didn’t know if he could get a job right away, or if he would be asked to go back to his hometown, or if he’d even have something to do with his degree. It’s a good degree, yeah, but there wasn’t always an assurance that he’d get something right away. As they’ve come to learn, being in one of the top universities in the country and having a good degree and graduating with honors doesn’t always mean a job that would be well-paying (although, admittedly, it sure had its perks in most situations). 

And then, it was likely that Chenle would go back to his hometown. There, he’d probably take over the family business, get ready for the expansions that his family wanted. Chenle didn’t want any of that, he wanted to do his own thing, and he really hasn’t been able to ever since got into the course that they wanted for him.

So, Chenle didn’t really talk about it. It was just a fact that he will graduate and he’d have to work towards that, but he didn’t think anything else about it.

Jisung has tried not to think about it. He’s always assured himself that it was a long way to go, but now, he’s a little over a year away. It was so close, and each day only brought him closer. And so, he can’t help but think about it.

He can’t count the times that his mother has asked him what he plans to do after. He can’t count the times he’s said he doesn’t know yet, because really, he doesn’t. People keep saying that he’ll figure it out, but what if he doesn’t?

God, he barely thought about it until Mark hyung graduated. It was… a weird feeling. They were all proud and happy, of course. Mark had graduated summa cum laude, already had job offers months before he marched. It was good, he was done with uni and had his whole life ahead of him.

But things changed. They always are, yeah, but this time, he could really feel it. Jisung doesn’t know if he just got too observant, or he was feeling too much which is why he caught on to more of the changes. Whatever it was, he saw it. He saw how it just wasn’t quite the same, even if Mark promised to visit. It was quieter, just a bit, and that was a reminder enough.

When Jeno hyung graduated, that changed things even more. He was truly a mainstay in the group, always, always present in everything, and even when he’s just working at the Office of the University Registrar, it doesn’t feel quite the same. He knows that Renjun, Jaemin, and Donghyuck were even closer to him, having known him for their high school lives, and it was like losing a part of them.

By next year, four of his friends would graduate. One of the four is his best friend. It wasn’t losing them, although the feeling was almost the same. Jisung doesn’t know of the changes that will come along, or if he’d like any of them. 

Just as always, he’ll accept them, though. It happens.

Jisung is thinking a lot about graduation these days.

Chenle stirs awake, squinting his eyes against the sunlight. He seems to register Jisung after a few moments.

“What time is it?” he mumbles sleepily, too lazy to check his watch or his phone.

“Two-fifteen.”

“Ugh. I have class at 3.” Chenle pulls himself up, and his hair sticks out in weird places. Jisung smoothes it down.

While his best friend fixes his things, Jisung tries to get feeling back into his legs. He winces when he moves it, and bites the inside of his cheek as he shifts the position so that the blood can circulate.

Chenle scoots over to his side soon enough, pulling out his phone to look at his notes. Jisung remembers that he meant to give something to him, so he reaches for his backpack and opens the front pocket.

He finds it after some rummaging around his papers and stray ballpens. Dangling it in front of the light, he sees it sparkle.

“What’s that?” Chenle asks, head tilting.

Jisung shows it to him. “I, uh, made you a keychain.”

Taking it from him, Chenle looks to be cradling it in his hand, peering at it. Jisung pushes down his nerves.

“Sorry it’s not the prettiest thing ever.”

He had seen a YouTube tutorial just a week ago, and he went to the school supplies store to get beads and the thread for it. It had taken him a solid four hours, and he’s still slightly afraid that it will break somehow.

“Grabe naman.”

“You know I’m not the best at making that sort of thing–”

“I already put it on my bag. It’s cute, right?” Chenle practically thrusts the bag at him, showing where the little kitty Jisung made out of beads is dangling from the main zipper.

Jisung purses his lips. “Sorry it’s not much of a birthday gift…”

Chenle shoots him a look. “I love it, okay? I’ll use it well.”

It makes Jisung smile. Chenle gets ready to stand up, and he pats Jisung’s cheek affectionately.

“Thank you, Jisung.” He smiles at him, and in the afternoon light, Jisung feels his heart skip a beat at the sight.

He watches Chenle stand up and leave to go to his building.

◑

**[cutest hyung]** **  
** hey  
why didn’t anyone tell me lele sang gorilla by bruno mars at the wedding

 **[new glucose guardian]** **  
** he What

 **[direk]** **  
** nobody told me either???

 **[working boi]** **  
** Same  
Not that i’m surprised

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** _1 video attachment_

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** oh my god  
OH MY GOD  
ZHONG CHENLE WHERE R U

 **[bunso forever]** **  
** my phone’s dead - lele

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** u really sang that at ur brother’s wedding???  
in front of all ur family???

 **[bunso forever]** **  
** there’s another video where i was dancing it  
wanna see?  
\- lele

 **[cutest hyung]** **  
** YES

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** YES

 **[new glucose guardian]** **  
** am i going to be the same after it

 **[working boi]** **  
** Still @ the office so i guess i have to prepare myself before i see it

 **[direk]** **  
** how’d u even convince ppl to let u do that

 **[bunso forever]** **  
** that’s for me to know ;)

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** SEND IT ALREADY  
PA-SUSPENSE KA PA EH

◑

The new I.D. looks weird.

Chenle must think the same thing, because he’s doing a double take as he looks at Jisung’s I.D. From behind the glass, Jeno looks like he’s doing his best not to laugh at their expressions.

“Hey, it’s not so bad,” Jeno says. Both Jisung and Chenle look at him.

He raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, look. I know it looks...yeah, but it works as a card that you can pay stuff with. It’s super useful, since you can go cashless.”

Jisung watches as Chenle levels him with a look. “Unless I can pay for the jeep, the food service meals, and the photocopies of my readings, it’s pretty useless to me.”

Sighing, Jeno doesn’t even refute that statement. He flips through a few papers on his clipboard. 

“You get yours in a month, Chenle.”

With a handwave, Chenle says, “Can I...not get it?”

It’s Jeno’s turn to level him with a look. “You need it to get into all the libraries, and a majority of the buildings on campus.”

Features scrunching, Chenle makes a half-hearted nod. “Okay, okay. See you soon, hyung.”

A look passes over Jeno’s face, and Jisung thinks that if he could, he’d reach out and pat his best friend on the shoulder. 

“Take care, alright? It’s been super rainy these days, don’t get sick!”

Jisung puts his lanyard back on, new I.D. in the case dangling at the end. They say goodbye to Jeno, walking out of the building together.

It’s fairly easy to get on a jeep at this hour, and they get on the first one that passes. Jisung pays for both of them this time because Chenle has run out of change. The jeep is mostly empty, and the cold wind whips at them.

They get off at the jeepney stop right before the post office. Jisung leads his best friend to the cluster of stalls across from the eateries, their shoes crunching on the gravel.

Stopping at the farthest stall, Jisung awaits Chenles’ reaction.

“Hoodies?”

“Yeah. You always steal mine.”

It makes Chenle giggle. “You give them to me willingly!”

“Whatever. I’m gonna help you choose one.”

“Oh wait, I’m paying?”

When Jisung gives him a look, Chenle laughs. “Okay, okay. Which one?”

They get closer, and Jisung can see the many different jackets for sale. His isn’t really available anymore, as it’s his dad’s, and it was bought at the old Shopping Center all those years ago. There’s a similar one, though, in black. He points that one out to Chenle.

“You wanna match?”

Tilting his head, Chenle examines the hoodie. A bit too much like how he looks at the graphs from his worksheets, Jisung notes.

“Kinda want to get one that’s unique to me, at least in our group.”

Jisung nods. Chenle looks at him, and snickers, shaking his head.

“But you know what? Yeah, let’s match.”

The hoodie is taken down. After peering inside, they learn it’s two sizes larger than what Chenle gets usually. They also learn it’s the last stock.

Chenle buys it.

He swings his sweater paws around as they walk to the stall towards the front that sells produce and has a whole icebox full of ice cream. Jisung gets the crispy choco one (as per Donghyuck’s recommendation) and Chenle gets the strawberry one (his own favorite).

Standing just beyond the stalls, they try to avoid all the muddy puddles as they eat their ice cream. At some point, Jisung holds Chenle’s as the boy pushes the sleeves of his too-big hoodie to his elbows.

When they walk to where they can get on a jeep, Chenle swats at him playfully with the sweater sleeves.

◑

**[big head #1]** **  
** HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHENLEEEE  
wait i’m gonna post on my ig story and then i’ll send u my message

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** okay okay  
wait  
wth is that photo  
PARK JISUNG  
I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST U

 **[big head #1]** **  
** well u said it’s a special birthday  
so i made an exception

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** i hate u  
bwiset ka talaga

 **[big head #1]** **  
** ah, but u love me

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** bullying me on MY bday?  
wow  
are u sure i love u

 **[big head #1]** **  
** **💚** yes💚

◑

Every now and then, Chenle gets his heart broken.

Maybe that was the thing about being so open, about just having your heart right there for anyone to take. Chenle says he wants to be able to explore, to experience more by loving more. He lets anyone nice come close, because what was the fun in staying too much within a handful of self-made barriers? It was easy to hold hands with them, easy to smile and rest his head on their shoulders. It always seemed so easy.

Then, it always seemed too easy to tear him apart too. People did that again and again to Chenle, but that never stopped him from keeping his heart open, ready for anyone who’d come knocking.

Jisung knows exactly when this happens because he gets a text. Usually, it’s just where Chenle was going, and at this point, Jisung has already memorized the bars around the area. Most of them were small, not super popular, because Chenle doesn’t like the noise, just goes there to hope that somehow he can drown out whatever the hell he feels. Jisung knows, because that’s the only actual time his best friend ever drinks.

He never stops Chenle. Those were his decisions, and he never planned on getting in the way of something that made his best friend genuinely happy, even if it barely lasted a week sometimes. He’d tell Chenle that he was only getting hurt this way, but he never full-on stopped him.

Truthfully, he feels guilty about it, but he knows he’ll feel even guiltier if he keeps Chenle away from doing what he wanted to do. Jisung hated the feeling.

Once he gets that text, he messages his mom to tell her that he’ll be sleeping over at Chenle’s condo. His mom has stopped questioning it after his nth bullshit excuse, so he’s got that going for him. He texts his dad too, so he doesn’t worry, and he waits. Jisung has gotten quite good at waiting.

He gets the next text from Chenle just a little past 9. It’s routine now, and he stuffs his jacket into his backpack to retrieve easily later. Jisung gets on one of the last jeeps still going around the campus at this hour, and he silently wishes that Chenle is okay.

Well, as okay as he can be, with a broken heart and probably a shot too many in his system. He looks at his screen, rereads the text because he’s worried he might end up at the wrong place.

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** jrepnet stip  
exon bldg

Jeepney stop at the Economics building. He’s not sure how Chenle got there of all places since the bars are pretty far, but he can reserve the questions for later. Or probably tomorrow.

Jisung gets there in no time. When he hops off the jeepney, it takes a bit for him to see the figure lying down on the bench, the horrible streetlamps here barely helping him. But that shock of platinum hair, oh, he’ll never miss it.

He comes closer, greets the security guard looking worried at the side. “Good evening, officer.”

“He’s passed out,” the guard explains. “Good thing he didn’t hit his head on the ground or anything. You kids should really go easy on the drinking.”

With an apologetic nod, Jisung goes to his best friend’s side. In the faint light, Chenle just looks like he’s asleep, peaceful even with the most miniscule of teardrops still sticking to his long lashes. He also looks slightly out of place here, with his put-together outfit and those expensive shoes Jisung knows he got for his last birthday.

Gently, he whispers, “Chenle?”

That doesn’t get a response as usual, so Jisung places a hand carefully on him, ready to shake him awake. “Chenle. It’s me. We need to go home.”

After a few more persistent shakes, his best friend grumbles, making to turn around and away from him. Jisung lets him, but he doesn’t stop calling out to him.

“Come on. It’ll be better to sleep in your bed, right?”

He doesn’t get anything for a bit, so he moves to hold him again. Before he could, Chenle speaks up, and his voice sounds _horrible._

“‘Sung-ah.” It’s almost like he’s crying, or maybe his throat has already been rubbed raw from earlier tears. “‘Sung-ah, everything hurts.”

And Jisung hates it so much. He hates that this happens, hates that his best friend puts it all out there for people to trample on. He hates that he can’t take any of the pain away.

Placing a hand on Chenle’s shoulder, he makes a little squeeze. “I know. Let’s go home first, okay? It will hurt less there.”

When Chenle turns to him, face scrunched in disbelief and possibly pain from moving, he asks, “How do you know?”

Jisung doesn’t know. He has no idea how to make it go away. But he’s going to have to try, like he always, always does.

“I just do.”

His best friend doesn’t seem to believe him, but he sags against the bench anyways. It was his way of saying that he was surrendering, mainly because he just doesn’t have the fight in him anymore.

The Grabcar that Jisung gets arrives 15 mins later. Getting Chenle into it is somewhat a struggle, but it’s gotten easier over time. Chenle slumps into his seat, doesn’t even protest when Jisung drapes his jacket over him.

Jisung doesn’t protest either when Chenle’s hand finds his in the dark, holding on like he’s the last thing keeping him here. Maybe he is.

The guard by the entrance of the condominium building doesn’t even bat an eye when Jisung comes in, Chenle’s arm slung around his shoulder. Wordlessly, the guard just rings them up, and they get into the elevator securely.

Thankfully, Chenle’s roommate is not home, and not a witness to how Jisung unceremoniously stumbles into their unit. Also, Jisung will be eternally grateful for how Chenle’s room is the nearest door once he’s inside, and he manages to get his best friend into the room without much else of a problem.

While on his bed, Chenle barely looks at him as he helps to take off his shoes. Jisung carefully pulls on the laces, slipping off the sneakers and setting them aside. When he stands up to get Chenle out of his bulky jacket, Chenle finally speaks up, eyes still downcast.

“‘Sung-ah,” he says, and he sounds like crap. “Why?”

Crouching down, Jisung tries to meet his eyes, but his best friend is too stubborn for that. “Why what, Lele?”

Twisting his fingers together, Chenle says, “Why do you keep...keep doing this? You don’t have to.”

Jisung gets to his knees, and his pants make the floor squeak just a bit. He gently untangles Chenle’s fingers, holds them by his fingertips. 

“I know.” He knows it’s not really an answer.

Tonight, Jisung sleeps in Chenle’s bed, holding his head to him while his best friend mumbles songs to himself to help himself fall asleep. Jisung wishes, wishes that Chenle doesn’t get heartbroken again.

◑

“What’s your type, anyways?”

Jisung deadpans. “My… type?”

“Yeah, your type.” Chenle says it like he’s supposed to get it. “You know my type in people, but I don’t know yours.”

For a few moments, Jisung just stares at him. He feels his breath catch in his throat, and he hopes Chenle doesn’t notice it.

“Uh. I don’t know if I have one?”

Crossing his legs, Chenle leans back in his seat. “Okay, let’s try to look back at the people you used to like to see if you have a type.”

His best friend’s gaze is elsewhere, like he’s trying to recall their faces. Jisung barely remembers them himself.

“Ah!” Chenle straightens up. “You remember that girl from the other class when we were in 8th grade?”

Jisung grimaces. That one was just a little crush, he got over it after a month or so. Of course Chenle knows that one.

“What was her name?”

“Yerin.”

“Yeah, her! God, you really liked her.”

He feels like burrowing himself into his university hoodie and never coming out. Yerin was the class president of her section, and Jisung saw her a handful of times at events and student government meetings. Jisung was a treasurer then, and he didn’t like the meetings but she had always smiled at him and reassured him that they didn’t happen too often anyways.

She was the type of person that anybody would like. Yerin was smarter than almost all of them, but she wasn’t too proud. The way she carried herself was almost magical (according to 14 year old Jisung’s brain), and it’s like nothing she did would ever be wrong. No matter who you were, you’re bound to have a little crush on her.

So, he liked her. Couldn’t talk to her too well because he got nervous, but he tried. Felt his heart flutter whenever she would pass by him in the hallways and greet him with a smile. 

And oh, Chenle knew about that. Teased him about it, even after he swore to himself that he didn’t like her anymore. Chenle would raise his eyebrows, smirk at him in that particular way because honestly, he knew way too much.

“You’re never going to let that go, huh?”

Chenle shrugs. “It was cute. You got all blushy with her.”

Jisung shoves him lightly. Chenle only laughs.

“And the next one. Hyeongjun, was it?”

With a groan, Jisung hides himself behind his hands. “Oh my god, I forgot about him.”

He’s sure that his best friend is smiling as he’s poked at the top of his head. “You liked him for longer. Like, nearly a year right?”

“...yeah.”

The chair under Chenle creaks when he shifts position. “When you first told me about him, I thought, ‘why him?’ You didn’t see him a lot. But then I saw.”

Jisung peeks out through the spaces of his fingers. “Saw what?”

“You know how our school has that whole-day program for teacher’s day? He performed then. And I understood why you liked him.”

Hyeongjun was part of their school’s dance club. Jisung was part of it too, but he joined a little later. When he did, he met Hyeongjun, who everyone said was one of the best, if not the absolute best of them all.

Now, Jisung had been dancing for a good part of his life. It was a part of him that’s always been there, and he loved that part. He never hid that fact, and he’s always enjoyed how easily dance came to him.

But Hyeongjun moved like the music _was_ him, was part of his every movement, even when he wasn’t dancing. He was unlike anyone Jisung has met before, all shy giggles and strong lines and unwavering cheer. Chenle said that he was entranced, and at that time, Jisung thought he was absolutely right.

He’d never admit it, but Hyeongjun was part of the reason he kept wanting to improve his dancing. Jisung kept practicing, kept trying to get better, and he did. 

“Mmm, and there was that senior you liked in your freshman year...”

Honestly, how does Chenle remember these people?

“I don’t remember her name, I only met her a few times. But I think she fits your type so far.”

Jisung twists the drawstrings of his hoodie around his fingers. “And what’s my type?”

His best friend raises his pointer finger. “You like them more adventurous than you, more willing to try new things. They’re fun, they like all sorts of things. But they’re also pretty laid-back, you know? Nothing too overwhelming.”

Another finger goes up. “And they’re kind, understanding towards you. Patient, yeah, and super encouraging. Like, they just want to see you improve, see you get better at these things, even though sometimes they’re just small things.”

Jisung tries his absolute best not to make it obvious that he feels like he has stopped breathing.

“And it’s super important that they make you laugh. You enjoy their company, even though it’s not for too long of a time. You’re comfortable with them. Even better when you get actually close to them, because then you can be absolutely yourself around them.”

Seeming to remember one more thing, Chenle’s eyes go wide. “Oh, and you like them pretty! Like, they just have this glow to them, right? A softer face, and a smile that you love. You told me that.”

It might just be too late to look away. Chenle’s leaning in close, his face brightening up like he’s had a revelation.

Jisung is terrified of that possibility.

“And I don’t understand this about you, but you’re okay with them not liking you back? Like, you just want to admire them, and even though it hurts you, you’d never tell them that.”

Well, that’s true. It really was okay, since he never expected them to like him back. He wanted it, but he never expected it of them. And it hurt, yeah. Of course it did.

Eyes narrowing, his best friend examines him. One of Chenle’s feet nudges him. “You know, if I didn’t know you, I’d think I was just your type.”

Jisung is not sure if Chenle could physically hear his heart stop, but he thinks the whole world just might. It screeches to a halt, just seconds away from disaster. Jisung presses his mouth closed, trying to make sure he doesn’t say something stupid.

When Chenle doesn’t get a response, he goes on. He leans back again, putting the distance between them, and Jisung hopes to whatever god is listening that he could breathe.

“Well, I don’t fit the pretty type obviously.” Chenle makes a dismissive handwave. If Jisung wasn’t so focused on calming himself down, he might have just refuted that statement. Yeah, if. “But everything else is pretty close, huh? I mean, I would never think that you’d like me that way, but I’m just saying…”

Something in Jisung is screaming. He’s not even sure what it is anymore. But it’s telling him to run, to shut it down, to not make it obvious that his best friend has just shot a bullseye.

Jisung forces the screaming down.

“Uh…” is all he gets out, and he doesn’t even know what he’s intending to say. _Yeah, that would be so weird Lele,_ is the first thing he thinks of. _Well, what if theoretically I did like you...that way?_ is the second thing he thinks of. _Haha fuck I think I need to leave_ is the last thing, and probably the one he can go with.

“That’d be weird, wouldn’t it?” Chenle asks, shaking his head at him. “If you liked me.”

He’s calm enough to think about Chenle’s earlier words. Chenle fits everything, right to a t, and Jisung feels his chest constrict at how his best friend is absolutely right.

Park Jisung does have a type. And it’s fun, patient, ever-understanding, laid-back, comforting, pretty, glowing, absolutely heart-breaking Zhong Chenle.

“Can you tell me my type?” Chenle tilts his head.

Jisung stares at him for a long moment. Like maybe he can read him, figure out his own best friend, but he does not read much.

“I…” He swallows. “Kind of–kind of like my type, but also someone that steadies you.”

An eyebrow raises. Jisung goes on.

“Like, okay, you’re strong. You’re such a strong person, yeah. But it doesn’t hurt to have someone there, right? Someone to...keep you on your feet or just hold your hand.”

His best friend goes silent. Jisung thinks his eyes are narrowing at him, and that maybe, just for the moment, he’s not quite breathing.

And Jisung, Jisung doesn’t know why, but he wants to keep going. He isn’t even sure when he picked up all these little things that Chenle seemed to like in people, or just the traits the people he liked had. But saying them somehow feels good, like an admission, even though it’s not for him to admit.

“And–and you have all these things you wanna try, all these places you wanna go to, right? I think, for you, it’s not just about them going along with the stuff you wanna try. You want to be able to rely on them. Like, you want to know that they’ll go with you on these adventures, but also stop you when it’s going overboard.”

“You really know this huh?” Chenle blinks at him owlishly.

Jisung thinks about the people that Chenle has dated. They were all different, yeah, but at their core, they had so many similarities. It really was a type, and Chenle seemed to seek it. He may not even be aware of it.

Nodding, Jisung twists his fingers in his lap. He does his best to maintain eye contact, because he doesn’t want to waver.

“They…” He takes in a deep breath. Chenle’s gaze has softened. “They make you happy. It’s easy to forget the problems and the doubts, because they make you smile. They show you that it’s okay to hope, it’s okay to enjoy every now and then. And I dunno if you’ve ever really opened up to them, but I feel like if you did and they’d actually care about you and your experiences and feelings, you’d like them even more. Because happiness has healing too, right? You told me that once.”

A corner of Chenle’s mouth tilts up. He shakes his head just a bit. “I haven’t.”

Jisung lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Oh. I know it’s not your thing, but–”

“It’s okay.” Chenle smiles at him, that one-line smile. “You’re right though. About everything.”

It makes Jisung perk up. He wasn’t sure he was reading Chenle’s type right. “Yeah?”

His best friend nods, lets out a sigh. He smiles at Jisung, but Jisung thinks it looks just a tad bit sad. “Yeah. You know me best after all, Park Jisung.”

◑

Today, Jisung is at the market with his Jaemin hyung, peering into sacks of different flours. He was bribed with the promise of Jaemin baking something for him after this trip, so he’s not going to complain. Also, he can probably count this market run as exercise for the day.

The baking supplies store smells a lot like cake, and it’s far too early for him to get cake. So, he just looks at the glass display full of sugar flowers while his hyung goes through his list of needed supplies. There are a variety of flowers, and also many other of the little sugar figures they put on cakes. Jisung hasn’t had a cake with those in a while, and he finds that he misses picking those sugar decorations off and eating them on their own.

A lot of people are here today, and by the amount they’re buying, Jisung guesses they must have businesses of some sort. Everyone who’s working in the store is in kind of a frenzy attending to everyone, and they barely notice Jisung just lingering by the glass case. Jaemin is already in line with his claim stub, and he looks just a bit like he doesn’t like going here on a busy day like this.

While waiting, Jisung’s gaze wanders to the little stall selling siopao at the front of the store. He hasn’t had breakfast yet, being practically dragged here before he could manage to. Maybe he can get his Jaemin hyung to buy him a siopao.

What Jisung wasn’t prepared for is the amount that Jaemin was buying. They’re already given bags made out of old sacks because it was too heavy to just be in a paper bag. Jaemin gives him one of the bags, and Jisung can already foresee the sore muscles the next day.

The only consolation he gets is Jaemin _does_ get him a siopao, the steaming fluff of the bun soft as he bites into it.

They have to go further into the market for more of the stuff on Jaemin’s list. Jisung tries to keep himself steady as he totes the heavy bag in one hand while the other is holding his food. The inside of the market is rather damp, and they have to be careful not to slip.

“Why choose me to come with you, again?” he asks around a mouthful of dough.

Jaemin is walking towards the store with all the packaging supplies. He doesn’t look Jisung’s way. “Well, you should get some walking in, right?”

Jisung gives him a look, and Jaemin doesn’t have to see to know.

“I just wanted to,” his hyung admits, pausing at the sidewalk. “We don’t...we don’t have a lot of time left.”

“We’re not dying, hyung.”

Jaemin raises his brows at him. “With this government? Yeah, we are.” His chuckle is hollow. “But what I mean is…you know.”

He does know. It was almost December, almost the end of the semester. And then they’ll all start another semester, and after that, all of them might be eligible for graduating.

And Jisung will be the only one left.

In front of the store, a saleslady stands up, asking them what they’re looking for. Jaemin tells her the specifications for the type of box he’d like to get to put cupcakes in. She goes further into the store to ask someone for stock of that box. Meanwhile, his hyung turns to him.

“Sorry if I just bring you to places out of the blue.” His voice is soft, and he offers a tiny smile.

The thing is, Jisung gets it. His Jaemin hyung could be clingy, yeah, but there were a lot of things he still didn’t talk about. He never really expressed things verbally, choosing instead to show how he felt. That caused a good number of misunderstandings over time, but he knew that Jaemin just wasn’t quite as direct or as open about certain things like some of the other hyungs. On the rare occasion that he did, he most likely never talked about it again.

So this, getting him to come along with him on something that is really just an errand run, it means that his hyung wanted to spend time with him. He’s learned that Jaemin rarely asks for this, choosing instead to either go on his own or when asked. Even so, he could have easily had Renjun to come along, but he chose Jisung for today. It’s true, they really didn’t have as much time left, every little thing like this mattered. 

“It’s okay, hyung,” he assures him. Jaemin’s smile widens.

The saleslady comes back with a whole stack of varying boxes, and Jaemin picks a few samples to try out before committing to buying a whole bulk of them. Besides, he says, it’s not like they could carry all of it home today.

Next on that list is finding some baking trays. Jisung just follows along, filling in their silence with random anecdotes and pointing out the things he sees. He’s been to this market before, but not quite some of the sections they pass. Jaemin appreciates his chatter, even though he feigns annoyance at how loud he can get. Jisung knows his hyung likes this, and he quite likes this too.

After what was probably half a dozen more stores, Jaemin seems to be done with his list. At least they’re both a little balanced now with what they’re carrying, but the strain is the same. Jisung has a strong feeling he’s going to crash into bed when he gets home.

To get some life back into them, Jaemin brings them to a streetfood stall right across a bank. He orders them kwek-kwek and chicken skin, even gets two bottles of soda. Jisung thanks him again and again, and Jaemin only ruffles his hair.

As Jaemin presses his kwek-kwek down into the little pool of sauce, he asks, “Chenle’s going to graduate soon, too.”

Jisung stares at the frying station. “Of course.”

“I mean.” Jisung hears his hyung open the soda. He slides over his own bottle to be opened, too. “You don’t have much time left either.”

He takes a deep breath, and it almost catches in his throat. Jisung knew that. It was a fact he had thought about many times already.

Not that hearing it said now aches a little less.

“We have plenty of time. We’re best friends.”

Beside him, he just knows Jaemin is staring at him, trying to read whatever he has on his face. Jisung feels like there’s not much to go on.

“Jisung.” His hyung’s voice has turned a different tone, that quiet one that’s meant for when he just wants one person to hear. “It’s been three years. Aren’t you going to do anything?”

The next breath he takes feels prickly, like something has caught in his lungs. “No.”

Jaemin sighs. “You’ve always said to communicate, to talk about things. Why can’t you do that, too?”

And suddenly, Jisung just wants to sit down. He’s exhausted from the day, and he really does not need to talk about this right now. He wants to talk about this some other time, but he’s long learned that Na Jaemin won’t let him get off the hook that easily.

Clutching his soda, he takes a few sips, let the carbonation burn all the way down. Jisung wonders if his chest is reacting to the fizz, or if he physically feels his heart hurt.

“But really, what can I do, hyung?” It feels like his ribs are collapsing inwards, just a bit. “If I tell him, what will that do? Will it give me closure, or will it just make everything so much harder? What happens if I tell him and then he moves away? I don’t win here, no matter what I do.”

It’s not a proud moment, but Jisung can say that he has accepted it. That it isn’t just about not having a chance, it’s about losing that chance too, if he ever even got it. 

When Jaemin speaks after a few counts of silence, there’s a sternness in his voice. “Jisungie.” It’s how he sounds when he’s completely serious about something. “If I were you, you’d tell me that I wouldn’t know what the outcome was if I never tried. You’d tell me that I should not be afraid of something that I never let happen.”

Jisung looks down at the patterned tablecloth on the little ledge where they set their food down. It’s full of flowers, in full bloom.

“And I know. I’ve been an idiot for longer than you have been.” Jamin takes in a breath, lets it out. “But I really don’t recommend it. Don’t be an idiot, please. I know you think you have time, but everything’s changing, Jisungie. You’ll keep thinking that you still have time, but one day you’ll realize you’re too late. In fact, you already are late, so please.”

He stares and stares at the flowers, traces them with a finger.

It’s true. He really doesn’t have the most time in the world. Even if Chenle doesn’t move away, graduating would mean he can get a job, he can meet new people. If Jisung doesn’t say anything, do _anything_ , he will be beaten to the punch. And he’s going to have to swallow it and go on, like he has for the past 3 years. He doesn’t know how much longer he’s going to hold out like this.

“You can’t just keep catching him everytime he falls for someone else.” Jaemin’s gaze feels hot against his skin. “When will you be the one that has someone to catch you when _you_ fall? Jisung, you’ve been falling for too long.”

Now, Jisung doesn’t mind doing it. He wants to be there for his best friend, to hold him and get him back on his feet. Jisung wanted to do it, because he can’t bear the thought of Chenle going through the whole thing on his own. He wants him to know that he’ll stay, through everything.

But his Jaemin hyung has a point. He can’t keep being just the one to fall back on. It’s not doing him any good, no matter how often he tries to convince himself that he can handle it. Truly, can he even handle it? If he keeps doing this, will he just keep falling, mere moments away from where he shatters?

There’s a finger poking his side. “No pressure, really, but I’m just saying. Don’t wait for a sign from the universe, okay?”

When he turns to look, Jaemin’s tilted his head at him, eyes full of concern. Just past him, outside of the market, rain is starting to pour in sheets. Jisung still thinks of the flowers that are blooming.

“If you are, this is your sign. Remember what you told me?” His eyes go wide. “‘Better to be hurt knowing the truth and setting yourself free, than never knowing and torturing yourself forever.’”

Jisung almost smiles. That’s from one of the webtoons he had read, and it stuck to him well. Well enough that he’s told Jaemin, and that Jaemin remembers the line perfectly.

“I did say that.” He lets a corner of his mouth tug up.

A hand is clapped onto his shoulder. “You did. Now, live it, alright?”

Jisung nods.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** should i go purple  
this purple  
_1 image attachment_  
I don’t think i’ve done this shade before??

◑  
  


Chenle whines. “Ow, okay, I asked you to come here to help me, not hurt me!”

“I don’t know how this works!”

Reaching behind his head, Chenle says. “Just give me the brush, I’ll do it myself.”

Jisung hands it over, sitting down on his heels. The parts he covered with the dye don’t look so bad, but they’re definitely not like how Chenle does them.

He’s at Chenle’s condo unit again today, staying with him while he does his usual way of coping. Which, to summarize, is him dyeing his hair and then bingeing a Netflix show. He’ll also go through maybe a whole pack of gummy bears, or until Jisung stops him at some point. 

Already, he’s seen Chenle touch up his roots. Jisung was standing outside of the lone bathroom in the unit holding the towel for Chenle to get from him once he’s emerged. At least his best friend still felt like doing that, so maybe he isn’t in too much despair. That was a good thing.

“Doesn’t it hurt to dye your hair right away?” he asks, plopping down on the floor across from him. Chenle had bleached his roots twice, and was now dyeing all of his hair purple. (Supposedly. It looks red to Jisung right now.) He may not have done this a lot, but Jisung knows it stings.

“Yeah, it does.” The way he says it is so matter-of-factly. “I just want to get it done so I can do other things.”

In the time that Jisung has known him, Chenle can do other things just fine even while he was waiting for the dye to process. Still, he doesn’t comment on it.

When Chenle finishes (much faster than Jisung could have ever done it), he puts a shower cap over his hair, tucking it all inside. He then tells Jisung to turn on the TV so they can watch something while they wait.

Unsurprisingly, Chenle chooses a crime documentary. He’s been pretty into that these days.

About 6 minutes into the episode where a mother was murdered in a grocery store, Chenle already knows who did it. He gestures to the screen, crumbs from the corn chips going everywhere. 

“Obviously, the son did it,” he says. “Him just finding the body doesn’t make sense. The mother didn’t even fight back, so she obviously knew her killer.”

Jisung nods, because he doesn’t have anything else to say to that. He dips his hand into the chip bag, and takes out another handful.

The killer does turn out to be the son, and Chenle gives him a look that says “told you so” even though Jisung never even argued with him about that in the first place. Jisung throws him a corn chip, and Chenle catches it in his mouth, munching down on it happily.

“Okay, fine, you’d be great investigating crimes.” Jisung presses the button on the remote so that they can go to the next episode.

“Ew, I’m not going to be a cop.”

“Why not? You’re good at this.” Momentarily, Jisung pauses the screen, just before the opening credits start. He gets up from the sofa to get himself a drink. “I bet you’d do better than what we have right now, which really, is not even that much of a high standard.”

Chenle throws him a look from the sofa. “Listen. Cops are disgusting. I don’t trust any of them, and I’d rather not be in training with any of them.”

When Jisung comes back to the sofa, Chenle reaches for the bottle of fruit juice he got from the fridge. He opens it for Jisung, which he always does. “Last year, around 5,000 suspects were reported to be killed in police operations in this country alone, but it’s estimated to actually be 27,000 killed that weren’t investigated properly. We’re the third so far in the top 10 countries in terms of the numbers of police killings, twice more than the U.S. And that’s just the killing, what more the other things they’ve done?”

His best friend waves his hand, clearly passioned. “And of course, they can get away with it, right? Because who wouldn’t, when the president himself wants to protect the police more than he actually protects the people? Cops are disgusting, and it doesn’t help that they’re just being allowed to be while everyone else pays for it. They now get more annually than thousands of people who deserve that money more.”

Jisung sighs. He remembers the near-daily reports, the type of thing that both his Donghyuck hyung and Renjun hyung featured in their campus publications. And of course, he’s even seen them prowling around the campus even though they’re legally not allowed to. That was the thing about being in a university that was known to the general public to have resisted the government and protested against their wrongdoings. They were monitored constantly, and the smallest, most unrelated thing would be used to arrest and apprehend them even though there seems to be barely any proof that would be enough to hold them.

It was sadly the reality of so many not just in the university, but in the whole country. Every single day, people were threatened to stop their resistance, or they would face consequences. Not that the fact has stopped movements from everywhere from happening. After all, a government that refuses to listen to the criticism of their people and silences any form of protest against them clearly has something to hide. 

People just wanted to live. What the government was doing, what the president has been green-lighting, it wasn’t living. 

“Okay not a cop. Part of the forensics team, then? They’re very important.”

Chenle sighs, but a small smile spreads across his face. “I used to want to do that, y’know?” His eyes get a far-away look, like he’s reminiscing. “I was 9 or 10 when I first watched a crime show. And I thought, oh my god, that’s so cool. They can determine who did it. I wanted to do that.”

Examining him, Jisung asks, “Did you...already know about what the situation of the country was?”

That makes his best friend sigh again. “I didn’t know everything, but I got the gist of it. My parents said that that was normal, but what was normal about disappearances, assaults, murders going uninvestigated? _Why_ was it normal for people to just accept that it happened and that they should just move on?” Chenle looks down at his hands. “It was normal for people to just forget, as if...as if the people involved weren’t even human beings with valuable lives.”

Jisung nudges him with his knee. “You wanted to solve crime?”

His best friend’s expression softens. “Yeah. I guess that was the equivalent of me being a superhero, I guess. I wanted to do what was right.”

That makes Jisung smile. That sounds very, very Chenle.

“I can’t solve crime now, though.” He presses his lips together into a line.

Jisung pouts. “Doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to do what was right. You could still do good, whether or not you solve crime.”

That gets a grin out of Chenle, who nudges him with a socked foot. He’s shaking his head, but it never wipes the smile off of his face.

“The world needs more of you.” Jisung makes a playful punch to Chenle’s arm. “It’d be a better place.”

Chenle chuckles. “Damn right.”

About two more episodes later, Chenle goes to wash the dye out. Like before, Jisung stands just outside, holding the towel readily.

Emerging from the bathroom with dripping, fluorescent purple hair, Chenle looks...content. Jisung dries his head himself, and Chenle stays as still as possible. He comes out of it rather damp, and a little flushed. 

They go watch the next few episodes as they wait for Chenle’s hair to dry. They kind of get chip crumbs all over the couch and maybe a few juice spills because of Jisung jumping whenever they put on creepy music and Chenle pokes him in the side. Later, Jisung knows he’s going to have to monitor his best friend’s online shopping while they wait for the fast food they ordered (which, for the record, he’s not really supposed to have).

He knows Chenle will be okay.

◑

Donghyuck nudges him gently with an elbow. “You got them?”

Sighing, Jisung reaches into his bag and pulls out an envelope. “What do you think of me, hyung?”

With almost trembling fingers, Donghyuck opens the envelope, peers inside. The smile on his face could rival the sun itself.

“Oh my god, Jisung, you actually did.”

In the envelope are 6 UAAP Cheerdance Competition tickets, almost front-row seats. The tickets were sold out pretty much everywhere, and it’s impossible to get ones like those.

He can see the beginnings of a question on his hyung’s expression. “I make miracles happen, hyung.”

Laughing, Donghyuck crushes him into a hug.

◑

Chenle presses a chocolate bar into Jisung’s hand, even though Jisung really shouldn’t be eating sweets too often now.

“My aunt came back from the States, and she sent a whole box just for me.” His best friend takes a seat on the floor across from him, plopping his bag and his lunch down on the ground. “Please tell me you’ll help me clear that box.”

Jisung stifles a giggle. “Okay, okay.”

It’s a couple of weeks from the competition, and almost the whole team is tense. The routine is good, but it still feels like it lacks _something_ that none of them can place. They keep practicing, even late at night, and it’s perfect already, but it’s not quite _there._

Truthfully, Jisung isn’t all that nervous. It’s his third cheerdancing competition since he’s joined the team, and he knows he should feel more pressure since they’re the reigning champion, but he just doesn’t. He just does the routine, over and over and over, and doesn’t really feel the dread the rest of the team seem to have.

Maybe his mind has just shut that thought out for now to spring on him later. Maybe.

Now, his best friend is more worried than him.

“How’s the practice?” Chenle asks, almost casual as he gets a spoonful of his rice and tapa. 

“Tiring.” That was Jisung’s default answer, since it was true. 

He wasn’t the type to get tired easily from practice, but doing it until nearly dawn was something else entirely. Jisung very barely dragged himself out of bed this morning. His mom said he was just functioning on autopilot at this point.

“Are you being careful?”

When Jisung looks at him, Chenle is skillfully masking the concern in his face, but not quite his eyes.

His best friend has watched the whole routine actually, seen the first versions of it and all their first trials. He was the only one that was allowed to see it, the first one to know exactly what they were doing. The team was attempting stunts they haven’t in previous years, and a lot of those had to go through several trial and error rounds before getting any of them right.

Undoubtedly, everything was done as safe as possible, but mishaps happen. Even with the most careful and skilled of performers, there were factors that could still contribute to an accident. It was like that, and they knew it.

With all the precautions in place, it’s still understandable to worry.

“Yes,” he answers. Jisung presses his knuckles against Chenle’s knee. “You know I’m always trying to be careful.”

He gets a nod. “Okay. Okay. I believe that. I just don’t want to see you hurt–”

“I won’t.” Jisung squeezes his knee. “I promise I won’t get hurt, Chenle.”

Seemingly satisfied with that, Chenle goes back to his food, and Jisung starts on his. The quiet doesn’t really come often with them, but they both welcome it.

After a few bites, Chenle pipes up again.

“You nervous?”

When Jisung looks up, the sunlight from the windows has made Chenle’s hair look different, like he’s haloed. “No. Not...yet, anyways.”

Chenle looks back down at his lunch, poking his spoon around. “You always get nervous last minute.”

It was true. Jisung could go weeks without feeling nervous about the thing, right up until either the night or just minutes before whatever it is he has to do. Once he sees that it’s very real and very close, that’s when he feels it all, crashing into him like a truck of nerves.

Truthfully, he’s not sure if that’s a good thing.

“I know. I just...I haven’t thought about it too much.”

Something passes over his best friend’s expression, but he can’t see all of it due to the sunlight. “Sometimes it’s best not to think about it, yeah? Thinking ruins a lot of things.”

It makes Jisung chuckle. “You’re right.”

This time, Chenle nudges at his knee using his knuckles. “Hey. I’m proud of you.”

It’s not that he hasn’t heard Chenle say it. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the support nearly every single day. It’s not that he hasn’t heard these words from so many people, Chenle included, for so many different things.

It’s the way Chenle smiles softly at him, his eyes amber in the sunlight and all too beautiful. Devastating, that word he’s seen Renjun write so many times before in all his pieces. Chenle is devastating and full of life and so, so proud of Jisung, no matter the amount of times he messes up. 

_You’re doing so well,_ Chenle had always said when he felt down because the outcome wasn’t quite what he expected. _You’re doing so well, Jisung-ah._

As much as his best friend liked to berate him when he got hurt or he wasted materials or something else, Chenle always told him that he had time to make it better, do it better. And when he did, there was the assurance that he was improving, that he’s done better than he’s done before. Chenle’s always believed in him, be it when he tries to cook something instant or when he first tried out for the pep squad.

And Jisung is thankful.

◑

“Okay, everybody take 5!”

Jisung melts into the floor, dragging his backpack closer so he can get his water bottle. Across him, Chaeryeong, one of their flyers, rummages in her bag to get a face towel.

“You’re pretty chill, huh?” she remarks, roughly rubbing the towel over her sweaty face and neck. 

Well. About as chill as he can be when they’ve practiced the pyramids about a dozen times today and he’s had his shoulders stepped on more than that, not to mention their run-throughs of the routine. Yeah, pretty chill.

“I’m good at pretending I am,” he says between sips.

She huffs out a laugh. “Good to know you still have it in you to do that.”

In the next moment, she’s plopped down beside him, dragging her scrunchie off of her hair. Once it’s off, she runs her fingers through the brown locks. “Might as well while I still have hair, right?”

They’re all going to have haircuts that coming weekend. Judging by the cuts of previous years, they were going short as ever. Chaeryeong has barely grown out hers to about halfway down her back, and Jisung only really remembers how short it was, so seeing it like this is kind of a new experience.

“Do you miss it? You know, when it’s gone?” Jisung asks, clicking his water bottle closed. 

Chaeryeong looks at the waves passing through her fingers. “I’m used to it now, I guess. Right now, it already feels way too long.”

Jisung hums, stuffing his water bottle back into the side pocket. He then feels someone poke him in the thigh, barely there from how numb his muscles are from the practice. It jolts him a little, but his body protests against that too.

When he turns, he’s met with Chaeryeong scrunching her face at him.

“This is the last year I can call you baby of the group.”

With a pout, Jisung pokes at her too. “I’m not even the baby of the group anymore. We literally have freshmen with us!”

She makes a gesture with her hands like she’s dismissing that fact, but she’s starting to laugh. “You’re still our baby. You know that.”

“Yeah, I’m too aware.”

“I bet after the competition next week, everyone’s going to want a photo with you. You’re going to be the new most-talked about oppa out there.”

Jisung makes a disgusted face. “Oh my god, no. No thanks.”

Laughing, Chaeryeong pats him on the back. “You can’t escape that. I’ve been in this team long enough to know.”

He’d much rather not think about looking through his social media after the competition to see everyone asking for his name or posting photos of him he doesn’t even remember taking. Jisung has heard of some of his teammates experience that. The past years, nobody paid too close of their attention to him, a lot of them preferring his seniors. He never really thought he’d get to that point.

Good thing that their coach is calling them back. Their break is over, and they’re going to run through everything again.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** I’ll have to leave early tomorrow  
there’s just something i have to do, ok?  
sorry ;;

◑

Unsurprisingly, Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Chenle fuss over him more than his parents on the day of the competition.

They got to his house earlier than he had even set for his alarm. When he stumbled out of his room to go eat some form of breakfast before he went, he could hear three distinct, all-too-familiar voices.

That wasn’t a shock to anyone, much less his mother, who didn’t seem like she slept after her Kdrama marathon and went straight to preparing breakfast. At their 6-seater table, his friends were already scarfing down pandesal, with Jaemin hogging the chocolate spread while the other two were scooping corned tuna into theirs. 

“Jisungie!” came Jaemin’s greeting, a little too loud for barely 5 in the morning. “Come sit! Hyuckie over here will finish all your breakfast if you don’t hurry.”

Across from Jaemin, Donghyuck had pointed a spoon at him. “Wow. Says the one who ate all the remaining cheese!”

Jisung had gone over to his mom first, whispering, “Ma, did you give Jaemin hyung coffee?”

And he had watched as his mother’s eyebrows furrowed, and then her eyes widened and her jaw fell slack. “Uh…”

“Ma…”

“I made coffee for myself and he was looking so I gave him a mug too.” She had grimaced. 

Taking in a deep breath, Jisung had slid into the empty seat next to Jaemin, and was very nearly dragged off of it with the sheer strength of Jaemin’s arms around him.

“Excited?” Jaemin had asked, considerably soft.

Jisung had shook his head. The nerves had settled in the night before, and sleeping felt impossible because he was so worked up. He did crash at some time after 3 am, which wasn’t the best because he had to wake up less than two hours later.

At that, Jaemin had squeezed him gently. “It’s okay. You can feel whatever you wanna feel today.”

That didn’t quite feel comforting in his state, but he accepted it and ate as much as he could.

Now, with them squeezed into the middle row of his dad’s car, Jisung appreciates their relative silence. Chenle is asleep, head on his right shoulder. Jaemin is on Chenle’s other side, texting Renjun how to get to the venue and also letting Chenle rest his head on him whenever he shifted. Donghyuck is a little dazed, most likely the lack of sleep getting to him, but he’s fighting it by mumbling the lyrics to the songs played on the radio.

On the ride to his teammate’s house where they will all get into their outfits and prepare, Jisung feels his heart swell against his ribs. He’s not sure if it’s the nerves, or excitement, or just how it feels to have his hyungs with him here. Chenle shifts in his sleep again, hand flopping down on Jisung’s arm. Jisung thinks it’s the last one.

Arriving at the house, they see that half of the people are mostly passed out, sneaking in a little more sleep, and the other half is practically flitting around, downing their breakfast drink of choice and practicing using little movements. It’s the usual chaos of the competition day, and all four of them have seen it enough times now.

Coach Kim is the one that welcomes him, his headband pushing back all his long hair out of his bright eyes. “Jisung! Come, come, we’re just having breakfast.”

Behind him, the three are trying not to step on anything or anyone in the cramped living room. Some people say hi to them, some just shout out variations of “Jisung!” whenever he passes by them.

Jisung finds himself sat down on one of the side tables, a plate with rice and ham thrust into his hands even though he insisted he had already eaten. He’s not even sure who gave him the plate, but he eats anyways.

Jaemin and Donghyuck perch on the steps of the stairs, stretching out their limbs after being in the car. Somebody comes closer to them to show them how they’re supposed to be styled today. Chenle sidles up next to Jisung, a plate in his hands too.

“Never gets calmer, huh?” Chenle says, trying to cut the ham with the edge of his spoon. 

Smiling at him, Jisung replies, “Where’s the fun in that?”

Distantly, Jisung registers the questioning noises that both Donghyuck and Jaemin are making, loud even with the music being played over somebody’s tinny speakers. He sees Coach Kim call over Yukhei, their team captain, to talk about something. In the living room, Chaeryeong is nudging the others awake, saying something about them needing to start their run-through soon. At the table, three of his teammates are eyeing the last slice of ham while two others are finishing off the pandesal.

Jisung thinks he wouldn’t have it any other way.

◑

Somehow, Donghyuck wrestles the hand-held fan out of Mark’s hand, scurrying closer to where Jisung is. He feels the soft breeze against his neck and cheek, and he wants to turn to thank his hyung, but Chenle’s hand on his jaw keeps him from doing it.

“Hey, I said to keep still.” 

His best friend is fixing his makeup, a little smudged up from his sweat. It’s hot here in the venue, despite it being air-conditioned. Jisung really just wants to blame the sweltering heat even in the middle of November. 

On his other side, Jaemin is already taking photos, while Renjun is holding a camera bag and his boyfriend’s other two cameras. With Jeno and Mark close to hand out water bottles or little packets of snacks, Jisung can barely see where his parents are, or if they’re still even there.

“Jisung-ah, close your eyes.”

He follows. The brush sweeps over his eyelids, firmly putting more of the color onto there. Chenle seems to mumble an order to someone, and the brush is back on Jisung’s skin.

Even like this, he can hear Jaemin’s camera shutter when it clicks. At this rate, there might just be over 40 shots on different cameras just from the hour that they’ve been here.

Jisung takes in a deep, quiet breath. He thinks he might be past nervousness now. He’s running on two breakfasts and a handful of sips of Jaemin’s coffee, they’ve had one complete run-through and the music in the dressing room is vibrating through his skin since he can’t quite hear it over the clamber of everyone else. Coach Kim isn’t even giving them pointers anymore, choosing to let them breathe while they’re waiting. Jisung just feels like he wants to go out there already and perform.

Someone squeezes his hand. “You’re good with this, honey,” his mother’s voice says, most likely to Chenle.

He thinks that his best friend must have smiled. “Thank you auntie.”

At this point, it’s not even new anymore that he has a whole horde of people with him. The others did have their family with them, maybe a significant other or a friend. But he’s the only one with nine people surrounding him, fixing his clothes and his makeup and his hair and getting him to hydrate and fanning him and whatnot. His teammates don’t bat an eye at it anymore, but he’s still a little embarrassed.

However, Jisung won’t deny it to himself that it’s nice. Nice, that so many people are here for him, and that they are the same people that’s always been here for him. Nice, that he knows they’ll still cheer for him no matter what happens.

Chenle lets him open his eyes so he can check, hand still on his jaw turning him side to side.

“Okay, you’re good.” Even though Chenle’s looking at him, it almost feels like he isn’t.

“Thank you,” Jisung says softly, smiling at him. His best friend gives a tight-lipped smile back.

It’s the last thing he sees before everyone else starts saying that they need to take photos before they had to go to their seats. Chenle separates for a bit, phone in hand as he goes out of the cramped room. Jisung doesn’t get the chance to get a word in before he’s closing the door behind him.

◑

The music is pounding, he feels it in his heartbeat, feels it against his skin, but he can’t quite hear it. Jisung takes a deep breath, getting into position. Yukhei grins at him, that signature grin of his that feels reassuring now.

It’s his third cheerdancing competition, the last one before he becomes a senior and based on what they’ve been saying, a candidate for the next leader. His head is just full with numbers, the counting they’ve practiced over and over. He breathes. 

One, two, three, he’s on Guanheng’s shoulders. Four, five, six, he’s moving his right fist from shoulder to shoulder then up. Seven, eight, he prepares to go up again.

For a single moment, he wonders how his family and friends are reacting now. He’s never been a flyer, never been this high up in the pyramid ever. He wonders if they’re in stunned silence or they’re screaming their heads off. Jisung can’t hear it, whichever it is.

At the very top of the pyramid, he does the moves, flashes the audience his biggest smile. This is the highest he’s been in the formations, the highest they’ve dared. All their flyers this year are not their usual ones, and he’s the very center of it all. 

He feels it then, a vibration that isn’t quite their music. Something else, something louder, and when Jisung goes down, down into the secure arms of his teammates, his mind registers that it’s cheering.

◑

The trophy looks quite hefty. Even with how big Yukhei is, he’s still having an issue carrying it, especially with everyone jumping around and celebrating.

They’ve won. Jisung feels like his heart will beat right out of his chest. It’s a blur of confetti and cheers and their maroon outfits. 

When they settle down a bit for the university anthem, Jisung can just make out the row of seats where his friends and family are. They’re still holding the banner made for him, and Jisung thinks he sees them hugging each other.

◑

His mom gets to him first. He’s swept into a crushing hug, soon into a tighter one when his dad and brother join. Jisung is pretty sure he’s getting makeup and glitter all over them, but he knows they don’t care.

It feels like hours before they let go, and everyone else comes rushing in. A laughing breath is knocked out of him, and he can’t even distinguish the clump of people embracing him in every possible way.

Breaking away, everyone just starts talking excitedly, about their routine, about what he did, about their win. Jisung smiles at them, because it’s the only thing he can really get himself to do right now, after the adrenaline has settled down.

Renjun is still clinging to him, holding onto his waist securely. Jisung can feel his pounding heartbeat against his arm, and the way he nods when everyone praises Jisung.

His teammates are in the hallway, meeting up with their families and friends, taking all the photos and passing the trophy around. He knows that Coach Kim is somewhere talking to the press, probably beaming with pride. It feels great, even in this sticky, sweat-smelling hallway.

Unfortunately, Chaeryeong seems to be right. He has been approached by a good handful of people so far, asking him for photos. One even asked for a signature. Donghyuck and Chenle are having the time of their lives laughing at how flustered he gets whenever someone asks him to take photos with them.

“Our Jisung’s got fans, huh?” Renjun says, pulling him into a hug again. “You kids grow up so fast…”

“Hyung.” He tries to hide the rising blush on his cheeks.

Somebody claps him on his other shoulder, and when he turns, it’s Yukhei. It stops Donghyuck from raving on about the formations, and everyone says their congratulations to the team leader.

Smiling from ear to ear, Yukhei says, “Ah, thank you! But I’m here to give the trophy to the true star of the performance, our Jisung.”

The trophy is handed over to him, gleaming in the shitty lights of the building. Jisung registers everyone whooping, and Renjun pushing him a little to get it.

It feels nice and solid in his hands, a little lighter than he thought it would be. The cheers get louder, and he can’t help the grin that spreads across his features.

“Hyung–”

“You deserve to hold it, Jisung. As our star,” Yukhei’s smile grows wider, “and as the future captain.”

That gets all sorts of confused and surprised noises from his group, prominently Chenle’s “What?” ringing loud and clear. It’s all a mess of “wait why didn’t you tell us” and “captain?” and “can you please repeat that–” from all nine people in the group.

Yukhei chuckles, swinging an arm around Jisung’s shoulders. “He didn’t tell you? He’s a candidate for becoming the captain next year, and if you’d ask me, he’s most likely going to win.”

For a moment, they’re all just gaping at him, right before erupting into another round of excited screaming. It’s Jaemin that gets to him first this time, embracing him and lifting him off his feet.

“Our Jisungie’s going to become a captain!” he shouts, and everyone echoes his joy.

Once he’s set down, everyone seems to be scrambling for photos with him. First dibs go to his family first, of course. Jaemin alternates between his three cameras, while Jeno and Mark hold the various cellphones and tablets to take their photos.

About a thousand photos with his family later, Mark excitedly goes up beside Jisung, saying that he wants to take photos next. He’s pulled back by Renjun though, saying that Chenle has to go first.

Chenle is suddenly next to him, flushed from the heat and excitement. They turn to face the cameras, and Jisung sees Jaemin frown behind his.

“Lele, a little closer,” he says, using his hand to gesture.

Taking a step, Chenle does get closer, although there’s still a bit of space between them.

“Hey, it’s like you’re not best friends!” Jeno yells at them.

At that, Chenle reaches an arm out and holds onto Jisung’s waist, pulling him in closer. Jisung is surprised at this, gaping a little at his best friend before Chenle reminds him to face the camera.

There are clicks from everywhere, and Jisung isn’t sure what his smile looks like. All he knows is Chenle holding him close, and his own heart doing flips in his chest.

When it’s done, Chenle smiles at him, bright as usual, but something is different. Jisung barely has the time to figure out what it is when Chenle’s squeezing his arm, saying, “Congrats, Jisung-ah. I have to leave, sorry.”

Jisung says it’s okay, of course it is. Chenle gives him one last squeeze, and leaves.

Just before Renjun’s turn, Jaemin shows him their polaroid. They look happy together, with their matching grins and Chenle pressed right up to him.

It’s good that his tightening grip on the trophy wasn’t obvious.

◑

**[big head #1]** **  
** heyyy  
wanna go get lunch at area 2 tmrw?  
i’ll treat u!  
also i’ll give u our polaroid  
it’s cute

◑

**[big head #1]** **  
** ur classmate said you didn’t go to class  
i didn’t know u were sick  
should i come over?  
i can try to bring soup or smth

◑

**[big head #1]** **  
** been a long week  
do u wanna get milktea?

◑

**[big head #1]**  
lele  
is everything ok?

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** yup

◑

Jisung isn’t sure how long he’s been staring at the last message. He reads it over and over, like there’s something he missed somehow in that single-word reply. 

A part of him knows that he should try again, ask again. Clearly, something had gone wrong somewhere. He wasn’t going to jump to conclusions, but not knowing what the matter was isn’t doing him great. Jisung knew that whatever it was, he should try to help with it somehow.

But a part of him also says that Chenle needs his space. Whatever it is, whatever happened, he didn’t want to pressure his best friend into speaking. Chenle would come to him with it when he was ready, whenever that was. He’d tell Jisung about it, and Jisung would listen. If it was somehow his doing, he’d try to make up for it. If not, he could try to do something about it, whatever that may be.

And really, people need the space. Even best friends. There were any number of reasons Chenle wasn’t replying. He understood that.

Still. He keeps staring at the message,

“Hey.” His brother nudges him. “I called you here to help me prepare dinner, but you’re just on your phone.”

Quickly, Jisung puts his phone down on the kitchen island, just by the fruit bowl. “Sorry, hyung.”

Instead of telling him what he’s supposed to do like Jisung expects, his brother slows down his cutting of vegetables to look at him. Jisung doesn’t like it when he looks at him like that. It’s the something’s-up-and-I-don’t-know-about-it look.

“Are you gonna tell me?” Jisung watches as his brother manages to cut the squash into small cubes. “Do I have to punch a professor or something?”

“What? No, hyung. Oh my god, no.”

His brother shrugs. “Just checking. What is it then?”

Leaning against the kitchen counter, Jisung takes a deep breath. From where he’s standing, he can see all the photos on their fridge. From trips, graduations, birthday parties. One of those was taken on his 18th, Chenle smearing icing on his face.

He turns to his brother. “What if...what if you have this person, and this person matters a lot to you. And, um, out of the blue, they just don’t talk anymore? You know, it seems like they’re avoiding you.”

Stopping in his food prep, Jiho looks at him. Jisung can feel his gaze sweep up and down his face. “Did you have a falling out, Jisung?”

Jisung shakes his head. His brother has him get the thawed out meat from the fridge, and he follows, setting the bowl gently on the counter. 

“What happened then?”

“Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing happened, and yet.”

He shakes his head. This is stupid. He’s overreacting. There was, again, a perfectly good reason why this was happening. After all, it was Chenle’s final year in university. The stress must be getting to him, as well as the likely pile of requirements. It would make sense for him not to be as available anymore.

But a tiny, tiny part of him is asking, “Why can’t he just say so?”

Beside him, his brother is slicing the meat into small pieces as well. Jisung is aware that he’s not really helping at all, but he knows that his brother will tell him what to do if needed. He feels a little guilty, though. His brother did call him here to help, and he’s doing everything but.

Looking up at him, Jiho raises a brow. “This person really matters?”

Yes. This person matters, in ways that Jisung can’t even truly explain, not to others, not to himself.

He nods in reply. His brother sighs.

“If they matter, and I know there’s a reason that they do, well, I think you should ask.”

Jisung shifts his weight to his other foot. “I’ve asked, hyung.”

“Try again.” Jiho transfers the slices of meat into a bowl. “If they matter, don’t give up on them. Okay, fine, they’ll need time, but if you stop trying, they’ll think that you don’t want this anymore, that they don’t have a place in your life that they can go back to.”

Biting the inside of his cheek, Jisung nods. His brother had a point. He can’t just give up, even when it’s hard. _Especially_ when it’s hard.

Finally, his brother has him do something, and Jisung promises to try his best.

◑

He sees Chenle for the first time in more than a week right after one of his finals. 

Actually, he didn’t even expect it. Jisung had been walking to the jeepney stop so that he could get a ride to Krus Na Ligas when he saw Chenle, also waiting for a jeep. Chenle looked surprised to see him, but waved him over anyways.

They ended up not getting on a jeep. Through some walking, they get to one of the benches at the edge of the Sunken Garden. Plopping their bags down, they sit on the bench, elbow to elbow practically.

Jisung knows that he’s supposed to ask now. It’s a great opportunity, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get a chance again. He should ask what’s going on, how he can help or just what he can do. Jisung knows he should.

The thing is, he can’t find it in himself to ask. He’s almost always waited, because he never wanted to force it out of them. It’s even harder now, when Chenle is beside him, his hair not so fluorescent anymore, and his smile hesitant.

All Jisung wants to do is to reach out to him, hold his hand or something. But they don’t do that, not really. Jisung folds his hands together.

It takes a while before either of them talk. Sure, there’s a lot to talk about now, like how Jisung has found articles about him, how he’s conked his head quite a few times when he gets out of jeeps in the past week, how his dad has taken to whole wheat everything for some reason. He has so many to say, so many things he wants to bring up, but it doesn’t feel like the time.

And really, he does want to get back to how they usually are. They did that every now and then, starting right where they left off. It just came naturally, and Jisung didn’t worry about it anymore. However, it feels different now, like something’s truly shifted. He doesn’t know if he should be scared.

It’s Chenle who breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. His eyes aren’t looking at Jisung.

Jisung is tempted to nudge at him. He doesn’t. “Tell me what happened. Did I do something wrong?”

His best friend huffs out a laugh. “You usually say it’s okay when I apologize.” He shakes his head.

He’s right. Jisung does do that. Looking down at his hands, Jisung doesn’t respond.

“I deserve that, though.” Chenle lets out a sigh. “Again, I’m sorry.”

It’s the middle of the day, and there’s people everywhere. Walking along Sunken Garden, in jeeps and cars, coming in and out of buildings. Everyone has somewhere to be, something to do, all these sounds and voices melding together. And yet, Jisung and Chenle stay quiet, in their little pocket of space.

“Just...” Jisung begins softly. “Just tell me what happened. I want to understand.”

Watching as Chenle takes in a deep breath, Jisung thinks about how he’s probably not prepared for whatever the answer is. Still, he wants to know. He doesn’t like this complete silence anymore.

Chenle looks him in the eye, nervous. Jisung can’t tear his gaze away if he tried.

His best friend breaks the eye contact though, unlocking his phone and searching through it. Within moments, he turns the screen towards Jisung.

For a moment, Jisung doesn’t know what he’s looking at. It’s a photo, obviously from one of many movements done this year. At the forefront of the image is the editor-in-chief of one of the publications, familiar to him now that he’s seen her attend these movements and speak at them usually. He hasn’t seen the photo before, but it has that same vibe that the photographers of the main campus pub usually have with their photos. 

Then, he sees why Chenle’s showing it to him. There, just probably a few paces behind the editor-in-chief is Chenle, one hand raising a sign. It’s unmistakable. His whole face is in view, his then-platinum hair, the bracelets on his wrist.

Jisung feels like his lungs are robbed of air, even as he tries to force himself to breathe. There, very clearly photographed, is his best friend, attending a protest. Which really, wouldn’t be a problem, if Chenle didn’t have the family that he did.

“Chenle…”

“They saw.” He nods, and Jisung can almost hear how shaky his voice is. “I didn’t even know of this picture. I didn’t know it would be posted. And they saw.”

He feels his stomach twist. That couldn’t possibly be good.

“What...what did they say?”

Jisung already has a feeling, and it’s not great. They have shown their distaste about Chenle participating in that sort of thing from the get-go, and he doubts they’ve changed.

The sad, far-away look Chenle has is telling enough.

His best friend still tries to power through it, swallowing what just might be a lump in his throat. “They called me right away. Said I’ve disappointed them, that I’ve wasted my years here by going out on the streets and fighting for basic human rights.” Jisung can tell that his voice is breaking. Chenle doesn’t cry in front of anyone. “They said that’s the only thing I learned here, and they should’ve just enrolled me somewhere else.”

Jisung doesn’t know what to say. He’s long known that Chenle’s parents had closed minds on matters like this. His best friend has tried to explain to them, get them to understand why movements like that were important, but they only told him to keep quiet or he’d never be allowed to do pretty much anything anymore. Chenle didn’t like fighting them, even though he could. It was just too draining, and it was no use trying to argue with people that didn’t listen.

It’s difficult. When everyone was just so divided in their opinions about the administration and what was happening, it was hard to agree with so many people’s views. Family members have been estranged because of how they spoke up against their relatives’ choice to support the government, long-time friendships have ended. Hell, it’s difficult to have professors in their classes who agree with the things that were happening when so many of the students fought against them.

“That’s why…” He doesn’t finish the sentence.

Chenle nods. “Yeah. That’s why I couldn’t stay after your competition. Why I can barely go out anymore, because they think I’m gonna go to a protest again. And I just...I just want to live my life. I want to not be told that I’m useless and stupid for doing that, for going against their views. I have worked my ass off here, and they don’t even see that because all they see is that I went against their rules. Like I should just follow them blindly the way that they follow the rules of this admin.”

Red in the face, Chenle looks like he’s moments away from exploding. “I feel so trapped, and frustrated, and angry. And when I graduate, I know they’ll trap me again. Because they think they’re the only ones that are right and I’m too young to understand. People are _dying._ I don’t need to be above 40 to understand that, and yet they don’t understand at all.”

When he slumps, Jisung sees how his shoulders seem so defeated, so exhausted. He wishes he can take it away.

“I’m sorry,” Chenle says again. His gaze is downcast, his fingers twist together. “I wanted to be there for you, I want to come with you to places, but I just…”

Jisung rests a hand on Chenle’s knee, tentatively. He squeezes it. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“I could’ve still tried–”

“Lele, it’s not easy.” He tries to see his best friend’s face, but Chenle keeps his head down. “They were going to take away even more if you didn’t follow. I know you would’ve fought, I know.”

 _But it’s not worth it when they don’t give you a chance,_ Jisung doesn’t say. He reaches his other hand out slowly, cupping the side of Chenle’s head.

It’s a hard decision, especially with them being his family and them being the reason he can even be here, even have food to eat and somewhere to stay. Not everyone has a choice.

But Chenle has the choice to not be like them, to not follow their beliefs, and he chose that. That matters.

“I don’t blame you, at all.” He traces the shell of an ear with his thumb. “Please tell me about things like this, okay? I don’t know how much I can do, Lele, but I at least want you to know you’ll never be alone.”

Chenle looks up then. His eyes are glassy, and Jisung isn’t sure if he did actually cry. But he’s trying his best to smile, no matter how strained it is.

“Thank you,” Chenle breathes out. “Thank you.”

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** wanna go to the lantern parade?  
I can sneak that one in before I have to leave

 **[big head #1]** **  
** of course  
let’s go

◑

Jisung zips up his hoodie. He hadn’t quite expected that it’d be this cold today, and he regrets wearing shorts to the lantern parade all of a sudden. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, Jisung tries to keep warm.

He’s the first here at the place where they agreed to meet. All the hyungs are coming too, but they had either finals to take today or requirements to pass, so Jisung has to wait for a bit more. He doesn’t mind; Chenle’s already texted him that he’s on his way.

The next one to arrive is actually Jeno. He’s still in his button-down and pants, but his own hoodie is thrown over it. He’s brought some pizza slices in a tupperware container from their Christmas party at the office, and he graces Jisung with one. Jisung grins at him as he takes a bite.

Chenle arrives soon after, a little winded. He had a few things to pass to his professors, so Jisung guesses he’s been from room to room if not from building to building. Jisung offers him a bite of the slightly cold pepperoni pizza.

The others arrive at almost the same time, Donghyuck coming right up to Jeno and nestling into his arms. Jisung offers Chenle another bite.

“Nawa’y lahat,” Chenle mutters under his breath, and it makes Jisung snicker.

They all cluster together, waiting for the floats to come their way. As always, there’s a good number of people today, here for the parade. Jaemin already has his camera out, first snapping a few photos of them as they wait.

The theme for this year was police brutality. Attacks had gotten worse in several countries, and even with all the movements and the pleas, the police still march on.

Over the course of the year, people have had less and less trust for the police. What with brutality of all forms, as well as cover-ups that have never been investigated. The innocent lives they’ve taken, for no other real reason than speculation, false accusations, and just for their numbers to look good. Their motto was to serve and protect, and yet they are the ones that endanger people.

Any day, any one of them could be arrested for no actual reason. Any day, they’re in danger of being shot down by a police officer even if they’ve done nothing wrong. It was the terrifying reality.

Earlier in the year, there was a flag displayed in Palma Hall. The red part was made of bloodied rags, while the blue was made of police uniforms. Jisung doesn’t think he’ll forget that exhibit any time soon.

And even as all the floats are expertly made, all of them impressive, and they all take dozens of photos, he can’t deny that they stir up a lot of emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, determination, frustration, despair. What happened to the victims was sick and twisted, and it would take a while for them to get justice, if they ever do.

Jisung prays they do.

Later in the night, once a good number of the floats have already passed, Chenle leans into Jisung. Automatically, one of Jisung’s hands comes up to hold him, just in case.

“Do you wanna go home?”

Chenle hums, bites his lip. “No, here is okay.”

“You sure?” 

“I am.” He nods as if to punctuate his point.

When all the floats have passed by, Donghyuck and Jeno suggest they get dinner, as sort of their Christmas dinner together as a group. They all agree.

While walking towards the mall, Jisung feels his hand bump into Chenle’s every now and then. Chenle doesn’t really react, nor does he pull his hand away. He just lets Jisung’s hand bump into his.

They have dinner at a pizza place, Jaemin’s camera being passed around as they look at all the photos while everyone talks about their plans for the holidays. It seems to be a consensus that everyone just wanted to sleep, and barely cared much about the festivities. It’s truly that time of their lives.

After dinner, they separate, saying “Merry Christmas” to each other before going their own ways. Chenle goes with Jisung, because they can both take a ride together.

It’s even colder now, but Jisung barely feels it. Chenle stays by his side, walking to where they can get a ride, sitting beside him, crossing the footbridge together. It’s enough.

In the dark of the UV Express, Jisung takes out his hands out of his pockets, grateful that the inside of the vehicle feels warmer than outside. Chenle knocks his knuckles against his. “Wanna hold hands?”

That’s a request he rarely hears from his best friend. It’s not even a weird thing, really, but he just doesn’t hear it.

Jisung knows that they have reasons. They’d lean against each other, nudge with feet and elbows and knees. Chenle would hug him frequently, but the hand holding. It doesn’t come as naturally with them.

He sees his best friend raising an eyebrow in question.

“I mean, we’re not the holding-hands type,” he explains, shrugging a little.

For a second, Chenle looks at Jisung’s hands, folded neatly in his lap. Then, he looks into Jisung’s face, expression unreadable.

“It’s not like it’s gonna hurt, right?” Chenle jokes. Jisung silently notes that his giggle is not how it usually is. 

A hand is reached out, and Jisung stares at it. Puts his own in his after a heartbeat.

“No,” he says. “It won’t hurt.”

But it does. It does hurt, and he doesn’t have it in him to say it.

◑

He’s just put back another ornament back on the tree when he hears his phone ring. Jisung gets off of the sofa, reaching towards the coffee table to retrieve his phone. He sees that the caller is Chenle, and it looks like he wants to do a videocall.

Answering it, he leans back against the cushions. It takes a while to connect because they kind of have shitty WiFi, so he waits a few moments. Then, he sees his best friend, looking like he’s just straight out of bed.

“Did you just wake up?” he asks.

Chenle yawns. _“Hi to you too.”_

The camera moves, and Jisung thinks that Chenle is sitting up. He watches as he adjusts himself against his headboard. Jisung can just see the edge of a band poster Chenle had put up above his bed.

“Why’d you call?” Jisung can see his own mother walk past, probably already knowing exactly who he’s talking to. “You’re usually asleep at this time when you don’t have class.”

His best friend huffs out a laugh. _“Can’t I miss seeing my best friend?”_

“You said you were getting tired of my face.”

When Chenle smiles, it’s almost cat-like. _“Doesn’t mean I can’t miss you.”_

Jisung scrunches his face at him. 

Chenle liked the videocalls. He explained that they made it easier for him to talk once he sees the person, and he feels like the conversation would be wasted if they didn’t see his expressions. It added to the experience, he said. Jisung just went with it. 

He asks how he’s doing. It’s been about a week since they last saw each other, and Chenle hasn’t really been able to reply all that much because he’s entertaining all of the family members that came to their house for the holidays. Usually, Chenle would be helping in the kitchen if he wasn’t playing with all his younger cousins. Other times, he’d willingly get the mic for the karaoke machine and sing for them so he can get some Christmas money. That was a typical Christmas in the Zhong household for his best friend.

There’s the sound of rustling, like Chenle’s adjusting himself in bed again. _“I’ve called around 20 places for the perfect Christmas ham. That’s how I’m doing. Honestly, I’m gonna go to the grocery tomorrow and get one from the freezer section and try to dress it up.”_

That makes Jisung snort. Chenle is doing pretty okay, then.

_“How about you? How’s the Christmas tree?”_

He casts a glance at the tree, a purple one because his dad suddenly took a liking to the color. “Uh. Purple.”

Chenle makes a face. _“Purple?”_

Jisung turns the camera to the tree in all its purple glory. He hears Chenle start to laugh.

_“Why is it purple?”_

“You know my dad.” He turns the camera back to him. “He was in a purple mood.”

Shaking his head, Chenle says, _“And the dessert themed decor? I’m not judging it, it’s just so different from last year’s theme of toy cars.”_

With a finger, Jisung gently pokes at a plastic donut. “Mom picked out the decor. We almost went with an under-the-sea theme this year, but they started arguing about that because seas aren’t purple. Mom ended the argument by saying ube is purple and it’s a dessert therefore…” He pans the camera to the tree again, waves a hand at it.

Laughing again, Chenle remarks, _“Christmas is such a weird time.”_

“Oh, you haven’t seen my Uncle Josh yet.”

It is nice to be able to see and hear Chenle. The week of sleeping in has seemed to help a lot, Chenle looks so much more like pre-senior year him. It’s good.

In the middle of Jisung explaining that he’s been asked to make a dance routine for him and his cousins for the upcoming family reunion, his brother comes into the living room, plopping down on the couch beside him. He gets into frame, and Jisung has to hold out his phone a bit farther so that both their faces can be seen.

 _“Oh, hi hyung!”_ Chenle greets, straightening himself up. Jiho laughs at this.

“Hey, no need to be formal with me, Lele. I’ve seen you drool in your sleep.” His hand reaches out to adjust the phone so that it’s tilted more towards him.

Jisung turns it back to himself. “Can’t believe my own brother is trying to hog this videocall.”

His brother turns it back to face him. “Duh. I’m Lele’s favorite Park brother, aren’t I?”

With a chuckle, Chenle nods. When Jisung pouts at him, he raises his hands.

_“I mean...he’s not wrong…”_

“I am ending this call.”

If Chenle were here with him, he knows he would be punched in the arm right about now. _“Of course you’re my fave. Jiho hyung hasn’t made me a keychain yet.”_

Sticking a tongue out at his brother, Jisung feels his lips curl up into a triumphant smile. Jiho only rolls his eyes at him, but he’s smiling too.

“Guess I have to learn how to make keychains,” he tells Chenle. “How are your holidays so far?”

On the other end, Jisung hears Chenle sigh. _“Pretty okay. Lots to do, and I don’t really like most people here, so yeah.”_

The smile on Jiho’s face mellows. Jisung knows that if Chenle were here, his brother would have patted him affectionately on the head. “Sorry to hear that. Jisungie and I are willing to adopt you for Christmas next year, if you’d like. We can even try to bake brownies together!”

That makes his best friend brighten up, even just a bit. _“Hyung, you remember the last time we tried to make brownies right?”_

“Yes, we almost set the house on fire, but we can try again!”

Chenle’s laughter rings clear, even all that distance apart and with the shitty WiFi in the Park home. Jisung has missed hearing that.

_“Okay, you sold me on the idea. I can’t convince my parents you two haven’t suddenly kidnapped me though.”_

Jiho jabs a thumb in Jisung’s direction. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of that.”

Some random stories about their relatives later, Jisung’s brother leaves the couch and the conversation, saying that he needs to make a supermarket run because they don’t have enough canned fruit for the fruit salad. Both Jisung and Chenle say bye to him. Jisung can now talk to his best friend in peace.

Lying down on the sofa, he holds his phone a little closer. “Sorry, he just doesn’t stop talking.”

When Chenle smiles, it’s full of all the knowledge in the world. _“As if you don’t do that too.”_

Jisung scrunches his nose. “At least I don’t up and show you his baby photos!”

His best friend grins even wider. _“You’re a cute baby, Jisung.”_

“Were?”

_“No, you still are. Cute and a baby.”_

“This call is just you teasing me.”

Chenle’s chuckle is soft and muted from the other end. _“Maybe. Merry Christmas, Jisung-ah.”_

Jisung takes one last look at his best friend, the faded purple hair and the pajamas and the way his cheeks make his eyes nearly disappear when he grins.

“Merry Christmas, Chenle.”

◑

Jisung is currently at the little kid’s table, his mother shoving a face towel down his shirt. He’s sure his brother is somewhere taking photos of this moment, wherein he, Park Jisung, 20 years of age, is being treated like a sweaty five-year-old.

They’ve just finished the dance performance they had prepared for the annual reunion. Promptly after he got off the stage, his mother came to him with a face towel and baby powder, and now he’s here.

He’s thinking about how he’ll lead everyone into a family bonding activity in the form of zumba later when his phone vibrates in his pocket. His mom asks him who it is, and he doesn’t answer until he’s pulled his phone out.

Chenle. Jisung tells her that, and she only hums and goes back to fussing over him. He swipes the answer button, and holds his phone up to his ear.

“Lele?”

 _“‘Sung-ah.”_ The voice is a little garbled, probably because the place Jisung’s at is pretty high up and doesn’t have the best signal. _“I just called like this because I didn’t know if you had enough data for a videocall.”_

His mouth breaks into a smile. “Why’d you call? It’s not the New Year yet.”

_“Oh, uh. I might not be able to call you then.”_

Jisung furrows his brows. At the side, he sees his brother still trying to take photos, and he tries to cover his face.

“Why?” He feels a little lump lodged in his throat, but he swallows it down.

 _“I’ll be busy.”_ He can hear the twinge of sadness in his best friend’s voice. _“You know how it is.”_

He nods even though he can’t be seen. “Okay. That’s fine.”

There’s hesitance on the other end of the line. He can almost imagine Chenle chewing on his bottom lip, trying to think of what to say. 

_“I just...wanted to talk to you. Before the year ends, y’know.”_

Jisung hadn’t even asked, but he knows Chenle knows he would have. Jisung thinks that he doesn’t even have to give an explanation, anyways.

His mom lets him go finally, patting him on the back. It’s her signal to mean that he’s fine to leave, and that she knows exactly who it is he’s talking to. Jisung is silently grateful.

“Okay.” He steps away from the table, away from his relatives, and out into the little patch of garden. There’s no one here really, which is a relief. “We can talk.”

Even though the signal isn’t the best, he thinks he can hear the sounds of a party through the phone. Chenle seems to be just outside it too.

“Is that a party?”

Chenle hums into the phone. _“It’s my aunt’s birthday.”_

“Happy birthday to her.”

 _“I’ll tell her.”_ He thinks he can hear him smile. _“You wanna talk about my aunt?”_

That makes Jisung snort. “Well, you weren’t saying anything!”

A little sigh comes from the other end. _“Fair enough. Honestly, I just needed to hear your voice. I’m tired of all the other ones here.”_

Bless the universe and Chenle didn’t choose to do a videocall now. Jisung knows his blush could probably be seen even in the relative darkness. 

“If you keep saying that I might just send you voice messages of me making insect noises.” He’s surprised his voice doesn’t shake.

He hears a chuckle. _“I don’t know if I should think that’s romantic or just plain weird.”_

“It can be both!”

_“I’ve decided on it just being plain weird.”_

“What, you think I can’t be romantic?”

_“You think sending me insect noises is romantic?”_

He shrugs. “I’m never romancing you, ever.”

_“Opportunity lost.”_

Before he can think too much about what Chenle has just said, he tries to think of something else to say. He scans the surroundings, but all he sees are the trees and the neighboring houses and the cars lining the street. What was there to say, anyways?

 _“Jisung-ah.”_ His best friend’s voice brings him back. _“You’re thinking, aren’t you?”_

“Yeah.” He kicks around a stray pebble. 

_“About what?”_

“About…” 

Sighing, he looks up at the sky. Barely any stars, considering the light pollution in the city. He does see the moon though, just peeking enough through the clouds. It somehow doesn’t feel like the year was going to end in a couple of days. Tonight feels like any other night.

“A lot of things,” he says finally. “I’m thinking about a lot of things.”

_“Like what?”_

With a deep breath, he casts his gaze down, back to the pebble near his feet. “Like. How this year felt like forever but now I can’t even believe it’s almost done.”

 _“Time is like that. It doesn’t feel real sometimes.”_ There’s a hum on the other end, and he barely catches it. _“Another year. I don’t feel too excited about it. Maybe that’s what happens when you turn 21.”_

“Now I don’t want to turn 21.”

Chenle laughs. _“But you will. It’s not too bad, I promise. You’ll just appreciate Christmas money and sleep even more than you do now.”_

“Thanks for the advice.”

He looks back at the party. Jisung can just make out his uncle’s voice making a speech about them being all together here through the shitty speakers. His relatives might be looking for him at this point, but he knows his mom or his brother will most likely cover for him.

_“Do you have any resolutions?”_

Jisung scoffs. “I thought you don’t do resolutions.”

_“Well, I don’t. But you do.”_

Looking back up at the sky, and how the moon isn’t so covered with clouds now, Jisung considers the question. He hasn’t really thought about his resolutions yet. Mostly because he just hasn’t had the time, but also because he doesn’t really know what to put.

The year had been pretty good, all things considered. Not the best still, but not horrible. He kind of wanted to spend a little less on milktea maybe. Or he wishes that he hadn’t taken that Soc Sci 2 class. Overall, though, not many regrets.

When he doesn’t answer for a while, Chenle talks again. _“If you don’t have one yet, I have one.”_

That surprises a laugh out of him. “Never expected that from you,” he teases.

_“Shut up. It won’t hurt to get a little out of character.”_

Jisung smiles, because Chenle can’t see it.

 _“I want to be more honest with myself this year.”_ Jisung raises a brow, but says nothing. _“That’s like. The very least I can do for myself.”_

Sighing softly, Jisung silently agrees. That was something he felt like he needed to do too.

_“Now, how about you? Got one already?”_

He nods to himself. “Same as yours. I haven’t...been honest with myself at all.”

 _“Ah, we do have the same braincells, huh?”_ Jisung can imagine Chenle slapping his arm with the back of his hand if he were here. _“We should really stop lying to ourselves this coming year.”_

Jisung takes one last glance upon the sky. There’s just one star, a single one that he can see.

“Yeah.” He nods, corner of his mouth tilting up. “We really should.”

◑

Enrollment season has never been Jisung's favorite time. It was a few days after the New Year, and he's faced with the fact that he has to line up for his classes and he'll have to be able to adjust his body clock again soon. He comes to uni early, and there's already a pretty long line when he gets there.

Sitting down on one of the benches outside of his building, Jisung opens up his messages. Undoubtedly, everyone else had come earlier than him, but they all had the same predicament: waiting for their adviser to arrive, figuring out how many units they're supposed to take, what classes they still need to get. The first he messages is Renjun, who undoubtedly is one of the first to arrive at school.

 **[bunso]**  
hyuuuuung  
are u here already

 **[junnie hyung]**  
yes  
i'm done actually, just waiting for my forms now

 **[bunso]** **  
** you're quick :((((

 **[junnie hyung]**  
yeah that's because i only have three classes left  
hbu  
how u doing over there

 **[bunso]**  
maybe about 20 ppl away  
i think i'm supposed to have 18 units this sem?  
not sure anymore

 **[junnie hyung]**  
well good luck with that  
come here once you're done okay

 **[bunso]**  
yes yes

Their college building has long been the designated hang out space even though most of them aren't even from that college. It's comfy, the open layout gives them a lot of cold air, there are outlets everywhere, and every now and then somebody would offer you to taste different ice creams for a project. It was so much better than Jisung's stuffy building.

He looks at the line that stretches out before him. It's gonna be a while before he can even think about going to his Renjun hyung's building.

While in the line, he sees a lot of familiar faces. Classmates, former classmates, his orgmates. They either wave or linger for a bit to talk, or even bemoan to him about not getting anything during the pre-enlistment. Some of them ask if he has an extra ballpen they can borrow for a bit, to which he answers he doesn't, because he was hoping he could also borrow a ballpen from someone. Just usual enrollment things.

Yukhei arrives around a half hour after him. Jisung is still in the spot he was in when he got here, so Yukhei has not missed much. For his course, he just has to sign up and wait, so there's no line for him to be in. And that brings him to sit beside Jisung on the worn stone benches.

"How many units did you get?" Yukhei asks. He sips his iced McDo coffee, and then frowns at it right after.

Jisung pulls out his phone, logs into his account. Actually, he's forgotten how many he got, all he knows is that he got units, somehow. Better than nothing, definitely. Better than what he would've expected now that he's in his third year and very much not having priority status anymore.

"Uh, fifteen."

Yukhei makes a toasting gesture with his iced coffee. "Good for you. I'm literally one unit away from my minimum for this sem." He makes a face. Jisung grimaces.

He toys with the drawstrings on his pants. "Aren't you supposed to have priority status again? You're in your senior year."

Shaking his head, Yukhei takes a long sip of his drink. "It's my fourth year, not my graduating year. They prioritize those that are graduating."

It's easy to hear the disdain in his hyung's voice. As much as people say it's hard to get into their uni, it's even harder to get out of it. Most were delayed about a sem to a year, probably a little more. Which meant having to put up with all the shitty systems for a bit longer.

Yukhei bumps shoulders with him, ever so gently. "Graduating is a scam though." He sighs, shrugs. "You get a paper and maybe a title, but most people don't even get a job right away."

Jisung stares at the gravel under his shoes. "What job would you want, hyung? Like, really want."

For a few seconds, Yukhei thinks about it. He looks at the drink in his hands, the little patches of grass by the walkway, the seemingly-never-moving line for enrollment. Yukhei purses his lips.

"It'd be great if I got to become a physical therapist." He nods, but it seems like it's mostly to himself. "Help other people, get them back to their lives and what they want to do. Physical therapy is so important, yet often overlooked."

He looks up at Yukhei. This was the captain of the pep squad, and he plays around and he has fun with them, but he also cares so very deeply. Jisung knows this.

"Is it...because of us?"

The corners of Yukhei's mouth tilts up. He grants Jisung a small nod. "Yeah. Our routines are gruelling, and we go through so much training and practice. Things can go wrong, it's a reality we have to face, right? And as much as it's fun to perform, our bodies aren't always ready for what we put them through. We can never accurately predict when something might go wrong. Once something goes wrong in what we do, it's sometimes difficult to get back to how it used to be."

It was risky, what they did. The stunts, the constant strain they put their body through. Even the athletes long in their field could suffer injuries that they don't foresee. And they're risking quite a lot, doing what they do, doing what they love.

"It's not just you, though. Don't feel too special." Yukhei makes a small punch against his arm, and he's grinning now. "But really, I want to help as many people as I can. Give back, because for years I've just been taking and taking help from so many different people. I think they'd be proud if I am able to pay it forward and make the lives of other people better too."

Jisung smiles. It was good to have someone who cares in a world that so clearly doesn't. He has no doubt in his mind that nothing will ever diminish their captain's light. 

Finally, the line moves somewhat, and Yukhei still stays with him. Jisung doesn't mind at all.

◑

Best friend privilege was Chenle posting 7 consecutive throwback photos of Jisung on his birthday while the others were allowed a maximum of two.

“Hey, at least it wasn’t 21 photos!”

Best friend privilege is Jisung threatening to tackle Chenle to the ground on his birthday.

Now, birthdays for Jisung are just any regular day. He has classes, and an exam even. He wasn’t even driven to uni by his brother, because this year, his birthday fell on a Tuesday, and the car wasn’t allowed to go out on Tuesdays. So, he had to ride the rickety jeep up the treacherous slope of the road that he took when going to uni usually, and he very nearly died when the jeep stopped halfway up that slope and was inching backward.

But he’s fine. While waiting for his first class to start, their groupchat was flooded with all manner of greeting, from Renjun and Jaemin’s video of them talking to the camera as they were walking to their class, to Jeno telling him his officemates greet him, to Mark sending all the cute birthday gifs, to Donghyuck sending a post saying he can legally go to jail now. And of course, Chenle’s midnight posting of Instagram stories with the photos, all with a message on each one. He goes through all the greetings, and it feels nice to smile even with his 8 am class.

Yuna arrives, plopping down into the seat beside him. Her backpack full of all sorts of pins makes a dull thud on the floor. Reaching out a finger, she gently pokes him in the cheek.

“Happy birthday, you.” Her eyes scrunch up just below her growing fringe. “You’re old now.”

Jisung pouts at her. “Just because you’re younger than me–”

“Yeah exactly.” She unzips her bag, takes out her notebook and pencil case. When she turns back to him, her smile is too sweet. “I’ll give you a birthday sticker, you deserve it.”

In the next moment, Jisung finds a hamster sticker stuck onto his cheek.

At lunch, Guanheng treats him to sisig at Area 2, some of their other teammates tagging along and squeezing into the small handful of tables at the stall. They even get him a chocolate shake, and Jisung can’t hide the way he grins when it’s set down in front of him. His teammates even sing the birthday song for him, and although he kinda wants to sink into the ground at the thought that all the people passing by the stall are looking, he appreciates the gesture too.

Then, he has to clap a hand over his Donghyuck hyung’s mouth before he could announce to their whole Speech 30 class that it was his birthday. Donghyuck only licks at his hand so that he can be released, and he tries again.

This time, Jisung does practically tackle his hyung to the ground.

Speech was their last class for the day, so they’re free afterwards. Jisung has to endure his hyung telling all of the friends he meets along the way that it was his birthday. All of them smiled at him and greeted him, a few ruffled his hair affectionately much like Donghyuck did, some of them gave him enthusiastic hi-fives. They go through what feels like a dozen or so of them before they even step out of the building.

They get to the cafe pretty early, and Donghyuck places their order and asks them to serve it a little later. Jisung is on his phone, messaging all the others to ask where they were. Normally, he wouldn’t hurry at all about this, but his family wants him home for dinner at least, and he promised it to them.

Jaemin and Renjun arrive after a few minutes, Renjun sweating a little from getting to the cafe as quick as they can. They slide into seats, and Jaemin slides over a little paper bag to Jisung. With careful fingers, Jisung undoes the tape holding it closed, peering inside before sliding the item out.

It’s a pack of three button pins, tiny and cute. They’re space-themed, one with stars, one with the moon, one with a rocket, all in a cartoon-like style. All of them were definitely going on Jisung’s backpack.

“We’re a little late because we had to buy that from the mall.” Renjun brings out a paper fan he got as a freebie from a milktea shop. He’s still panting a bit. “Thought you’d like those.”

Jisung grins at him. “I love them, hyung. Thank you.”

As he was placing the pins, Jeno arrives with Chenle. There’s a box in Chenle’s hands, and Jisung feels his eyes widen and his jaw drop at the sight.

“Is that a cake?” Jisung asks when Chenle sets it down in front of him.

His best friend nods, dropping his bag into the chair. He runs a hand through his windswept locks of faded purple. “Not a birthday without cake, right?”

“You didn’t have to–”

Chenle makes a gesture with his hand as he sits down. “Don’t worry. We all chipped in for it.”

Best friend privilege is Chenle smearing cake icing on his cheeks and nose. Jisung thinks given the chance, he might have considered a cake smash.

And when they’re all taking turns to get photos of him with the icing still on his face, Jisung decides maybe this birthday isn’t quite as regular, and he’s happy.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** tayo na lang ba?

 **[big head #1]** **  
** ha  
wait what

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** tayo na lang ba sa fair**  
they’re busy on the last day

 **[big head #1]** **  
** wait why the last day isn’t that for couples  
AND we’re going on valentine’s day right  
pls i just woke up i do not have braincells yet

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** why not  
I mean  
we do pass for a couple don’t we  
even the hyungs are convinced  
also indulge me pls i want to experience the friday fair just once

 **[big head #1]** **  
** fine fine  
let’s go  
and shouldn’t we be making it obvious we’re not a couple??  
ppl are getting confused

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** eh it has perks **  
** yay!  
I’ll buy the tickets later

◑

As the great Zhong Chenle once said to him, “Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with us.”

He agrees, of course. Jisung has never had any real reason to celebrate the day. It’s not like he has someone to romance, and it’s definitely not a day he can rest at home instead. So, really, what does he have to do with it?

Admittedly though, he’s started to find it cute. Maybe it was the way that everything was pink and red and full of hearts. Maybe it was the way that his Speech prof each gave them a little pack of candy. Or the way his dad tried to cook pancakes for today as a gift to his mom. It was a nice day, all things considered.

Even nicer when Donghyuck gave him a red velvet cupcake, sneaked out from the org that Jeno was in. His hyung held a finger to his lips and made him swear not to tell where he got it as Jisung unwrapped it and took a bite.

Valentine’s Day isn’t too bad, but it still isn’t really for him.

While they were in their groups, Donghyuck nudged at him slightly. “Ready for later?”

Later meant their yearly Valentine’s Day food crawl and fair trip. It was something that the hyungs did even before he got into uni, and he was integrated as soon as he was. They would go through all the different food booths, buy one or two small portions, and everybody gets to taste. If they liked it, they’d come back. They’d eat between the game booths and dancing to whatever song was being played then. Often, that would end in them bloated and too full to move when they would finally settle down, sitting in the grass as the last few in the setlist played.

Although they now had two couples in their group, Valentine’s still wasn’t bound to feel too romantic. It had been the reason why they started the tradition in the first place, to love, to feel loved, no matter if they had a significant other or not. They were each others’ significant others, be it just for the day. It was most likely how Jisung started to like this whole day.

“Yeah!” He runs his thumb over the little rainbow sticker at the back of his I.D. case. It’s from last year’s Pride March in the uni. “I heard they have that stall for the mini donuts again.”

Donghyuck’s mouth parts. “Oh my god, really? Damn, I thought I’d never see that stall again.”

For his hyung, Valentine’s Day was another day for some sort of activity headed by one (or a few) of his orgs. That’s why he’s almost always dressed in pink and white on the day, and why he has a whole bag full of sweets. Jisung doesn’t know if he’s ever seen Donghyuck without this getup on Valentine’s.

Once they’ve finished their task for the day, Donghyuck leans back against the wall. Jisung pokes at his knee.

“What’s it like on Valentine’s as someone who’s taken?” he blurts out. It had been something he had wondered about for a while, but he wasn’t going to admit that. He was just curious.

An eyebrow is raised at him. “Why?” The corners of Donghyuck’s mouth are starting to tug into a grin.

“I’m just, curious, is all.” He averts his gaze to his hands. “I...don’t know what that’s like. It’s not sad or anything, though. I just…”

His hyung nods, makes a gentle smile. “You just wanna know.” 

For a quick moment, Donghyuck looks down at his wrist. Following his gaze, Jisung sees the simple woven bracelet there, one he knows matches with Jeno.

“It’s different, obviously.” Donghyuck plays with the ends of the bracelet. “I mean, when I was single all I did was watch the girls get those big blue paper bags with the stuffed toys. Or, well, I saw people coming in with whole bouquets, and that was in high school. And in college, it was the same, but a little more discreet I guess.”

He looks up, his eyes warm. “Jeno, though.” Donghyuck shakes his head, snickers to himself. “He wasn’t the gift-giving type in high school. But Valentine’s, he’d leave me a handful of Chocnut on the desk, because I love that and he knew. Jeno bought it at the canteen during break with that little coin purse he had on his I.D. lace. He kept doing that, even after we got together. Tradition, I guess?”

“Not much has changed, then.”

Pursing his lips, Donghyuck shrugs. “Yeah, but that’s just for me. Not much changed, because I still spend my Valentine’s with the guy I spent it with when I was single. Although, I do think that after a while, like everything when you’re with someone, it just falls into routine.”

Jisung tugs at his laces, untying them and then tying them a little tighter. “What we do as a group is routine, right?”

Donghyuck reaches over and unties his laces again. “That’s true, but there’s routine just for the two of you. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, because being together is not just about grand things. It’s the little things, like Chocnut on your desk or a sticky note on your notebook. I guess that’s what makes the difference.”

With a nod, Jisung folds his knees up to his chest. He stares at his undone laces. He tries to think of any routine he’s done with anyone during Valentine’s that could be like that, but he doesn’t think they quite add up.

“Is that how you...found out that Jeno hyung was the one?”

A chuckle escapes Donghyuck. Graceful fingers card through his now-long hair, and amusement fills his expression.

“No,” he says with a smile. “It wasn’t. Part of it maybe, but it wasn’t the eureka moment.”

Jisung nods again. With a deep breath, he collects his thoughts. He can feel Donghyuck looking at him. There is a nudge against his knee.

“Don’t think too hard, there.” When Jisung looks up at him, his eyes are full of understanding. “You’ll know when you know. If you figure it out, sometimes it could just be someone that’s just been right there. You just have to realize it.”

His airways twist, just a bit. Donghyuck squeezes his arm.

“But you know, though. You’ve known.” The smile he gives Jisung is tinged with sadness. “You’re not thinking about whether or not you’ve had that moment of realization. You already have.”

Not looking straight at him, Jisung chooses to stare at the windows opposite their spot, filtering sunlight into their room. 

“I…” He shakes his head, clearing it. “It wasn’t–wasn’t a moment.”

At that, his hyung’s smile only grows. He shakes his head too. “No. It’s not a moment. It’s all these moments coming together. All the feelings, all the thoughts you have then, the experiences, the words, they’ll just all come together. And sometimes, you know it, deep inside, but you don’t admit it straight away.”

Tracing a circle into the tiled floor, Jisung takes in a deep breath. Donghyuck is describing it exactly how he went through it, so long ago.

“It’s scary,” he says, finally. Admitting it to himself, and to someone else. It feels strangely hollowing.

“It is. It’s scary when you realize that it’s there, the very real feeling. Scarier when you know in yourself that you’re in deep, and that what you’re feeling can change so many things. Terrifying really.”

Jisung presses his lips together. He is terrified, and he can feel it twisting his heart through the spaces in his ribs. He’s terrified, because although it’s been there for a while, although he’s known for a while, he doesn’t have too much time anymore.

“But hey.” Donghyuck ruffles his hair, an affectionate habit. “It doesn’t have to be scary for long. Tell him, be honest. Not easy, I know, but facing it is better than not knowing what could’ve happened. It’s a lot less scary after that, I promise.”

At his words, Jisung offers a small nod and a smile. He trusts the words, tucks them into a corner in his heart. He can’t promise to do it just yet, but he knows he will. 

◑

On his third try, Chenle wins Jisung another mug.

As they walk away from the booth to rejoin their friends at another booth, Chenle scrunches his face. “That game was rigged.”

Carefully, Jisung places the mug into his backpack, crossing his fingers that it won’t break. He stuffs his jacket in there too, for padding purposes. That should help, right?

“All the games here are rigged somehow, right?” He’s looking around, trying to spot a familiar head of hair anywhere in the crowd. “You said that yourself.”

Chenle crosses his arms with a huff. “Still. It was a waste of 20 pesos.”

They manage to spot Jaemin, the unmistakable blue of his hair in the lights of the booth they’re playing at. It’s one of those punching machines, where they have to punch the padded thing as hard as they can. The others have formed kind of a circle around Jaemin, albeit a safe distance away.

It’s Mark who sees them. He waves them over, and Jisung can see that he’s holding something on a stick.

When they come closer, he realizes it’s one of those potato loops, already half gone. Mark offers him some, and when he refuses, Mark only shrugs. Chenle does take him up on the offer, though, standing next to Jisung while his eyes were glued on Jaemin preparing to punch.

He moves back, draws his elbow back too. In the next moment, his fist makes contact, and the sound is loud even with everything going on around them. There’s a collective sound of awe among their circle and maybe a couple of passersby, and they all huddle in to see his score.

It’s a whopping 923, apparently the highest for the night and smashing the previous highest score. A smile that looks all-too-angelic spreads across his face, right before he’s nearly tackled by an excited Renjun. 

Jeno is up next. They all move back a little bit more for him. As they do, Chenle bumps shoulders with Jisung, signalling to the now-empty stick to say that they should get another one after this.

Apparently, whoever gets the highest score from them will get the biggest prize from the booth. Mark points it out as the humongous blue bear right at the entrance of the stall. Jisung sees Jeno take in a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. Everyone’s cheering for him, even this group just a few steps away that are watching him get ready.

Now, Jeno is arguably the strongest of them all, and is the most likely of any of them to beat Jaemin at this. Jisung has no doubt in his mind that he can win this, but Jaemin’s score was still ridiculously high.

When Jeno punches, Jisung thinks he hears a crack. Not from his friend, no, from the machine. He’s a little scared, yeah. Okay, maybe a lot scared that his hyung just broke a machine at the fair–

They all huddle together to check the score. Beside him, Chenle is elbowing away strangers that want to see too. It takes a few moments and a bit of tiptoeing for them to see.

925\. Pretty much everyone just has their jaws on the floor at this point. There are confused noises going around, but most of them are just in stunned silence. Two damn points apart. Two. Points.

Even the person manning the booth is dumbfounded by it all. They must have not seen this sort of thing before.

Jeno and Jaemin are staring at each other, bewildered. Then, after a few long moments, they burst into laughter. It’s ridiculous, being so close in the scores like that. Everyone in their group starts laughing too.

Slinging an arm around his shoulders, Jaemin leads Jeno to the stall, where he will undoubtedly bargain to get prizes for the both of them. Typical of his Jaemin hyung.

Soon enough, they’re all walking towards the clearance in the grounds to watch the artists play, Renjun and Donghyuck dwarfed by the plushies the two had picked out. A bunny for Jaemin, a puppy for Jeno, both about the length of their boyfriend’s torso up to their knees. Mark stays behind all of them, steadying them as they walk through the slightly muddy grounds.

The artist is already in the middle of their performance, a song that Jisung thinks he’s heard before but can’t quite remember fully. They walk to a dryer patch of the grounds, somewhere they can all possibly stand in without feeling like they’re sinking somehow. 

Chenle offers him his box of barbecue chicken poppers. He eyes the others, the slightest frown forming on his face.

“I should’ve won you a plushie,” he groans.

Jisung bumps shoulders with him. “You don’t have to win me anything.”

The song ends before they know it. The four are still kind of swaying together, like a handful of other couples here too. Mark is talking animatedly to someone he seems to know, and he’s laughing while his drink sloshes dangerously in his paper cup. Chenle and Jisung only eat the chicken, waiting for the next song to start.

The artists say something into the mic, something a little garbled, but maybe it’s just Jisung’s hearing after being in the fair for a while. Still, he kind of gets that they’re dedicating the song to them, maybe to people who are in love, as it is Valentine’s Day after all.

When the song starts, Jisung definitely knows it. A staple everywhere, something everyone has sung at some point. Something everyone has cried to at some point. The beginning instrumental thrums through him, and he allows it.

 _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Naiisip kita_ _  
_ _Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako_ _  
_ _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli_

Beside him, Chenle is singing along softly. He kind of wishes he could hear it a little clearer. Jisung has always loved Chenle’s voice, especially when he sings.

 _Nagtapos ang lahat sa 'di inaasahang pahanon_ _  
_ _At ngayon ako'y i'yong iniwan_ _  
_ _Luhaan, sugatan, 'di mapakinabangan_ _  
_ _Sana'y nagtanong ka lang_

A few steps away, Donghyuck and Jeno are mouthing it to each other dramatically, their giggles heard even from where Jisung is. Jaemin has his arms wrapped around Renjun, singing it into his ear while Renjun cringed at it. He thinks it must be nice to fall in love with your best friend, if they’re any testament.

 _Kung 'di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Sana'y nagtanong ka lang_ _  
_ _Kung 'di mo lang alam_

Jisung mouths the words. He hasn’t sung in a while, and he’s not sure if he can even really sing this one, but it still feels nice to let the words roll off his tongue, about as sweet as the way it’s being crooned into the mic right now.

 _Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya_ _  
_ _'Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta_ _  
_ _Kung ako'y nagkasala, patawad na sana_ _  
_ _Ang puso kong pagal, ngayon lang nagmahal_

He feels Chenle press against him, just arm to arm. His skin is cold from the February wind, and Jisung wonders where he put that hoodie he bought.

“You know this song?” Chenle nearly shouts over all the other sounds.

Nodding, Jisung says, “Of course.”

A little smile plays across his best friend’s features. “It’s my favorite.”

 _'Di mo lang alam_  
_Ako'y i'yong nasaktan_ _  
_ _O, baka sakali lang maisip mo naman_ _  
_ _Puro s'ya na lang, sana'y ako naman_ _  
_ _'Di mo lang alam, ika'y minamasdan_ _  
_ _Sana'y i'yong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam_

“Why?” 

He’s not sure if Chenle even heard, because there is no response for a while. Jisung thinks about whether or not he really wants to know the answer.

 _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang_ _  
_ _Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan_

He gets the answer in the form of a shrug and a slight shake of the head. It means that Chenle just doesn’t quite have the explanation.

Jisung shouldn’t feel disappointed.

 _Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman_ _  
_ _Ako'y nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Matalino ka naman_

Mouthing the last lines, he steals a glance at his best friend, the lights washing his skin in hues of purple and orange. Jisung does his best not to hold his breath in for too long.

 _Kung ikaw at ako_ _  
_ _Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito_ _  
_ _Ay dapat bang sumuko_ _  
_ _Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala_ _  
_ _Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito_ _  
_ _Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko_

Chenle turns then, looking at him searchingly. Even his eyes are filled with color right now.

 _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Ako'y i'yong nasaktan_ _  
_ _O, baka sakali lang maisip mo naman_ _  
_ _Puro s'ya na lang, sana'y ako naman_

A hand comes to rest gently on his arm. Jisung looks down at it.

“Can we go sit down?” Chenle asks, pressing a little closer so he can be heard.

 _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _O, ika'y minamasdan_ _  
_ _Sana iyo'y mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam_

Jisung feels himself nod. With the hand still on his arm, Chenle tells the others that they’re just going to sit down, rest a bit. Everyone nods their head, looks at them understandingly. Not too understanding, Jisung thinks.

The last of the song almost fades as they walk away from the grounds.

 _Malas mo_ _  
_ _Ikaw ang natipuhan ko_ _  
_ _'Di mo lang alam_ _  
_ _Ako'y i'yong nasaktan_

The only nearby place they can sit at are the steps of Chenle’s college building. Sure, there are still people walking around, but there’s relative quiet here. The artists performing can still be heard here, just a smidge softer and a bit more garbled from how terrible the sound system is.

Chenle sits down readily, used to it by now. Jisung takes his seat beside him, not much of a distance away.

For a while, neither of them say anything. They only listen to the sounds of the fair, suddenly a bit further away than what it seems. Jisung knows that this isn’t just them taking a break from standing, but he can’t guess what his best friend could possibly want to talk about.

The silence is broken when Chenle asks, “Do you believe in love, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung feels like all the air is punched right out of his lungs. He finds himself gaping at him, so he quickly shuts his mouth, thinks of a response.

“The thing they invented so that they can sell stuff on holidays and occasions, such as Valentine’s Day?”

His best friend gives him a look. “Where did you even get that?”

“From you of course.”

“Why am I even friends with you?”

Jisung fights down a smile. “Because you love me.”

“So now you believe it?” Chenle looks at him incredulously.

He nudges at him. “Why are you asking? Are you in love with someone?”

The other boy is silent for a few beats, gazing down at his hands. Jisung distantly notes that the next song is starting.

Chenle is nodding, an admission to himself. “I...think so.”

Scooting closer, Jisung bumps his elbow against Chenle’s. “Who? The one in your major? The one in your Speech 30 class? The one you see in the hallways every other day?”

“None of them.” His voice sounds hollow, and he has a far-away look.

 _Siya na ang mayaman_ _  
_ _Siya na ang may auto, siya na_ _  
_ _Siya na ang mayro'n ng lahat_ _  
_ _Ng bagay na wala ako_ _  
_ _'Di mo man sabihin_ _  
_ _Aking napapansin_

Jisung feels like a part of him has dropped to his feet. He doesn’t know if it’s his heart or his stomach, but it just doesn’t feel all that okay.

“Oh so you’re hiding a crush from me? Ouch,” he jokes.

His best friend gives him another look, but it doesn’t last very long. He sighs. “Bwiset ka.”

“So, who is it?”

Chenle tears his gaze away, shaking his head. 

_Kapag nalagay ka sa alanganin_ _  
_ _Heto na naman tayo_

His next words can be barely heard over everything, but Jisung strains his ears to hear. “Just. Someone.” 

He tries to think of everyone that Chenle has mentioned in the past, the ones that Chenle has befriended, the ones that he’s only looked at from afar even though Jisung has encouraged him to just try to talk to them, the ones that he’s barely even met. They don’t quite all fit Chenle’s type, at least not the one that he was more likely to feel more for.

So he really doesn’t know who it could possibly be.

 _Pansamantalang unan_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nahihirapan_ _  
_ _Pansamantalang panyo_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nasasaktan_

“Since you’re not gonna tell me who it is,” he begins, “how do you know you’re in love?”

Taking a deep breath, Chenle seems to steel himself. This isn’t something he was fully prepared to talk about.

“I can’t...I can’t say. I just know.”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” Jisung asks gently.

“Of course not.”

“Bwiset ka rin eh ano?”

Chenle curls his lip. “Just. Comfort me here.”

“How can I comfort when I don’t know what’s going on!”

 _Bakit ba sa akin na lang_ _  
_ _Palagi ang takbo?_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing kayo ay may away_ _  
_ _Ako ang lagi mong karamay_ _  
_ _'Di naman tayo, hindi_ _  
_ _'Di ba't hindi?_

He comes closer, just a bit. Chenle leans into him almost automatically. “I just want a hug right now.”

“Okay.” He says quietly. Jisung maneuvers his arms around his best friend, getting him as close as possible even in their relatively awkward position. 

Quietly, he asks, “You don’t want to be in love, huh?”

Chenle makes a deep inhale. “It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“...Yes.” He’s thankful that his answer didn’t sound as strained as he thought it would.

_But yes. Yes, it does hurt._

_Pansamantalang unan_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nahihirapan_ _  
_ _Pansamantalang panyo_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nasasaktan_

Chenle snuggles in a little closer. Jisung hopes that he can attribute his heartbeat to how loud the music is.

“I don’t want it anymore.”

With his hand, Jisung makes soothing circles on Chenle’s back. “Who are they, anyways? Do I have to fight someone?”

Shaking his head, Chenle sighs. “You won’t fight him. I know you won’t.”

“What now, then? What happens?” He watches as a group of people pass by, barely minding them as they go to the direction of the fair.

“Nothing.”

He can almost imagine Chenle’s sad smile, the one that almost always looks like he’s just trying not to let everything spill over. It’s an expression that Jisung sees often now, and it always makes him want to pull Chenle in a little closer, if he could.

 _Kaibigan lang bang maituturing?_ _  
_ _Ang hirap naman yatang mangapa sa dilim_ _  
_ _Sino nga ba talaga sa amin ang iyong_

 _Pansamantalang unan_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nahihirapan_ _  
_ _Pansamantalang panyo_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nasasaktan_

Tracing little circles just above Jisung’s knee, Chenle says, “It’s okay. There’s just people that aren’t for us.”

It’s good that Chenle isn’t facing him, because Jisung stares. He stares at his best friend, who is in love with someone and it hurts him, and believes that there are just people that aren’t for them. That it’s okay.

Biting his cheek, Jisung says, “You’re not sure if they’re for you or not. They could be.”

At that, Chenle looks up at him, eyes narrowing. “And where’d you get that?”

He feels the corners of his mouth tug up into a smile. “Still you.”

Chenle scrunches his nose at him, then settling back into position, face turned away. He sighs. “You really do have a crush on me, don’t you? You remember way too much about me.”

Jisung threads his fingers gently through the mess of hair, tugging out the knots. “I’m not gonna say anything anymore.”

His best friend giggles into his arm.

Looking back towards the fair, he sighs. Jisung thinks that Valentine’s Day really isn’t for him.

 _Pansamantalang unan_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nahihirapan_ _  
_ _Pansamantalang panyo_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ika'y nasasaktan_ _  
_ _Pansamantala, pansamantala_ _  
_ _Pansamantala_ _  
_ _Tanggap ko na_

◑

A plastic bag full of ice creams is practically thrown onto the table. It’s right after one of Chenle’s long exams and they’ve decided on sitting outside of a 7-11. They bought all the ice cream for themselves, a treat after getting through about a month of the semester.

Truthfully, they haven’t talked about what happened during Valentine’s at all. It wasn’t like Chenle was going to tell him who it was, and Jisung wasn’t sure he wanted to know either. So, that conversation wasn’t brought up again in the past few days.

Which was okay, right? It’s not like there’s a reason it shouldn’t be okay. Some things just didn’t need to be talked about unless brought up again.

Jisung unwraps his ice cream and takes it out of the plastic. As he bites into it and they’re both still so unnervingly quiet, he thinks that they do kinda need to talk about it. It had been the first time he’d even heard about the person, and he didn’t even actually find out anything about him. All he knows is that Chenle is probably in love with him, and he doesn’t like that idea all that much.

His best friend probably notices that he’s spacing out a bit, so he levels him with a look. “What are you thinking about?”

A lot of things, actually. Like who in the world Chenle would fall in love with. And why he wouldn’t tell Jisung about it; Jisung knew about _all_ of the people he liked. And what it must be like to have Zhong Chenle fall in love with you. And what the guy might do once he finds out that Chenle is in love with him. And why, of all the days, Chenle chose to tell him on Valentine’s day. 

He doesn’t say any of those. Jisung only takes another bit of ice cream into his mouth, just so he has an excuse to not answer right away.

Of course, Chenle notices that too.

“You don’t wanna tell me.” He points the popsicle stick at Jisung. “Best friends tell each other things, y’know.”

This time, it’s Jisung who gives him a look. “You don’t tell me stuff either!”

Almost immediately after he says it, he wants to take it back. He watches as Chenle deflates a bit, his eyes dropping from looking at Jisung straight-on.

It was true, though Even though it took a while for Jisung to admit it to himself, Chenle felt rather distant the whole year, probably even before that. They were still close, of course. They still hung out together, talked pretty much every single day, ate together, gamed together. By everyone’s standards, they were still very much attached by the hip, inseparable.

But he’s not everyone. He’s Jisung, Chenle’s best friend, and he _knows_ something has changed. Well, all things were changing all the time, but this was a change that he actually felt. 

Conversation, although still as frequent, didn’t quite feel the same. There was a hesitance to it, like they’re both tiptoeing around each other again. There were bouts of silence, and although he knows that silence is good, this silence felt like they needed to say more, but just couldn’t.

Then, his originally rather touchy best friend isn’t quite like that anymore. The hugs are infrequent now, possibly even rare. Chenle doesn’t pinch at him constantly anymore, or reach out to poke at him randomly. Jisung had gotten used to those, and now he realizes they aren’t really happening anymore.

Was it them growing up? Was it the stress brought about by uni, family, the country they lived in? Was it them somehow realizing that maybe they’re not quite as close as they used to be? Was it their friend groups? Was it because Chenle has been in love for god-knows-how-long and he was trying to understand how to deal with that fact?

Was it...was he just trying to slowly avoid Jisung?

Okay, he knows he shouldn’t think about it that way. Chenle does _not_ hate him. There must be reasons, and even though he doesn’t know them yet, he really shouldn’t get ahead of himself and think of all sorts of things.

But he is confused, he acknowledges that. Confused and a little sad. It felt like this was part of growing up, of becoming the adults that they are. They can’t just be the closest of friends of forever. Life happens. He can’t always count on things to stay the way they are.

“Sorry,” Chenle says, voice soft and his gaze downcast. “I know I...I haven’t been talking as much. I haven’t told you things I should’ve.”

Under the table, their knees brush against each other. Jisung takes in a breath. “I could wait until you’re ready to tell me, you know that.”

His best friend nods, lips pressed into a thin line. He does want to ask, all those questions he’s had for so long that he hasn’t asked because he felt like it just wasn’t the time. Jisung doesn’t know if Chenle will answer any of them, but he still hopes he can ask some of them someday.

 _Tell him, be honest,_ his Donghyuck hyung’s voice echoes in his head. _It’s a lot less scary after that, I promise._

“You know what, Lele, sometimes I don’t get you,” he blurts out before he can stop it. Not a confession, not the one he intended anyways, but it’s honesty.

Chenle’s mouth twists into a smile. “Thanks.”

Jisung is even more confused now. With a furrow in his brow, he stammers out a “You won’t–you’re not going to ask why?”

Leaning forward, Chenle clasps his hands together on the table, looks Jisung straight in the eye. His head is tilted to the side, his eyes wide and almost innocent.

“Will you really answer if I ask why?”

He’s speechless for just a moment before he manages to say, “...No.”

“There you go.” His best friend’s smile widens, and he leans back in his chair, regarding Jisung like he knows exactly why Jisung even said that in the first place.

And the thing is, that might be the truth.

Unwrapping another ice cream, Chenle talks again. “Jisung-ah.”

“Yeah?” Jisung gets another ice cream for himself too, hoping that his fingers don’t look like they’re trembling ever so slightly.

Chenle pops the ice cream bar into his mouth. “I don’t get you either.” He bites a chunk off the top. “Will you ask me why?”

He gulps, nods. “Will you answer if I ask?”

“Of course.”

Jisung stares at him. Once again, he’s not sure if he really wants to know the answer.

He asks, because he doesn’t know if he can handle not knowing either.

“Why?”

A corner of Chenle’s lips curl. “Because.” His brows raise, and he leans forward again, a bit too close. “It’s already there, you can already get it, it’s okay, but you don’t even want to. You don’t even try to. You keep losing opportunities, Jisung-ah. And I’ll never get that.”

Before Jisung could answer, could even try to get a question in regarding what Chenle meant by all of that, Chenle’s already pushing back his chair and getting out of his seat. He comes over to Jisung, slides the remaining ice creams in the bag towards him.

“There. The extra ones were really for you. I’ll text you later, yeah?” He smiles, pinching Jisung’s cheek.

He leaves moments after, walking towards where he can ride a jeep to his next class. Jisung stays at the table, still dumbfounded, the ice cream now melting all over his hand.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** r u done with classes  
I’ll be at your bldg in a few minutes

◑

It’s still cold even with his hoodie on.

They’re at the same booth that they went to last time they were at the fair. Chenle would not let it go until he’s won a plushie. Jisung shakes his head at it, but he doesn’t pull him away either.

It really is just them tonight. He doesn’t remember if either of them told the hyungs that they’ll go again for the Friday fair, but maybe it was best if they didn’t. There would most likely be some talk about this again, and he kind of wants to keep this to themselves.

Jisung wants to be selfish, just this once.

On Chenle’s fourth game, he finally wins that plushie. It’s a porcupine, orange and not too big. The grin on his best friend’s face is brighter than any of the lights at this fair when he gives the plushie to Jisung.

They go to the next booth over, a food stall. Chenle orders loaded fries for the both of them, and when Jisung eyes it, he only laughs and says not to worry about the mess. 

It’s Jisung who finds a spot where they can stay for a bit. They’re close enough to the stage, and they can see the next performer set up. People are milling about, talking and eating and dragging each other to the rides, but it feels like Jisung and Chenle have their own little world in that spot that Jisung found.

He likes the relative peace they have. They aren’t hurrying from booth to booth to make the most of their time here, they’re not following the hyungs around the fair. It’s just them, enjoying what they can at their own pace. It’s nice.

Admittedly, though, the amount of couples this year at the fair is a little overwhelming. There’s even more today than on Valentine’s, mostly because the lineup for today was arguably everyone’s favorite. Jisung sees their arms slung around each other, the laughs that they share, the look of adoration at each other. The Friday fair really was for the couples, and he can’t help but feel a little self-conscious at that.

Chenle snaps him out of it by feeding him a forkful of the fries. He narrowly misses Jisung’s mouth the first try, so he sticks a napkin onto him while laughing.

Well, okay, he feels a little less self-conscious with Chenle with him.

A few moments later, Chenle pats him on the arm to point him to the stage. The next performer is already starting.

 _'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto?_ _  
_ _Oh, ito'y lilisan na ako_ _  
_ _Mga alaala'y ibabaon_ _  
_ _Kalakip ang tamis ng kahapon_

Oh. Jisung knows this song. He turns back to face Chenle, his eyes wide.

“You like them, don’t you?”

A smile spreads across Chenle’s face. “Yeah. Do you remember their name?”

“Ben&Ben, right?”

His best friend nods. He’s already swaying to the song, popping another forkful of food into his mouth.

 _Mga gabing 'di namamalayang oras ay lumilipad_ _  
_ _Mga sandaling lumalayag kung sa'n man tayo mapadpad_ _  
_ _Bawat kilig na nadarama sa tuwing hawak ang iyong kamay_ _  
_ _Ito'y maling akala, isang malaking sablay_

When Jisung sings a bit of the song, Chenle looks up at him. He seems to realize that Jisung knows this song pretty well.

Jisung thinks his best friend looks pleased at that fact. He doesn’t shy away when Chenle keeps looking at him as he continues.

 _Pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito_ _  
_ _Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo_ _  
_ _Ako'y gigising na sa panaginip kong ito_ _  
_ _At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo, lalayo sa..._

Leaning in, Chenle says, “Didn’t think you liked this song too.”

Their elbows bump against each other from how close they are. Jisung hugs the plushie closer to him, petting its soft head.

“You loved this one, I remember.” If he looks closer, Chenle’s eyes are a warm amber in the light. “You had me listen to it, and I liked it too.”

Chenle nods, looking back down at their food. He gives Jisung another bite of it.

“Do you remember why I liked it?”

 _Gaano kabilis nagsimula_ _  
_ _Gano'n katulin nawala_ _  
_ _Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa?_ _  
_ _Upang 'di na umasa ang pusong nag-iisa_

Jisung chews. He does remember why Chenle liked it.

Back then, Chenle got his first college crush. It was a senior in one of his classes, dazzling and intelligent and all too perfect. That senior had been one of those guys that could probably get anyone to fall in love with them without doing much of anything.

Fast forward a bit, Chenle had started to hang out with him. Getting lunch at one of the cafeterias, getting milktea together, taking Chenle to where he could get on a jeep home, accompanying him to classes. It looked like the guy had been interested, and Chenle was in heart-eyes mode pretty much the entire time.

It had lasted almost the whole semester. Chenle thought it might become something more. Thing is: it didn’t.

The senior had “only wanted to be friendly” according to him. Even then, Jisung knew that it meant that he was just bored and needed someone to come with him, be someone he could call anytime that he knew for sure would come. At that time, Chenle had been crushed.

And this song, talking about how all of this was just something from the imagination and dreams, it had been one of Chenle’s favorites. He would sing it while flopped down on the couch in the Park home, and even though Jisung didn’t see him cry, he knew he would’ve. Chenle had experienced something that he thought could have been real, only for him to realize that it was all just him dreaming for it to be.

 _Sumabay sa agos na isinulat ng tadhana_ _  
_ _Na minsan s'ya'y para sa iyo pero minsan, s'ya'y paasa_ _  
_ _Tatakbo papalayo, kakalimutan ang lahat_

“Yes,” he answers.

Chenle bumps shoulders with him. “It’s so long ago now. What, more than 3 years?”

He nods. It really had been that long ago. And yet, he still remembers it.

His best friend turns to him, expression soft under the multicolored lights. “I don’t think I was the same person I was then.”

It’s true. Chenle now isn’t quite as starry-eyed anymore. Although he still keeps his heart open, he’s more careful now. And he’s stronger, but Jisung knows he probably won’t admit that to himself. He’s so much stronger than he used to be, in every possible way.

Chenle slaps his arm with the back of his hand. “You’ve changed too, Jisung-ah.” He offers a little smile. “We both have, huh?”

 _Pero kahit sa'n man lumingon_ _  
_ _Nasusulyapan ang kahapon_ _  
_ _At sa aking bawat paghinga_ _  
_ _Ikaw ang nasa isip ko, sinta_

They don’t really stray too far from their little spot anymore. There’s still so much to explore, but they both choose to stay there for the rest of the night.

Jisung feels relief at that.

They lapse into easy conversation about their classes for the semester. Chenle doesn’t have a lot of classes anymore, but he’s still busy with his thesis so stress levels are about the same. Jisung has some pretty interesting classes this time, and although he does enjoy them, they were tiring as well. They both make faces as they’re reminded of the fact that they have long exams after this week. They both laugh at the fact that they haven’t studied at all.

It really is easier to just be with Chenle, talking about the things they know they should do and the many different ways they’ve procrastinated. It’s easier to stay just like this, just the two of them putting their responsibilities behind for another night to enjoy this.

A small part of Jisung hopes that it would be this easy just telling him. It was a good time, he had already tried the start of the dialogue a few times in front of the mirror. He did want to be honest. It was time that he was.

Before he can actually set his mind on finally doing it, Chenle grabs his wrist and tugs him towards the center of the grounds. A good amount of people are there, swaying to the song. Through the noise, Jisung can’t quite place the song yet, but Chenle seems to recognize it.

He makes a confused sound, and his best friend chuckles. “Should we dance, Jisung-ah?”

That makes something short-circuit in Jisung’s brain. Sure, they’ve danced together for a handful of dance covers before, but this wasn’t like that. The energy in the crowd was thrumming through him along with the music, and he can’t get himself to answer in a way that was suitable.

“W-what?” is all he manages.

Chenle’s smile widens. “Dance. Let’s dance!”

Before he could find a response to that, Chenle is behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing himself close. His best friend is just the right height to hook his chin over Jisung’s shoulder as he makes them sway in tune to the song.

 _Hindi mapigil ang bugso ng aking puso_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ako'y papalapit sa'yo_ _  
_ _Maaari bang hingin ang iyong kamay?_ _  
_ _Hawakan mo't 'wag mong bitawan_

Jisung feels like he’s made of lead. He doesn’t know how to react, how to process exactly what’s happening. But he feels it, the way that Chenle’s arms are a bit cold but his body pressed against Jisung’s back is warm, the way his hair tickles Jisung’s ear, the way that he’s leading their awkward swaying.

He’s sure that Chenle can feel his heart, beating out of his chest, so loud it might just drown out all the other sounds. Jisung thinks he isn’t breathing at all, and it doesn’t help that Chenle draws him closer.

“You okay?” Chenle whispers, so, so close. “We can stop, dancing, y’know.” He loosens his hold.

Jisung shakes his head.

 _Hindi mapigil ang tibok ng aking puso_ _  
_ _Sa tuwing ako'y nakatingin sa'yo_ _  
_ _Maaari bang huwag kang humiwalay_ _  
_ _Dahil sandali na lang_

He’s not sure what possesses him to say, “Want to...want to face you.”

And god, Jisung wishes that Chenle doesn’t hear it, but apparently he does, because he stops and turns him so that they’re facing each other. Chenle’s looking at him weirdly, like he’s not sure if he’s heard it right.

“You want me to face you?” And even though Chenle says it so softly, Jisung hears it loud and clear.

He nods.

Soon enough, Chenle embraces him again, and they’re chest to chest. Jisung knows for sure that he can _really_ feel his heartbeat now, but his best friend doesn’t comment on it. He only nestles into Jisung, like he belongs right there, in Jisung’s arms.

Jisung could only hope that that was true.

 _Darating din ang gabing walang pipigil sa 'tin_ _  
_ _Kung hindi ngayon, aasa bang maibabalik ang kahapon?_ _  
_ _Kahit sandali, palayain ang pusong 'di mapigil_ _  
_ _Sana'y tayong dal'wa_ _  
_ _Sa huling pagkakataon_ _  
_ _Na ika'y magiging akin_

“I thought you just didn’t want to dance.”

Even though Chenle’s hold isn’t tight at all, Jisung still feels like he can’t quite breathe, can’t get enough oxygen into his damn lungs. He feels almost dizzy about it, and the music filling in the rest of the spaces is strengthening that feeling.

“I just didn’t know why we were going to dance.”

It was as good a reply as any. Jisung doesn’t quite trust his tongue or his brain right now.

He hears a soft chuckle. “Why not? We can dance. It’s not gonna hurt us.”

Somehow, Jisung doubts that.

 _Hindi matigil ang gulo sa aking isip_ _  
_ _At para bang walang kasing sakit_ _  
_ _Alaala mong hindi ko malimutan_ _  
_ _Oras lang ang may alam_

“Lele,” he begins, so quiet. He’s not sure he quite likes how it sounds in his ears. “Is this a last dance or something?”

Looking up at him, Chenle furrows his brows. “No, why would it be the last?”

Jisung tries his best to look away, but this close, he has nowhere else to look. “You’re–you’re graduating next year and–”

There’s a slight pinch at his arm. “Yah. This is not the last. You’re going to play Dance Dance Revolution with me at home when you visit me, right?”

He gives his best friend a look, but a part of him feels like laughing out loud. “Not that kind of dance.”

Chenle huffs out a laugh.

 _Kung darating din ang gabing walang pipigil sa 'tin_ _  
_ _Kung hindi ngayon, aasa bang maibabalik ang kahapon?_ _  
_ _Kahit sandali, palayain ang pusong 'di mapigil_ _  
_ _Sana'y tayong dal'wa_ _  
_ _Sa huling pagkakataon_ _  
_ _Na hindi na para sa 'tin_

“Look, this is not the end. I know it isn’t.” Chenle’s gaze has softened, and in the light, it’s like there are stars in his eyes. Jisung still can’t breathe well. “It’s not the end for us, right? I thought we’d get houses next to each other and then visit with all sorts of food and new games?”

Once again, Jisung wishes he could look away. It now feels like his ribs are collapsing into themselves, getting splinters into his lungs and heart, and he’s not sure how much longer he can hold out at this rate.

“Then this is not the end. Not this, not when I graduate, not when I get a job.”

Jisung once again thinks of Chenle working at his family’s company, all those miles away. “When’s the end, then?” he asks, because he does want to know.

 _At sa bawat minuto, ako'y 'di natuto_ _  
_ _Ipilit mang iba, ako'y maghihintay sa'yo_ _  
_ _Ikaw ang aking kapiling sa huling sandali_ _  
_ _Kasalanan ba kung puso natin ang magwawagi?_

His best friend tilts his head at him. Chenle looks like everything Jisung has ever dreamed of, and it hurts, it hurts.

“Why would we think of that? We’re _here_ right now. This is what we should think about.”

And when he nestles back into Jisung, snuggling into the crook of his neck even though Jisung knows he’s all sweaty and gross now, Jisung has no thoughts at all. None that don’t feel like he’ll break his own heart for the hundredth time right here, on the grounds during the fair, with his best friend in his arms.

 _Kahit sandali, patawarin ang pusong 'di tumigil_ _  
_ _Para sa'ting dal'wa_ _  
_ _Ang maling pagkakataon_ _  
_ _Na ika'y magiging akin_

◑

Untrue to his promise, Chenle accompanies him on the ride home again. This time, he says that he has even more of a reason to, since it’s late and he’s supposed to be responsible for Jisung. The first part is true, the second one not so much.

Still, Jisung doesn’t complain, just walks beside his best friend, clutching the plushie to himself.

It takes about an hour before they get on a jeep. Jisung has sent about a dozen texts to his mom to assure her that he is in fact coming home. While waiting, Jisung puts his hoodie on Chenle, because Chenle gets cold.

The jeep they get into is packed to the brim, and neither of them are really even sitting. Even harder since Jisung has a plushie he’d very much rather not put down on the floor of the jeep. It’s a good thing that it’s not that long of a ride to the terminal.

This time, Chenle doesn’t try to look out and watch all the buildings pass by. He looks at Jisung, something like concern written all over his face, but that could just be a trick of the horrid blue lighting inside the jeep. 

When the guy beside Chenle gets off and Chenle finally gets to have his whole butt on the seat, he wordlessly takes the plushie from Jisung. He doesn’t have to say why.

Once they both get off of the jeep, Jisung feels his body protest. He has been standing for hours, and the games they played and rides they went on are now showing their effects. He sways a little, and Chenle catches him. 

Chenle maintains a steadying force as they cross the footbridge. Jisung is well aware that he’s exhausted himself, and is just trying not to show it. He always wonders why Chenle doesn’t want to show it.

Trying to get on a jeep that will take Jisung home is even more of a struggle. Normally at this hour, there aren’t a lot of people, but the fair had just finished, and hordes of people are waiting to get home.

Both of them consider just getting a Grabcar home and splitting the cost between the two of them. It’s nearly dawn, and a part of Jisung is actually considering falling asleep right there. By the time he gets home, his mother might just be up already (if she slept at all).

Just as Chenle pulls up the Grab app for nth time in a row, they chance upon a UV express coming up. Rare at this hour here, but the driver must know that the fair has ended around this time and that would mean people who would need a ride home.

They practically fight to go in, which is not really optimal with how sleep-deprived they are, but hey, they get in. Chenle is squashed against the window while Jisung is squashed into him, practically sitting in his lap with how pressed together they are. The airconditioning doesn’t feel like it works all that well, but they’re not going to complain. They got on, that’s the important thing.

Even in the vehicle, Chenle fights sleep. Jisung tells him to sleep, even just for a bit. His best friend resists it, up until Jisung puts a hand against the side of his face and gently pulls him closer. Even though the position is a little awkward at first, Chenle’s head finds Jisung’s shoulder.

Jisung can’t actually tell if he’s asleep. All he can really see is the top of Chenle’s head. He hopes he is, he knows Chenle deserves the sleep.

He himself doesn’t sleep. Jisung watches the lights of the cars and the streetlamps blur as they pass by. He looks at the billboards, at the signages that are still turned on even when the shops are closed. There aren’t as many people out and about, and it looks almost peaceful.

They’re close to where Chenle can try to find another ride to get to his condo unit. Jisung prods at his arm gently.

“We’re close to your stop.”

Soon, he learns that Chenle wasn’t asleep at all. His voice is clear in the quiet van as he says, “I’ll walk you home.”

There’s no arguing with that.

At Jisung’s stop, they get off, the streetlamps barely enough light for them to see ahead. So, they walk as close to each other as possible, and it’s a miracle they don’t trip over each other.

If Chenle’s hand wanders into his at some point, Jisung figures it’s just the exhaustion.

◑

The first thing his mom says in the morning is, “Who was that who slept over?”

Jisung pauses in making his morning Milo drink. “Oh, uh, Chenle.”

“Ah, the one you always tell me about?”

He nearly drops his teaspoon. “...Yes.”

Last night, Chenle stayed over, deeming it too late for him to go home anyways. It was going to be hard to get a ride from where Jisung lived too. 

Jiho was the one that opened the door for them. He didn’t berate them, just gave them a tired smile and let them shuffle inside. It was 4 am at that point, and while Chenle took a shower in their bathroom to get all the grime of the fair off, he bought pandesal for them. In the meantime, Jisung had looked through his drawers for sleepwear he could loan to his best friend.

After a kind-of breakfast of bread and coffee with a lot of milk, both Jisung and Chenle crashed into Jisung’s bed, squished together but uncaring anymore.

This morning, Jisung was the first to wake up, and his best friend has barely stirred since he left the room.

His mom is frying eggs for their actual breakfast. “Where is he from?” 

“He stays at a dorm now, but he’s from Cebu.”

Across the table, his dad’s eyebrows shoot up. “That’s far. We were thinking that we should invite him over sometime.”

“Pa…”

“What?” His dad looks up at him. Behind his glasses, his eyes seem huge. “Pwede naman. He’s always here anyways, so we might as well just invite him over on purpose.”

Behind his dad, his mom knocks at the back of the chair with her elbow. Jisung’s parents exchange that look of their that he can’t quite understand, but they seem like they’re communicating pretty well. He’s long since learned not to ask anymore.

The front door opens, and the screen door after it creaks as Jiho comes in with the stuff he bought from the sari-sari store a few houses down. He got another handful of coffee sachets and oil for cooking, and had even stopped by at the bakery to get some more bread. Setting them down on the table, he ruffles Jisung’s hair before coming to help with the cooking.

When he places the plate with the sunny side-up eggs on the table, he looks at Jisung, and then at the vacant chairs with a puzzled look.

“Where’s Chenle?” he asks. “Don’t tell me you didn’t wake him up.”

Jisung shrugs. “He doesn’t wake up early on weekends.”

With a huff, his brother gives him a look. “Go wake him up. He should have breakfast with us while the food’s hot.”

Getting up from his chair, Jisung pads over to the stairs, climbing them to get to his room. Their shoes from last night are still by his door, as if they’re going to go out soon. He opens the door, and is met with the sight of a still very much asleep Chenle.

Jisung walks over, placing a hand on his best friend’s shoulder. Chenle’s hair is in a faded purple halo on one of Jisung’s pillows, his chest rising and falling gently with every breath. He kind of doesn’t want to wake him, but he knows that he has to.

He gives the first shake. “Lele,” he whispers. “Lele, time to wake up.”

Chenle doesn’t even stir in the slightest. With a sigh, Jisung tries again.

“Chenle,” he says, a little louder this time. “Wake up, it’s time for breakfast.”

At this, he’s granted with a groan, and Chenle turning to face the wall on the other side of the bed to avoid Jisung. Of course. It has never been easy to wake him.

Jisung climbs into his bed, placing both hands on Chenle’s side. “Chenle, wake up or I swear I’m going to start tickling you.”

He gets another groan, this time accompanied by a hand trying to pry him off his side. Jisung doesn’t let go.

“You know my brother won’t let me go back to the dining table without you with me. Come on, we need to eat.”

This time, he gets a sigh. Chenle flops down onto his back, stares at him with bleary eyes. “I keep forgetting your family are early birds.”

Holding out a hand for Chenle to take so that he can pull him up, Jisung sighs. “I don’t like it either, okay?”

They go down to the dining room together, Jisung’s house slippers a bit big on Chenle’s feet. Jiho lets Chenle take his usual seat, which is beside Jisung, opting for the seat on their dad’s other side. A plate of tocino is placed right in front of Chenle.

“Eat up!” Jisung’s mom tells them.

Over breakfast, Jisung’s family casually asks about school and how the fair was. Jisung’s brother supplies some of his own experiences at the fair a couple of years back, including a story of how he felt like he was going to be thrown off of a ride from how unsecure it all was. Beside Jisung, Chenle laughs and talks, brighter than Jisung has seen him on any given morning. He’s grateful for that.

Later, as Chenle is fixing his stuff so that he could go back to his dorm, Jisung is washing the dishes. His mother is putting the leftovers into tupperware containers to place in the fridge. It’s just them now, since his dad and Jiho went to the hardware to buy a few things.

“He’s cute, huh?” his mother remarks, head in the fridge.

Jisung very nearly drops the mug he’s been scrubbing. “Ma.”

“What?”

He lets out a breath, goes back to washing. “Nothing.”

“Oh I know he’s cute for you too.” There’s no teasing lilt, she’s just saying it as it is.

“Ma…”

“You think I don’t see? Jusko, Jisung, what do you think of me?” She’s beside him now, regarding him with one of those looks that mothers have when they know they’re in the right.

Jisung squares his shoulders, moves onto the next mug. It’s far too early to have this conversation, and he knows that if he indulges her, she’d probably never stop talking about it.

His mom stares at him for a few moments more, before turning the faucet towards her to wash her hands. Jisung pauses to let her do what she has to do.

“But you know,” she begins. “I don’t think he sees.”

He inhales, purses his lips. He hates that he knows exactly what she means. “Ma, how will he see, when he doesn’t even look at me?”

Finishing with washing her hands, she steps back to dry them, but she keeps her eyes on him. She lets out an exasperated sigh. Then, she’s close again, and although she’s about a head shorter than Jisung, it’s like she’s staring down at him.

“You’re so much like your dad, did you know that? You use this,” she pokes at his forehead, “more than this.” She nudges at his chest, just above where he knows his heart is. 

He doesn’t reply, so she keeps going on. “It’s not good, you know? You can’t just let your head rule over everything. Your heart is just as important.”

Jisung nods solemnly, looking back down at his sudsy hands. “But ma…”

“No buts.” She reaches over to pinch at his cheek affectionately. “You don’t always look, right? How do you know he’s not looking too?”

When he meets her gaze, it’s soft and warm, if not just a smidge disapproving. She tilts her head, a corner of her mouth tugging upwards.

For a moment, her gaze darts up the stairs. “Look, Sungie, my baby, you’re not a kid anymore. You can’t just come home and tell me all about your crush and not do anything about it. This time, you _should_ do something. I said he’s cute, but I know he’s more than that to you. I know he matters to you.”

His heart presses against his ribs. Nodding, he goes back to his task.

A hand clasps him on the shoulder, warm and familiar. “Do something about it, okay, baby?”

He gives her a nod, and the best smile he can muster.

When Chenle leaves, they share a hug that’s made awkward by his mom standing just a few feet away. Chenle manages to convince her not to pack him food to bring back to his dorm, and he says thank you and goodbye to the both of them.

Jisung watches his best friend walk away again.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** got home!  
your family’s always nice  
kinda missed coming by your house lol  
thank you again btw  
but now i’m gonna sleep again  
goodnight jisung

 **[big head #1]** **  
** goodnight lele  
u can come by anytime, u know that

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** I’ll remember that  
thank u

◑

“I want four kids.”

That makes Jisung sit up. He looks down at his best friend who is currently lying on the grass, smile reaching his ears.

“What?”

“Four kids,” Chenle repeats matter-of-factly. “It’ll be fun. I’ve tried looking at names.”

Jisung only gapes at him. It makes Chenle laugh, his back arching against the ground as he does.

He sits up too, and there’s a blade of grass in his hair. Jisung reaches out to get it out. “I know having kids is like, not for everyone, right? But I really want kids. I’ve taken care of all my baby cousins, and I think I’ll do well.”

The smile that spreads across his face is involuntary. He has seen his best friend with babies, and he definitely is a lot better at taking care of them than Jisung. 

Eyes lighting up, Chenle goes on. “And I want to adopt!”

Raising both his eyebrows, Jisung asks, “Adopt?”

“Yeah!” His best friend looks very excited about this. “I mean, of course I can have my own kids, but there are already so many kids out there, and I don’t think I need to add to that. Also, the orphanages here have way too many occupants, and not enough staff, and it’s just not good for anyone. I know adopting like, 4 or so kids won’t do much, but I still want to help. I want to give them a home, a family.”

The sheer happiness and sincerity in his features makes Jisung just as happy. “You’ll do great. I’ll buy all your kids food.”

When Chenle grins, his eyes disappear because of his cheeks. He bumps his shoulder against Jisung’s. “How about you? What adulthood dreams do you have?”

Jisung lies back down on the grass. The sun peeking through the branches of the trees is warm against his cheeks. 

“Nothing.”

It’s Chenle’s turn to give him a look. “Really? Nothing at all?”

Shaking his head, Jisung closes his eyes. “I’ll just let things happen.”

He can hear Chenle settle back onto the grass again, just beside him. Sighing, Chenle prods him in the rib with an elbow. “You know, in this world we live in, we should at least have dreams. Everything else is terrible enough.”

That makes Jisung chuckle. He opens his eyes to pockets of the blue sky above him.

“I dunno, I mean, getting a nice job and a nice house don’t really sound like _dreams._ ” 

There’s another nudge against his elbows, a little gentler. “I thought you wanted to be part of a dance troupe that goes to different countries. That’s a dream.”

Turning his head to face Chenle, he gives a sad smile. “That’s...It’s not going to be easy to do that.”

With a shrug, Chenle only blinks at him. “It’s a dream. It can be the hardest thing ever, but that’s still a dream. Nothing wrong with that, you know.”

They both face the sky again, breathing deeply. The few inches between them has grass that scratches against their arms with every little move.

Jisung bites the inside of his cheek. “Do you think we’ll ever travel the world together?”

Going up on his elbows, Chenle looks down at him. “Some people propose like that, you know. Asks them to travel around the world with them.”

Shoving him, Jisung says, “What–And for what reason are you telling _me_ that? I was just asking if maybe we’ll go see Europe together or something!” He hopes to every god out there that he isn’t blushing.

With a laugh, Chenle shoves him right back. “Sure. Let’s go to Europe. Where else?”

He takes a few moments to think. Then, he has an idea.

“Let’s go and watch Stephen Curry play, like, in real life.”

He sees the exact moment that Chenle’s expression softens, and how he tries to bite back a smile.

“Yeah?” His voice is full of hope, and it makes Jisung’s heart swell.

“Yeah.”

“How are we gonna do that?”

Jisung pokes Chenle on his side. “We’ll find a way.”

His best friend nudges him again with his knuckles, but he’s smiling.

They stay there, lying on the grass until their next class, dreaming.

◑

**[new glucose guardian]** **  
** hey good luck to everyone defending their thesis!  
I’m cheering u on 🥳🎉

 **[working boi]** **  
** Cheering all of you on, too! 🎉🎉🎉

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** yay thank youuuu  
I’m gonna pretend I’m not scared

 **[direk]** **  
** he’s very scared  
we both are hhhhhh

 **[cutest hyung]**  
goodluck @Renjun @Jaemin @Chenle !!!! ❤️❤️  
my final defense is next week ;;

 **[bunso forever]** **  
** good luck everyone!  
after this, mark hyung should treat us right?

 **[cutest hyung]**  
YES

 **[direk]** **  
** YES

 **[actual cutest hyung]** **  
** YES

 **[stephen curry’s 3rd son]** **  
** YES

 **[new glucose guardian]** **  
** NO  
@Jeno help me out here

 **[working boi]** **  
** Oh hyung  
I’m staying out of this one

◑

Getting off of the jeep, Jisung runs a hand through his windswept hair. His last class had ended pretty early, since there wasn’t much to do anymore now that the semester was almost over. That was good. It really feels like they’re slowly easing into summer.

He goes into the Economics building, smiling at the guard by the entrance. Jisung finds a seat on one of the stone benches in that little garden-like clearing in the middle of the building. The other spaces are occupied by students as well, probably waiting to be called for their thesis defense too. It feels tense, and even though he’s not the one going in there, he kind of feels like he is.

While waiting, he idly scrolls through his messages. From the groupchat of the pep squad, he could see that they’re already planning a little year-ender party for all of them. Usually, they’d be celebrating another year together, as well as say goodbye to the members that are graduating. He votes on a poll for the best date for it, and goes to check his other messages.

There’s the groupchat for the Speech class he’s in, where everyone’s asking if they’re done with their revised drafts for their final speeches yet. He remembers that he has to turn his draft in, so he makes a little note on his phone.

Truthfully, he’s not sure what number Chenle got or if he’s already defending right now. All he knows is that Chenle told him that he was going to turn off his phone about an hour ago, and there hasn’t been anything since.

Jisung wonders what it must feel like to defend a thesis. He’s done something similar back in high school, but that was in a group and that was undoubtedly more forgiving than how it is in college. His brother has even helped him come up with topics and a little research already, because this whole thing wasn’t going to be easy, and starting it early would be best.

He hopes that Chenle is okay in there, if it’s his turn already. If not, he hopes that Chenle has someone’s hand to squeeze for reassurance. The previous night, his best friend had been nervous, although he had tried not to show it. Even through chat, though, Jisung could feel it.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t see him today before the defense, so he wasn’t able to give a reassuring hug or even just a quick pat on the back. He resorted to sending cute gifs to Chenle, and hoped that he was feeling a little better.

Since it doesn’t seem like Chenle was going to be coming out of any of the rooms any time soon, Jisung settles in his seat and brings out his earphones. Maybe he can sneak in an episode of the drama he’s watching.

Over time, the amount of people in the little garden starts dwindling. He observes that they all go down a hallway, so he assumes that that’s where the setup for the defense is. Still, he doesn’t see any sign of his best friend.

In the middle of the episode, he gets a notification from their groupchat with all the hyungs. Renjun has apparently finished his defense, and he wants to bury himself in ice cream right now. Jaemin sends a bunch of memes that all allude to screaming, and Jisung assumes that he’s next.

He finishes that episode, and yet still no sign of Chenle. Something twists in his gut, telling him that there’s something wrong, but he pushes that down. He’s not sure how long these take usually, so he shouldn’t be worried too much.

However, he can’t get himself to load the next episode. Instead, he just scrolls through his Spotify and chooses a random playlist.

A few minutes later, Jaemin sends a message saying he’s done. He says that he just wants to become a potato after all of this. Mark tries to console him and tells him that it gets better, but that only ends in Jaemin asking if he’s going to treat them to food today,

Then, they ask about Chenle. Jisung tells them that he doesn’t seem to be done yet, and he’s just waiting at their building. Everyone reacts to his message with a thumbs-up, before going into discussion on where they can eat a little celebratory dinner.

As soon as they all seem to settle on a restaurant in Maginhawa that Renjun and Jaemin have tried before, Jisung looks up and sees a very familiar, now dark blue head. Chenle comes up to him quickly but quietly, clutching his laptop to his chest.

Jisung stands up to meet him, and Chenle is there within moments. But the smile on Jisung’s face falters when he sees that Chenle looks down.

“What happened?” he asks, carefully looking at him. He doesn’t seem like he had been crying, but he can never be too sure–

In the next moment, an arm comes around him, pulling him close. He’s about to ask again, but Chenle squeals excitedly, “I passed! They couldn’t even think of a lot of questions for me, and they really like what I did!”

Jisung’s hands come up to steady him, as he’s hopping around. He feels happiness and pride wash over him, and it feels like his insides are going to burst from it. “Oh my god, Chenle, congrats! I told you your thesis was perfect.”

Pulling back, Chenle flashes him the brightest, happiest grin ever, right before he leans in and kisses Jisung.

All the air is robbed straight out of Jisung’s lungs. He doesn’t move, doesn’t even think, in the 3 seconds that kiss lasts. Even when Chenle pulls away again and stares at him wide-eyed in shock, he can’t get himself to form a single comprehensible thought.

“I–wait–I didn’t–” Chenle stammers out, and Jisung admires him for even being able to speak.

He only looks at him, trying to gulp down air because he just might pass out if he doesn’t get air in his body _now._ Taking a few steps back, Chenle slaps a hand over his mouth.

“No, I–I didn’t mean to–”

Somebody comes out of a door to shush Chenle, likely because an exam is going on. Jisung can see them move their lips, but he can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. He sees Chenle nod, his skin turning a bright shade of pink as he looks down at his shoes.

He...Chenle...Chenle kissed him. Chenle went right up to him and kissed him. Jisung isn’t sure if that was even real.

At that moment, his phone pings. He wills himself to look at it, try to distract himself from how it feels like he has been set on fire. Chenle stays where he is, almost as if he’s been turned to stone.

 **[junnie hyung]** **  
** where r u  
is lele done already  
we’re going to meet up at the jeepney stop so we can all go together  
can u be here in 15?

“They’re...they’re looking for us,” he croaks out. Damn his voice now. “We should go.”

There’s no response for a few beats, and he doesn’t look at him. He doesn’t think he has the capacity to. He hears Chenle shuffle closer, just a bit.

“Yeah, we should.” His voice is small, unsure. Jisung has never heard him like that. 

**[bunso]** **  
** yeah we’ll be right there  
just wait a bit

They go out of the building together, about 2, 3 feet apart, but it feels like there’s a whole world in between them right now. Arriving at the jeepney stop, they’re both pulled into hugs from the hyungs and practically ushered into the jeep that first comes.

At dinner, Renjun notices that something’s different. He asks, because he’s concerned of course. Chenle just smiles and says it’s nothing. Jisung nods along.

Yes. It was...nothing.

◑

A week after, Jisung finds himself standing outside of Renjun and Jaemin’s dorm room door. He raises his hand to knock, hesitates. _What if they’re busy? I really don’t want to intrude–_

Jisung squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath. He can do this. Raising his hand again, he knocks.

There’s the sound of steps on the other side, some mumbling, and the unlocking of the door. It swings open to Jaemin, who’s in his sleep clothes.

“Jisungie?” he says. “I–we didn’t know you’d be coming here, today.”

Renjun comes up to the door too, peering over his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You okay?”

And because Jisung doesn’t really have the words, hasn’t had them all week, he just shakes his head. The door opens further, and he practically falls into Jaemin. His hyung is surprised at this, since Jisung really hasn’t been the hugging type recently. Jaemin carefully wraps his arms around him, holding him steadily.

A hand soothes against his back. “Okay, okay, let’s all go inside.”

He’s maneuvered into the dorm room, clinging onto Jaemin like a rather limp koala. He hears the door close behind them, and then he feels himself being lowered to the floor. Jisung registers the rug—when did they get a rug?—that’s soft under his legs. Jaemin doesn’t let go of him, not really, and lets him stay just the way he is, practically wrapped around him.

Renjun sits close by, and his hand comes up to make soothing strokes on Jisung’s spine. “What happened, Jisung?”

He takes a deep breath. Jisung feels a little bit like a baby with how he’s positioned, folded into Jaemin’s lap with his head on his shoulder. He should really feel embarrassed about this, but it does feel nice and safe.

When he doesn’t answer, he can see his Renjun hyung’s expression soften. “Do you wanna talk about it? It’s okay if you don’t.”

And yeah, he kind of doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants to stay here, cradled, and not think about things for the first time in almost a whole week.

But that’s not what he’s here for. He promised himself that he would talk about it, because he’s never talked about things. If he still didn’t talk about this, who knows what will happen, how worse everything will be.

Jisung inhales again. Jaemin still holds him securely while Renjun now keeps his hand still on his back, warm and comforting. He decides to go through with it, no matter how terrible he thinks his voice will be.

“I…” he begins, then he shakes his head. “Chenle. He...we…” Jisung feels himself choke on the lump in his throat.

Renjun takes his hand, squeezes it reassuringly. “Okay. Breathe for now. Start again when you’re ready.”

He follows. Gulping in breaths, he calms himself. He hasn’t even started, and it’s already not going as he had practiced.

Once he feels like he’s calm, Jisung starts again.

“Chenle...Chenle kissed me.”

Renjun’s eyebrows raise, and his mouth pops open. Jisung is sure that Jaemin is doing pretty much the same.

The hand on his squeezes a little more. “He...really?”

He nods. 

“When?”

Shifting so that he could face his Renjun hyung a little better, Jisung takes in another inhale. “That day, when he did the defense for his thesis. When he was done, he...came up to me, told me he had passed it, and then he kissed me.”

For a few moments, only the whirr of their airconditioning could be heard. Jisung thinks none of them are really breathing.

Then, comes Jaemin’s voice, close and quiet. “And then?”

“And then.” Jisung feels the lump in his throat again. “And then at dinner he told everyone nothing happened. And then, we acted like nothing happened, so it almost feels true.”

The arms around him hold him a little closer. “Jisungie…”

“And I…” He looks down at his hands, clasped together a little too tightly in his lap. “I dunno. It wasn’t nothing to me.”

It had felt like everything he wanted, and yet it was everything that could hurt. It felt like he was robbed of what little magic he can even have in this lifetime, and he feels so, so selfish for wanting to keep it.

Because it was never his to keep, right? He wasn't, was never the one that Chenle was in love with. He wasn't the one that his best friend sought after. He wasn't the one that he would choose. God, how could he ever think that he could have that?

Jisung never wanted to be selfish. He just wanted a few quiet moments when he didn't feel like he could feel the world on him. He just wanted... god, he just wanted to see Chenle be happy.

That was the thing. There was no one who could break his heart quite like his own self.

Renjun holds both of his hands now, thumbs rubbing against the backs. He’s closer, while still allowing Jisung enough space to breathe.

Not that Jisung can do much of that right now. 

None of them talk, because it's a lot to take in. He understands. It's been a week and yet he feels like he hasn't even fully absorbed the fact yet. Plus, he doesn't know if he wants it to be real or not. Both options hurt just about the same amount.

He wants ever so slightly to just cry. Jisung is frustrated, and heartbroken, and confused, and so many other things, and it's all overwhelming. He just wants peace from all of this, but it's like the universe just won't allow that for him. 

It's Jaemin that breaks that silence.

"Jisungie." He loosens his hold, makes it so that Jisung could move around if he wanted to. Jisung only nestles further into him, and it somehow helps him feel less like his chest will collapse into itself. "You haven't told him?"

Shaking his head, he focuses on the pattern of Jaemin's pajamas. They're pink hearts, tiny and cute. He pokes at one.

"I don't know what to say. We haven't even..." He swallows down the lump, the tears. "We haven't talked since then."

He thinks he can see Renjun nodding his head understandingly. 

"You should tell him," comes Renjun's voice, careful and soft. He holds onto Jisung a little more. "You know you should."

Jisung nods. He does know that he should tell him, that's been his only thought for the days after the kiss. He knows that it should have been done right away, if he could.

And he doesn't really have an explanation as to why he hasn't yet.

"I know," he manages, just as quiet. He doesn't meet his hyung's gaze. "I should."

"It's hard, huh?" Neither Renjun nor Jaemin let him go, and Jisung is grateful, so very grateful for the warmth. "It's hard to...confront that things have happened, and that these things just can't be pushed aside. Not when it's like this. Not when you're so close, and brushing it under the rug is just going to hurt you both."

A little more than two years ago, Renjun had come to him for just that. Renjun was terrified, of what happened, of what could change after that. He didn't want to lose Jaemin and what they had. And he came to Jisung for help. Jisung had told him to talk to Jaemin, tell him everything that he had been told.

Now here he was, in a similar dilemma, and yet he didn't do the thing that he himself told his Renjun hyung to do. It was scarier now, definitely, because this was his friendship with Chenle, this was his conflicted mass of feelings, and he had been keeping everything in for far too long. 

"Jisung." Renjun's voice brings him back, gently. "Tell him. Tell him that it wasn't nothing to you. Tell him that it mattered to you, that he matters to you."

Jaemin has gone back to rubbing soothingly at his back. "If you keep waiting for the right moment to do this, it will pass you by, Jisungie." He can feel Jaemin's steady heartbeat against his back. "He'll start to think all sorts of things, like you hate him, like you don't want to see him again after that, like it's his fault that all of this is happening..."

"That's not true!" he retorts. Jisung straightens up for just a moment, before relaxing back into how he was. Jaemin eases him back into a calmer state. "I would never think of him that way."

This time, he does look up at Renjun. His hyung's eyes are kind, fully understanding. The eyes of someone who knows exactly all the feelings that are stewing inside of him right now that he can't quite put into words. He watches as Renjun takes in a breath.

"I know, Jisung, I know." A tiny smile tugs the corners of his lips up. "You love Chenle. You don't want to hurt him in any way."

Jaemin's hand comes over to cover Renjun's, a familiar weight. "And if you don't want to hurt him, you have to be as honest as possible with him, as soon as possible. Things like this don't go away. The both of you will keep thinking about this, thinking if that's where it all went wrong and not knowing how to fix it anymore, when you can go and make it right."

Renjun nods, agreeing with his boyfriend's words. He regards Jisung with an expression that says he doesn't judge, not even when Jisung has been running away from this for so damn long.

They're right. He can make this right, of course he can. It doesn't have to be the thing that tears them apart. He doesn't want that. He knows that Chenle wouldn't want that either. 

All these years, he and Chenle have been best friends, stuck at the hip as so many others have already told them. They've laughed together, healed together, gone on all sorts of mundane adventures together. This was the boy he's had by his side for so long that he doesn't even know what it was like without him. He can't lose that, no matter how badly they've fucked up.

He'd fuck up again and again along with him, but if it means that he learns, if it means that he's the better for it, if it means that he somehow gets to keep his best friend along the way, he'd go through it.

"Okay," he says, nodding. "Okay," he repeats, louder and more confident. "I'll tell him."

And he hasn't even done it yet, but it feels oddly freeing to say that, to promise that to himself. He'll be honest, he'll tell him everything, and even though that gets his stomach twisting in all sorts of knots, he also feels immeasurably relieved at the thought.

Renjun smiles, a little wider now. "I'm proud of you. Whatever happens there, I'm proud of you. We both are."

They all hug, him cocooned in between the two. He thinks that he just might actually start crying there, but he doesn't. Instead, he revels in the comfort of having his two friends hold him together, even just for a while.

Jaemin says that he doesn't have to leave just yet if he's not ready, and Jisung is thankful for that. He wants to stay for just a bit more, but he knows in himself that he's ready. It's for real now, this time.

◑

This time, the door he stands in front of is all too familiar in that it makes his heart almost instantly constrict. Digging his nails into his palm, Jisung gets himself to inhale. He can do this. It was now or never.

He presses the doorbell. As he does, he's struck with the thought that he really should've texted first before coming here. He knows that Chenle doesn't have classes to attend anymore, but he might have submitted some requirements or he's just simply out. Jisung crosses his fingers and hopes that he's home, because he's not sure if he can handle having to explain why he was here once he does text Chenle.

There are footsteps on the other side, and Jisung has the distinct feeling that he doesn't quite recognize them. Before he can retreat and hide, the door swings open, to someone that isn't all that familiar to him.

Raising an eyebrow at him, the guy leans against the doorframe. "Yes?"

"Uh," is all Jisung manages. He thinks about turning the other way and just running down the hallway to save himself from further embarrassment. But his feet feel like they've been glued to the floor outside Chenle's condo unit door, and he doesn't know what else to do. "Is Chenle there?"

At that, the guy's expression shifts into something a lot more casual. "Nope. He went out a while ago, said he was going to a cafe."

"Oh." Jisung hopes that he was able to hide the disappointment in his voice. "Do you happen to know which cafe?"

Narrowing his eyes at him, the guy crosses his arms over his chest. "No, sorry."

Jisung nods, already feeling the flush to his cheeks. Well, he's completely made himself look weird and creepy to Chenle's roommate. Great.

"Thank you," he says, giving a little bow. 

He turns on his heel to leave, when the guy speaks up again.

"Oh, I think I know you."

Jisung stops dead in his tracks. He turns, a little too slowly, to face him again. Trying his best to rack his brain for anything that could help him recall what the guy's name was, he takes a step closer.

"You do?"

The guy shifts his weight onto his other foot. "Yeah. You're the one that Chenle brings over here sometimes. I've seen you a couple of times."

Jisung feels like he just died a little death there. Chenle's roommate, seeing him passed out on the bed that rightfully belongs to him, with Jisung having no idea that he was even aware of his existence. He kind of wants to bury himself 10 feet under the ground now.

"Uh, yeah. That's...me."

An eyebrow raises at him again, right before the guy snickers. "Alright, dude, I honestly don't know you, but listen: I know you care for him. A lot. He cares for you a lot too. So don't fuck this up, man."

At that, Jisung is dumbfounded. He didn't really expect advice from a near-stranger, much less the roommate that Chenle doesn't really like. So, for a few moments, he only stares at him with his mouth slightly agape, until the guy reaches over and pushes up his jaw just a bit.

"Go find him, dude. I trust that you can."

And with that, he closes the door, leaving Jisung to stare at it. Okay, that didn't seem like a real experience, but it's weird enough to be exactly that.

He turns away again, this time, taking his phone out to send a text. He's had a little detour, but he's not going to turn back now.

 **[big head #1]** **  
** lele  
we should talk  
let’s meet up?

◑

They meet up at one of the stone benches lining the Sunken Garden. Chenle has his backpack, so Jisung guesses that he really did pass a few more requirements. It's already starting to get dark, but he can still clearly see his best friend's face twist a little in anguish at the sight of him.

Right. This was his best friend. The person who knows him best, and yet didn't know his biggest secret. There were many things that they had to talk about, as best friends.

Sitting down side-to-side on the bench, Jisung can already feel the tension. Even though they're a mere few inches apart, they might as well be meters apart at this rate.

He hasn't talked to Chenle in a week, not even a single word. That wasn't the longest they had gone without talking to each other, but somehow it felt longer. It was the first time that Jisung didn't even want to initiate a conversation at all during the week, because he was scared of what could possibly happen if they started it.

Admittedly, Jisung is still scared. He still feels like running away somehow, as if he hasn't already talked himself into going here and staying here until they're done with talking. Jisung grits his teeth and keeps himself in his seat. No more running.

Not looking at him, Chenle starts with a, "Maybe I should talk first? Since I was the one that uh, you know..."

Jisung nods. His fingers are starting to numb from how tightly he's clenched them.

Swinging his legs, Chenle lets out a sigh. "We're in it now, huh? And it's my fault."

"That's not...that's not true."

Chenle looks up at him then, and with the shitty streetlamps, Jisung can't quite tell the emotions that pass over his face. "Jisung-ah, you're too good." He shakes his head. "Too good for me."

He gives a sad smile before he returns his gaze to his lap. Jisung can already tell that this won't be easy for them.

"I'm...I'm sorry I kissed you," is how Chenle begins. The breath he intakes is shaky at best. "I just got too excited, and I didn't even think that through apparently. I've always, always asked if I could kiss someone before doing it, but...yeah. That happened. I'm sorry."

Jisung gently knocks his knuckles against Chenle's thigh. "Forgiven."

That gets him a smile that's a tad bit wider. "Thank you."

Now that that's done with, Jisung wonders if Chenle would keep going, keep talking, or if he should begin too. They stay in silence for several moments, just listening to the drone of the insects in the trees.

The quiet has been a staple in their life now, he notes. Every now and then, they get this bit of quiet, and it's never felt like how it feels right now, filled with drawn breaths and digging nails into their palms and biting their tongues.

This is the time, he thinks. There's no better time than right now to say it. It would be easier if you do it now.

Surprisingly, though, Chenle beats him to it.

"I think I should explain more, yeah?"

As he turns to face him, Jisung sees the slightest bit of hesitance in his eyes.

"Jisung. Do you remember when I told you I was probably in love with someone?"

He nods. Of course he remembers. It was just a little over a week ago, and it would have been hard to forget. He had still tried to figure out who it could possibly be, with no such luck. Jisung admits that he's very curious about who it is.

Avoiding his gaze again, Chenle continues. "Do you wanna know who it is?"

It takes a while to find his voice, but when he does, he croaks out a, "Yes."

Because, well, it would quiet down his questions and he wouldn't have to wonder anymore. He would then know, and he would then be able to help Chenle with him.

Taking in a deep breath, Chenle steels himself. It's very much like how he was at Valentine's Day, as if he was unready to admit it to Jisung like that.

Chenle looks up. He blinks slowly, searching the planes of Jisung's face for the longest moment. Jisung holds his breath the entire time.

"It's you." There's that sad little smile again, this time even more strained. "I...I'm in love with you."

Jisung thinks he might have just been hit by a truck. A whole ten-wheeler maybe. He's just laying there on the ground, and he doesn't know what just happened or why or how he even got there.

This must be what it feels like to completely blank out. He only stares at Chenle, mouth surely agape, no conceivable idea on how to respond to what he's just been told.

He's...what?

"Chenle..." is all he can get out of his throat, and he knows that is nowhere near enough to encompass every single thing his mind just had to go through in the moments that he tried to find a reply.

When his best friend gives him a smile, it's watery, and it's probably the first and only time he's seen him close to tears. Chenle is shaking his head, eyes soft as if to tell him _it's okay._

Carefully, like he's afraid that it isn't right to do, Chenle takes one of his hands. The way he holds him is hesitant, and yet like he doesn't quite want to let go.

"God, Jisung, if only you knew." He watches as he rubs a thumb over the back of Jisung's hand. "I've loved you for a while now. That was a fact I wasn't proud about. How could I just go and fall in love with you, when all that time, I was trying not to?"

A part of Jisung is tempted to reach out, to draw him closer, but it doesn't quite feel like the time. He wants to give Chenle the opportunity to talk. to let everything out. He himself can't believe that he's hearing all of this, but it must be real if the way his everything hurts is any indication.

"But then again, how couldn't I? You...you were proud of me, more than anyone has ever been. I could do a small thing, and you'd be over the moon with pride for me. I didn't even think that was possible."

He chuckles a little, but his voice sounds wrecked. Jisung can feel him tighten his hold on his hand just enough.

"And then, you stayed with me all that time. Even when I kept being stupid and getting my heart broken by all those people. Even when I wasn't at my best. Even when I got quiet without an explanation. You stayed, and you waited, and you never demanded anything from me. All you wanted was for me to be okay, no matter how long it took to get to that point. You helped me be okay again, and I don't know how I could've done all of that without you."

His lashes have little droplets of tears that shine in the light of the streetlamp. Jisung can't help but to wipe them away. It tugs the corners of Chenle's mouth upwards.

"Honestly, I thought that it was wrong, you know? I thought that...I just liked you because you were _there,_ and it felt unfair to like you just because of that. I didn't want to like you because you were the only one available. That would be a shit thing for me to do, so I thought that this whole thing was just wrong on my part."

Jisung feels his breath stuck somewhere in his airway. He knows that he doesn't want to be loved just for that reason either. He doesn't want anyone to be loved just for that reason, the very same reason Chenle was heartbroken for the first time in college all those years ago.

"And then I realized: no, I didn't like you, love you just because of that. It was never just because you were there, Jisung-ah."

The air tonight is still rather cold, and Jisung has forgotten his jacket again. He doesn't think he would need it though, not when everything feels prickly with heat that he can't quite place. The fingers of his free hand are cold against his palm, but everything else is burning up.

He looks at Chenle, who also doesn't have a jacket. His first thought is always to put one on him, because he gets cold and he keeps forgetting his own jacket somewhere. Jisung feels tempted again to pull him closer, but now he finds himself rather frozen in place.

Looking up at him, Chenle's eyes are glassy. He isn't crying yet, no, Chenle never cries in front of anyone, but he's so close to it, Jisung knows.

"Jisung." He tries the smile again, but it only makes him look closer to tears. "You were everything."

Before he could even find the words to respond to that, he feels Chenle take his other hand, holding it much like he holds the other one. Gentle, hesitant, all too careful.

"It's always been you, you know? You are the one that I wanted to talk to at the end of the day, no matter how tired I was. You are the one I would look for to tell you the good news first. You are the one that I'd trust with all the parts of me that I know the world doesn't quite like, the parts that I don't like at all. You are the one that I can share all my embarrassing moments with. Your hands are the ones I want to hold when I'm scared. when I'm happy, when I'm nervous, when I need to be steadied, whenever I can. You are the one that I want to come back to, and all this time, I've been doing that. Again and again, I come back to you."

Slowly, Chenle shift his hands so that they slot their fingers through the spaces in each other's hands. He holds on tighter now, and he keeps his gaze on them as if scared that Jisung would pull away suddenly.

Jisung would never pull away.

"And then, dammit. How do I not fall in love with you, when you smile like there isn't anything wrong in this world, when that smile makes every single bit of my worries go away? How do I not fall in love with you, when you sing High School Musical songs while we're walking from class to class and your eyes light up when you're given stickers and you make all those little sounds when you see something you've never seen before? How do I not fall in love with you, when you make me gifts and apologize for them even though they're the cutest things ever? How, Jisung, when every time I'm with you, this city that I thought I'd always be a stranger in suddenly feels like I'm home?"

It's then that Jisung feels tears escape him, rolling down his cheeks. Right now, it's almost like his heart is being split apart and mended all at the same time, and it hurts, of course it hurts, but it feels like relief too.

A hand is pulled away from him, only to cup the side of his face. Chenle wipes the tears away, and that only makes Jisung want to cry even more.

"Jisung-ah." His voice is quiet now, barely above the drone of the insects and the sounds of the cars passing them by. "Jisung, how do I not fall in love with you, when you make me feel so undeniably happy and safe after almost a whole lifetime of me not knowing if I'll ever feel that way again? How, when it's always felt right to be with you, even when I tried to push that down?"

Chenle closes his eyes, nods. Jisung can see him take in another shaky breath.

"Jisung, I love you. And whatever happens after this, whether we go on to have houses beside each other as the best friends we are or if something else happens, I'll be fine with it, I promise. I would never ask you for anything, I would never ask you to go on with something that you don't like. I just want to be able to keep you, if that's even possible. I know that the kiss might have fucked that up, but...yeah. I want to keep my best friend, because I don't think I want to have anyone else beside me while I go through everything this world has to throw at me that it hasn't already."

And then, even quieter, like it somehow guts him to even say it out loud, Chenle tells him, "I'm sorry too. For not always being there. For disappearing every now and then and not talking about it ever. For keeping things from you, when you should've known about them. You’re my best friend, I shouldn’t have closed you off like that."

He tucks a bit of Jisung's hair behind his ear, gazes right into his eyes. Jisung has always thought that there are stars in his best friend's eyes, and he sees it now.

"I'm sorry if...if I ever hurt you. I know I must have, all those times that I didn't reply. I was just...scared. We weren't those 13-year-olds talking about our silly crushes anymore. What we did, what we were doing, there were going to be very real consequences. Me falling in love with you had very real consequences. And I didn't think I was ready to face them."

In all of Chenle's words, Jisung finds that he feels exactly the same. The fear, the uncertainty, the love, the hurt of realizing what that would mean, the little moments of happiness that he wishes he could keep holding onto. Even here, he and Chenle were much the same.

Finally, he reaches out too, cradling Chenle's head the way that he has always done. His best friend blinks at him, and he knows that he's holding his breath, waiting. Waiting for this to not just be a confession on his part, the same hope in there that Jisung had before he came here.

Jisung thinks about everything he said and how it made the best type of warmth spread through him. His heart is pressing against his ribs again, but it doesn't hurt anymore. He doesn't think anything could ever hurt again.

"Lele," he begins, and his voice is already shit. He's not sure he can even get through this, but he wants to. "Chenle. Do you remember when you came to my house whenever you had to study for the CETs?"

Nodding, Chenle furrows his brows just a bit, confused as to what this was leading to.

Gently, Jisung brushes the hair away from Chenle's face. "You said you hated staying at your uncle's place while reviewing, so you came to my house to study. You'd bring all your reviewers and your whole pencil case and you'd sit on the living room floor to study. Either Jiho hyung or my mom would give you snacks, and you were always so thankful for even cheese sandwiches."

It makes Chenle smile at the memory, one that doesn't look like he's going to start sobbing. It's genuine, and it makes Jisung smile too.

"And then you kept showing me all the questions and you'd quiz me, saying that I should start reviewing too because I was going to be next to take the entrance exams. It took us what, more than a whole week to even get through one section of the reviewer?"

Laughing, Chenle nods. It was ridiculous. They took so much time with the reviewing because they were much too distracted. That time had been so long ago, and yet it still seemed so clear in their minds.

He swipes a thumb across Chenle's cheekbone, following the motion with his eyes. "And then we either joked around or you'd pass out on our couch. That's what always happened, nearly every day then. I don't know how we even finished a whole reviewer."

"We almost didn't," Chenle points out. He's grinning now, and it's soft at the edges. "I crammed all of the remaining lessons into a review about 8 hours before I was supposed to be at the testing center."

"Yet you passed. I hate smart people." He shakes his head. It only makes Chenle laugh even more.

Tilting his head, he looks at his best friend. The best friend he's been in love with for years. The best friend who has been in love with him too.

"Point is, that's...that's when I knew." He sees Chenle's eyes widen a fraction. "I saw you, with all these dreams about college and what you'd be able to do then and the changes you'd be able to make. You were lying down on our carpet even though I told you I hadn't cleaned yet but you didn't care. You had the brightest smile on your face talking about all these things, and I swear when I looked at you then, I knew I was really in trouble then."

Chenle closes his eyes again, a grin spreading across his features. Two tears roll down his cheeks, and Jisung does his best to wipe them away gently.

"You were magical to me. You could dream up anything and I knew you'd get it. Be it good grades, or passing at your dream school, or anything else. Plus, I don't know if it was just me because I was so damn in love with you, but I swear to you Chenle I firmly believed I would see you actually sparkle."

That gets a surprised chuckle out of his best friend. Chenle leans into his hand, like he's content to stay there as he listened to whatever else Jisung had to say.

And really, Jisung still had a lot more.

He smiles, even though Chenle's eyes remain closed. "I think I did see you sparkle. That day you found out you passed here, do you remember that? I was with you at a cafe, and we kept refreshing the page, and when the results came out you had me look. And as soon as I told you that I saw your name and you checked it for yourself, you came up to me and hugged me, and I'm sure everyone was looking at us because you were squealing. You sparkled then, Lele, I remember."

Another tear comes out, and Jisung wipes that away too. "I think I want to keep seeing you do that, you know? I mean, I have always been in love with you, and every day, nearly every moment with you, just makes me love you more."

Chenle opens his eyes, keeping them on Jisung. Even though he's crying, he looks happy. It makes Jisung's heart swell, filling in all the little spaces inside of him.

"All that time, I thought I shouldn't be in love with you. I was your best friend, and I thought I could be nothing more. After all, you liked other people, and it just didn't seem that you'd look at me that way. So I only watched as you looked at someone else."

Sniffling, Chenle squeezes his hand. He shakes his head, every blink of his getting more tears out.

"Jisung-ah." His voice has that scolding tone he uses a lot with Jisung. "I've always looked at you."

And that makes Jisung sob, all of it spilling out of him uncontrollably. His lungs fight to keep him breathing, keep him there as he cries it out. He never thought he'd hear that, never even dared to imagine it, because he was only causing himself pain.

He remembers his mother's words. How he couldn't be sure that Chenle wasn't looking at him too. She was right.

"I-I never knew," he chokes out. God, he knows he's a mess, and they're still in a very public place, so probably a good handful of people have already seen him be a runny-nosed sobbing mess at the edge of the Sunken Garden. "I just never thought it would even be possible, so I didn't even hope for it."

This time, it's Chenle who wipes his tear away, insistent and very familiar in his motions. "I told you. It was always you."

With a nod, Jisung goes on. He continues, because he promised to himself that he'll be fully honest now, with both himself and Chenle.

"And the kiss? God, Chenle, I can't even tell you how much I thought about that after it happened. It wasn't...it wasn't nothing to me, you know?"

He sees his best friend's expression shift through the blur of his tears. Chenle keeps drying them with his thumb, the motion soothing enough to help him calm down.

"I'm sorry I said that," Chenle breathes. "I just–I didn't know what else to do. I panicked and I thought it was best for the both of us to just brush it off."

Jisung chuckles, and it sounds wrecked. "Something like that, we can't brush it off."

A corner of Chenle's mouth quirks up. "I agree. I want you to know it wasn't nothing to me either."

Relief washes over Jisung. He never wanted for him to think that he hated it, nor did he want to force himself to forget about it like it never happened. It did happen, and it's good to know that it mattered to the both of them.

Taking in a deep breath, Jisung says, "I love you, Chenle. I love you when you tell me all about how shit your printer is. I love you when you experiment with all sorts of ingredients whenever you try cooking. I love you when you trip into the puddles just after laughing at me when I do. I love you when you refuse to let a game beat you. I love you when you subtly try to tell me that you don't have a jacket and that you're cold. I love you when you videochat with me until we both fall asleep."

Chenle leans in, presses their foreheads together. Like this, Jisung can hear their distinct breathing, and how they both seem to be trying to calm down. Like this, he can hear their heartbeats start to beat together.

"And I was terrified, I have always been. I loved you so much that it scared me, because I didn't know if I even had a chance. I didn't know if I could love you without it hurting. I just couldn't see a day that it would stop hurting."

He hears him choke on his tears again, and Jisung holds him even closer.

"I was scared because you were going to leave, and then things won't be the same anymore. How could I even possibly get myself to tell you, when I would lose you soon anyways?"

Shaking his head, Chenle gets out a "No. No, Jisung, you won't lose me. I won't let that happen."

Jisung knows he's crying again too, dripping all over the stone bench. "I love you, Chenle. I'll keep saying that now, if you'd allow me."

When Chenle laughs, it sounds broken, but Jisung feels happiness all the same. He feels so ridiculously happy, that right now, nothing else matters. Not the cars nor the people nor anything else. It's just them now.

"Of course. I'll let you, because I will do the same."

Then, Chenle pulls away just a bit. Both his hands now cup Jisung's face, and he kisses both his cheeks, kisses the tears away. Jisung closes his eyes to the feeling. Chenle presses his lips onto his forehead, stays there for several beats.

"I love you, Jisung. Now and always. I'll always tell you that, and I'll make sure you remember it."

And Jisung doesn't have words anymore, so he just holds onto Chenle's wrists, breathes. He nods, and he feels Chenle kiss his tears away again, and it just feels right.

He knows now that it will always feel right as long as he's with him.

◑

**[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** heyyyy  
don’t be late tmrw, ok?  
we’re gonna take a lot of pictures

 **[big head #1]** **  
** of course not  
already set 5 alarms  
I’ll be there on time

 **[lele 💙💙💙]** **  
** love u  
see u tmrw

 **[big head #1]** **  
** love u too  
I’ll call in the morning

◑

It takes him a few good minutes before he spots Chenle in the crowd of graduates. He pushes through them, keeping that familiar head in his sight until he reaches it.

“Chenle!”

And when Chenle turns, smile on his face and just that glow about him, Jisung thinks he just might fall in love all over again. He practically sparkles under the lights of the venue, like a little sun right there in the middle of it all. 

Reaching him, he sees the grin in its full splendor, Chenle’s cheeks making his eyes disappear. They’re hugging the next moment, tighter than they’ve hugged before. Jisung’s heart swells with everything: love, pride, joy. It’s possible that Chenle might just hug the tears right out of him. 

Just past Chenle’s shoulder is his family, looking at him curiously. They never really did meet him before, even though Chenle swears he’s shown them pictures.

When Chenle releases him, he still has that smile, but it’s softer around the edges. Beautiful, astounding, super-intelligent Chenle, who has just graduated with honors. It almost feels like it’s Jisung who graduated from how immeasurably happy he is.

Before he could really say anything, Chenle takes his medals off, putting them on him. Then, he places the _sablay_ on him too, pressing it just above his heart. Jisung wants to cry, sob at how honored he feels about this whole thing, especially when Chenle looks at him like he holds the world. 

And he’d hold the world for Zhong Chenle any day he could.

A hand goes to the small of his back, gently pushing him forward. Jisung was told that he’d meet the family, but he’s not quite sure that he’s ready. Chenle only encourages him, says it’s okay. 

He realizes that Chenle looks very much like his mom. The same soft, delicate features with the sharp eyes. She even smiles the same when she acknowledges Jisung. His dad must have given him the height, as well as the quiet aura. Chenle’s brother looks the kindest of the three, and Jisung knows Chenle is fond of him.

Beside him, Chenle keeps him close, hand resting on his side to bring him in. Even without looking, Jisung could imagine how wide his smile must be.

“He’s my Jisung,” Chenle introduces. 

Jisung smiles his best smile, and it doesn’t feel forced at all. He is Chenle’s Jisung, now and forward.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaa thank you for reading this! writing chenji was super challenging for me, and this is the first time i've attempted writing in jisung's pov. i do hope you liked it!
> 
> if you did, please leave a kudos, bookmark, or comment! they mean so much to me ♡
> 
> little background on why that's the title:  
> kanya - his, belonging to him  
> kanya-kanya - to do something on their own  
> kanyang-kanya - a way to say definitely his
> 
> i'll be updating here with more translations of the words/phrases!
> 
> i'm working on a playlist for this, so if you have any suggestions, you can comment them or send me a cc! i'd love to know what songs i can add ♡  
> [pinterest board](https://www.pinterest.ph/bundoie/tayo-series/kanya/)  
> [yt playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFnfzZqGvN7-2utannX3YGAx9rX9FOtMU)
> 
> if you'd like to talk: [twt](https://twitter.com/bundoie) | [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/bundoie)


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